What to you tell a child when at 3 he starts asking alot of questions?
My grandson was not adopted but for right now he has to stay with the couple who took him at birth even when the natural father was begging the hospital to stop the adoption. My son has visitation once a month 3 states away. I went with him this last month so I could see my grandchild to.
Here is my question. When the child ask if his daddy is his birth father? I was adopted right? No he wasn't the adoption was stopped. My last name is the couple's last name? the answer is that the child can never have their last name for he isn't adopted and have the right to have have is natural parent's last name. What do you tell his wonderful child? and why in the world would they lie to him?
2008-09-15T20:39:00Z
Please read the question. No my son never signed over his rights. He has vistaion for right now. My son has been fighting for 3 years to have his son return home. The adoption agency settled out of court for a big sum which gives him plenty of money to cont to fight. my son had my grandson for the whole month of july. For right now it's like the whata be adoption lady divoced my son. This is a kidnapping failed adoption case.
2008-09-15T20:47:14Z
This case is in the texas court of appeals right now. I just told him Yes your daddy(my son) is your birth father and No he isn't adopted. But why in the world would they lie to a child? He is so happy when he see his dad and when I see him. But they never answer the phone when we call. When he talks about them when he's with us he calls them by there first name. This question he ask me just through me off I just couldn't understand why anyone would want to put a child through this and why they would lie.
spydermomma2008-09-15T21:44:52Z
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Oh what a mess. If they adoption is stopped, why oh why isn't he with his dad, for heaven's sake. Sigh, okay, I know you know it is a mess.
I don't know why they might lie, as I don't know them. To put the most positive spin possible on it, maybe they aren't even exactly lying, maybe the whole situation is confusing and so he is confused. Second most positive would be that they just don't know what to say to him either, so they end up sending mixed messages and confusion. Spinning it negatively, they want to poison his mind and brainwash him so that if a judge questions him he will say he wants to be with them and they are his parents. Probably the truth is somewhere in between -- they love him and want him to stay with them, and they are confused and send mixed messages. You know the situation a lot better than we do.
What do you say? The truth -- in loving, neutral, non-judgmental, and age appropriate language. Tell him you are his grandma and love him more than anything. Tell him your son is his dad and loves him more than he can say. Tell him you are sorry you cannot be with him all the time, but things are really complicated and the grownups are trying to fix them. Tell him nothing that is going on is his fault and he did nothing wrong. Of course he did nothing wrong, and no grownup would think he did, but kids think this, so I think it is important to come right out and tell him that things are complicated for grownup reasons and none of it is his fault and everyone involved loves him very much.
I wouldn't go into details unless he asks those specific questions. If he does, then answer honestly, but try to keep it as neutral and non-emotional as possible. He has to live with this family for now, and it will be very hard on him if he can't trust them, emotionally, so try not to say anything about whatever they might have said to him. Just tell him the truth as best you know it. And of course never lie to him.
It really sounds as if you are doing all of this already. I've been following your posts for some months now, and it sounds as if your son would be a great dad. And we are all the time on dads to step up and be responsible, and here is your son doing just that and having to fight for years and years in court. Such a shame and I really wish you the very best of luck.
This is for those that don't know the details of this case.
The father has another child with the mother. They were dating for a while. They broke up. She would not allow him to see their daughter because she was preggers with their son. He had to go to court in order to get visitation re-established. At this time, the judge in that case had ruled that it would be wise if he had custody of both children pending the outcome of this case. This was a short time before she delivered his son. When he found out, he put his name on the putative registry in his state. He also began paying additional child support and making sure that he was there offering support to this woman at all times. She contacted LDS Family Serviices. That agency and her both connived to avoid him taking custody. They placed his son in the custody of the adoptive parents. First, when the courts found out, they fined LDS Family Services close to $100,000. This was a mandate from the state. The DFPS put the social worker on probation for two years which I think he still has yet to serve. It is a permanent mark against the agency for violating this father's rights. This is all easily found online. He fought against having his son's name changed. I believe it is still under the mother's name. THE ADOPTION WAS NEVER FINALIZED. The courts gave him a very very liberal visitation order because this adoption was so illegal. They are now having to take it to the next level because the lower courts gave the option of guardianship. The jury for some reason went with the guardianship That is really what is going on. This father is an excellent father. I know because I have met him. In fact, I have his picture of him and his son on my desk. This man has never had his parental rights terminated. They are currently working on an appeal to get his son back to him. The lower courts refused to do that even when they knew it was wrong. The guardian ad litem and the hospital social worker also felt that his son should have been returned to him.
Sam tell him the truth age appropriate. Give my love to your family. I will try to call later today.
A child who is only three has very limited experience in life. The people who have your grandson are probably calling themselves the people "who adopted him" simply because this is probably a word that best illustrates the position that he and they are all in. Three year olds will discuss adoption amongst themselves at school and if he has other playmates who are adopted, this is probably the easiest explanation for all. I like to think that the couple who have him also have grown to love him over the past 3 years and probably would like to adopt him. I doubt their motives are as malicious as you seem to believe or the court would have removed this child from his present situation a long time ago. Every ones objective should be making this child's life as normal a one as possible. I know the wheels of justice grind slowly, but I find it hard to believe that if your son really is the father and that if he has done all the things that the law requires that it would have dragged on this long. Did he petition the court for custody immediately after the child's birth? Did he provide money for his upkeep and medical expenses from the time he was conceived? Did he get a paternity test and see him regularly.Has he prroven that he is reliable, and has adequate ability to provide for his child's financial needs. He also has major responsibility for the position you are in right now. If he hasn't gotten resolution yet, he should have been paying a lawyer who is doing the job because the one he has now isn't doing so.
How long does this arrangement have to take place? When is he expected to return home? Under NO circumstances would I lie to the child or allow the child to be called by their last name--if I could help it. You and your son need to be honest and use age appropriate language to explain to him what is happening and who you are. I wouldn't wait for him to ask you about his false adoption....I would tell him the truth from the start....in a nice way. I wouldn't say, "They stole you from us"....or anything negative about the other family, but I certainly WOULD say that this is your daddy and grandma. He has every right to know the truth.
No, he's not the birth father, he's the father. Thats what I'd tell him. And that a judge says he should live with them, but his daddy wants to see him too which is why you drive so far each time you get to come and see him. He means everything to his dad. There is no "birth" anything here. Nor is there an adoption. If they're lying, I'd tell the judge. Call them on it and use it against them, lying isn't in the childs best interest. I know your case and situation and they're kidnappers.