Is it normal to feel guilty after leaving an abusive husband?

I am in the process of going through my divorce. I moved out of my home almost 6 months now. My soon-to-to-be-ex-husband and I was arrested nearly 5 years ago for domestic violence, our daughter was barely a year old back then. We went through marriage counseling and I can say, it helped a little bit but there are still times he hits me every now and then. The last one though was pretty bad. Personally, and call me stupid if you want but I can put up with him hitting me. The one thing that I can not stand is his sexual desires and fantasies that made me feel degraded. There were many times when he asked me for anal sex and I usually would turn him down. It is uncomfortable and I can’t stand the pain. There are a couple of times he forced me into it and he usually would force me into sex almost every time I say no, more like raping me actually. And one thing he is asking me to do is to have sex with another man while he’s watching. For the life of me and for everything I believe in, I can’t do this. Now I worked with someone that usually flirts with me. I do not hide anything from him so he knew about this guy….he then later on told me to get on and have sex with him. I decided to play his game just to make him realize how it feels when I do meet with someone, I agreed to meet this guy that I work with, I went to his house. But unfortunately, the man was much too good to even take advantage of me. He admitted though that he is attracted to me but that was it, nothing happened. We just ended up talking about life and places and his desire to have a family of his own. When I got home later that day, boy, he was mad. He couldn’t handle the thought that I was with another man for at least a couple of hours. And that was enough reason for him to beat me up. I stayed and contemplated whether I leave him or not. But then I left after a couple of months. Now that I am out, why do I have these feelings of guilt that I left him? Is it normal to feel this way? I really don’t want to get back with him though…..please help!

Super D2008-09-08T14:52:55Z

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It's normal. In time, you will be proud that you did. It's just too soon after, and you still have emotional feelings, but these are yours, not what you two had, or he had. You were his peon sex slave. He did not really love you. He enjoyed owning you, being able to do to you what he wanted, and took no real pleasure in you, except to make you suffer. I am sure yall had some good times, but it's time to move on.

Maybe you will luck out and meet another nice fellow later on. Right now, you need to be alone, and get on with your life that does not involve being a punching bag.

Whatever you do, do not go back. He will eventually hurt you enough that you will not recover, or he will kill you. There is no dishonor leaving something like that, instead your courageous for getting away.

?2008-09-08T15:07:25Z

Sweetheart sorry you had to go through all that and yes it is normal to feel guilty about leaving, but honestly you have no reason on this earth to feel guilty, you did everything you could to change things but he obviously wasn't listening. I think the feelings of guilt come from the thought that you have failed in some way, you didn't he did. There is no reason on this earth why anyone should stay in an abusive marriage. We are not put on this earth to be used like that, especially by someone who says they love you. This is not love and anyway you had your daughter to protect, you were probably afraid he would turn his violent ways towards her. You did the right thing and good for you, please don't let the guilt and memories spoil the life your are now building for yourself. Good luck love and be happy, it is what we all deserve in this life. Oh and sweetheart this feeling will go away, but sometimes it takes a little while.

Anonymous2016-03-15T02:13:34Z

The reason you probably feel guilty is because you are still married even though legally separated and you have a boyfriend. Perhaps how you should have approached your problem in your marriage with an alcoholic husband was to stop enabling him when you first realized he was an alcoholic. Sometimes the very push that an alcoholic needs to hit their bottom is when the wife takes action against him with regard to the marriage. There are many good men out there who are recovering alcoholics and they still have their wife of 28 years by their side. Your statement that someimes you wonder if you should have stayed and continued to take care of him told me a lot. You don't try to take care of an alcoholic, you don't enable them and you take the steps necessary to get educated about how to really handle the situation. Hence, the suggestion would have been for you to attend some Al Anon meetings where you could have employed some tactics that would possibly have led him to seeking help much before this. Don't get me wrong here. You don't have to stay in a situation where the alcoholic doesn't do anything to change, but in a marriage as long as your marriage I would have tried some professional strategy to see if it couldn't have been a salvageable situation.

jujujiggy2008-09-08T15:52:21Z

It's not guilt hon, it's the way he had you programed, you were programed by him to feel a certain way. When I left my abusive husband, normal was hard to get used too, I found it boring, because we are always at a level of flight or fight. It will get better, if you go back you will pay for leaving in the first place, he'll make you pay! Get counsiling for yourself, you are worth much more!!! I am a new person, no hasn't been easy, but I can see clearly now.

Enchantress382008-09-08T19:45:55Z

What a tough situation. I'm so sorry for your pain. The guilt you feel is normal. This man has led you into a very dark place where you feel degraded mentally, emotionally and physically. Your sense of self is involved and he took advantage of that. You took the positive first step... leaving an impossible situation. You will be happier and so will your child. But it's going to take time. Allow yourself that, and seek counseling to help you heal.

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