What to you tell a child when at 3 he starts asking alot of questions?

Oh what a mess. If they adoption is stopped, why oh why isn't he with his dad, for heaven's sake. Sigh, okay, I know you know it is a mess.

I don't know why they might lie, as I don't know them. To put the most positive spin possible on it, maybe they aren't even exactly lying, maybe the whole situation is confusing and so he is confused. Second most positive would be that they just don't know what to say to him either, so they end up sending mixed messages and confusion. Spinning it negatively, they want to poison his mind and brainwash him so that if a judge questions him he will say he wants to be with them and they are his parents. Probably the truth is somewhere in between -- they love him and want him to stay with them, and they are confused and send mixed messages. You know the situation a lot better than we do.

What do you say? The truth -- in loving, neutral, non-judgmental, and age appropriate language. Tell him you are his grandma and love him more than anything. Tell him your son is his dad and loves him more than he can say. Tell him you are sorry you cannot be with him all the time, but things are really complicated and the grownups are trying to fix them. Tell him nothing that is going on is his fault and he did nothing wrong. Of course he did nothing wrong, and no grownup would think he did, but kids think this, so I think it is important to come right out and tell him that things are complicated for grownup reasons and none of it is his fault and everyone involved loves him very much.

I wouldn't go into details unless he asks those specific questions. If he does, then answer honestly, but try to keep it as neutral and non-emotional as possible. He has to live with this family for now, and it will be very hard on him if he can't trust them, emotionally, so try not to say anything about whatever they might have said to him. Just tell him the truth as best you know it. And of course never lie to him.

It really sounds as if you are doing all of this already. I've been following your posts for some months now, and it sounds as if your son would be a great dad. And we are all the time on dads to step up and be responsible, and here is your son doing just that and having to fight for years and years in court. Such a shame and I really wish you the very best of luck.

This is for those that don't know the details of this case.

The father has another child with the mother. They were dating for a while. They broke up. She would not allow him to see their daughter because she was preggers with their son. He had to go to court in order to get visitation re-established. At this time, the judge in that case had ruled that it would be wise if he had custody of both children pending the outcome of this case. This was a short time before she delivered his son. When he found out, he put his name on the putative registry in his state. He also began paying additional child support and making sure that he was there offering support to this woman at all times. She contacted LDS Family Serviices. That agency and her both connived to avoid him taking custody. They placed his son in the custody of the adoptive parents. First, when the courts found out, they fined LDS Family Services close to $100,000. This was a mandate from the state. The DFPS put the social worker on probation for two years which I think he still has yet to serve. It is a permanent mark against the agency for violating this father's rights. This is all easily found online. He fought against having his son's name changed. I believe it is still under the mother's name. THE ADOPTION WAS NEVER FINALIZED. The courts gave him a very very liberal visitation order because this adoption was so illegal. They are now having to take it to the next level because the lower courts gave the option of guardianship. The jury for some reason went with the guardianship That is really what is going on. This father is an excellent father. I know because I have met him. In fact, I have his picture of him and his son on my desk. This man has never had his parental rights terminated. They are currently working on an appeal to get his son back to him. The lower courts refused to do that even when they knew it was wrong. The guardian ad litem and the hospital social worker also felt that his son should have been returned to him.

Sam tell him the truth age appropriate. Give my love to your family. I will try to call later today.

A child who is only three has very limited experience in life. The people who have your grandson are probably calling themselves the people "who adopted him" simply because this is probably a word that best illustrates the position that he and they are all in. Three year olds will discuss adoption amongst themselves at school and if he has other playmates who are adopted, this is probably the easiest explanation for all. I like to think that the couple who have him also have grown to love him over the past 3 years and probably would like to adopt him. I doubt their motives are as malicious as you seem to believe or the court would have removed this child from his present situation a long time ago.

Every ones objective should be making this child's life as normal a one as possible. I know the wheels of justice grind slowly, but I find it hard to believe that if your son really is the father and that if he has done all the things that the law requires that it would have dragged on this long. Did he petition the court for custody immediately after the child's birth? Did he provide money for his upkeep and medical expenses from the time he was conceived? Did he get a paternity test and see him regularly.Has he prroven that he is reliable, and has adequate ability to provide for his child's financial needs. He also has major responsibility for the position you are in right now. If he hasn't gotten resolution yet, he should have been paying a lawyer who is doing the job because the one he has now isn't doing so.

Ugh!!

How long does this arrangement have to take place? When is he expected to return home?

Under NO circumstances would I lie to the child or allow the child to be called by their last name--if I could help it. You and your son need to be honest and use age appropriate language to explain to him what is happening and who you are. I wouldn't wait for him to ask you about his false adoption....I would tell him the truth from the start....in a nice way. I wouldn't say, "They stole you from us"....or anything negative about the other family, but I certainly WOULD say that this is your daddy and grandma. He has every right to know the truth.

No, he's not the birth father, he's the father. Thats what I'd tell him. And that a judge says he should live with them, but his daddy wants to see him too which is why you drive so far each time you get to come and see him. He means everything to his dad. There is no "birth" anything here. Nor is there an adoption. If they're lying, I'd tell the judge. Call them on it and use it against them, lying isn't in the childs best interest. I know your case and situation and they're kidnappers.

Google it! Never fails LOl na but You need to be completely honest, I was in the foster care system and everyone was completely honest and it helped me understand what was going on. At 3 years old though I would go slow, then transition into detail as he/she gets older.

Obviously Renee is new to the board and doesn't know your story. I think you should tell him the truth that your son is his daddy and you are his grandma. Good luck to you all.

You should tell him the truth the easiest way you know how. It will be hard, but don't lie. If you lie it will only make it harder in the future. Good luck to you and your family.

Why does he have their last name if the adoption failed?

I don't think it's fair for anyone to lie to this child. I also don't think it's fair to over-analyse everything this poor child does. You and your son are constantly looking for signs that he doesn't care about them and I am sure that they are doing the same to you. I just feel sorry for the little guy.

you have a tough on here,

why was the child not returned within the first 6 month recall period ?????

was the father missing at birth ???

was d.n.a. testing done to establish proof beyond a doubt ?

the child is the pawn in this and needs to only now that everybody loves him so much that they are willing to do all this for him.