Is placing a child for adoption a selfless or selfish act?
I already know what I think the answer to this question is, but what I really want to know is what you think the answer is. Also, if you have an connection to adoption, mention that too.
2008-10-20T11:51:45Z
Thank you all for your answers! Also, egads at the amount of people who solicited me for a non-existent baby based on this question.
I'm not letting this question go for a vote because I do not want a sunshine and daisy answer of selfless whoohoo adoption answer to win.
It's selfish and selfless and neither in case you were wondering. You wouldn't want to wish this kind of place on anyone.
?2008-10-17T12:43:03Z
Favorite Answer
I believe that adoption is almost always the desperate act of a powerless woman who has exhausted all of her own resources and is preyed upon by people who take advantage of her vulnerable state. Neither selfish or selfless on her part, but VERY selfish on the part of the people who didn't or wouldn't support her and the people who benefited by her loss.
I think it can be both selfish and selfless. People do things for many reasons. I almost gave my daughter up for adoption because my family was very unsupportive and they were pressuring me into it. In the end my true feelings won out and it's been a struggle but it will work out in the end. Changing priorities, realizing what one can provide for their child, and what they can't. I think I wanted to adopt her out so her life would be "perfect"- as if her life would automatically be better than imperfect me. No-one is perfect and no-one's life is perfect. No family can be "perfect". I'm sure every woman who has decided an adoption has done so for many reasons-- some selfish perhaps, some selfless.
I think it's both. But mostly selfish. If I knew what I know now or if I was the person then that I am no, I would have never placed my daughter for adoption. Nothing can make up for that seperation that I imposed on us. Nothing can make up for the identity issues that my decision forced upon my daughter. If I had raised her, she would have never wondered whether or not I cared or whether or not I loved her.
So I say selfish mostly. I'm not sure she would be the same person if I had raised her and I'm happy to know that she is a happy and well rounded person. But with hindsight, I wish I had raised her and held her and loved her. However, I wonder if I would be so dedicated to holding and loving the children I am raising if I hadn't made the decisions I did in my youth...
This is a difficult question - I was adopted in the 1970's in the UK and things were very difficult - my birth mum lived at home and was engaged to a guy who once she found out she was pregnant did a runner she found that he was since married with 9 children. (I think they were Irish Catholics) which is proper hardcore religion (certainly in the 1970's). I believe she was put under pressure from her father who was a bully - she lived under their roof so fill in the gaps.
For her (and me) it was the right choice - although still pisses me off.
However nowadays in the UK there are so many choices our social benefit system is over generous and teenage mums have access to free social housing (often brand new), state funded benefits and they are not encouraged to work until the child is 12 (however my feelings on that are well documented on other pages on YA and I must not rant). Additionally birth Control is more widely available and education in schools and youth-groups more accessible. So I think that it now a selfish act on behalf of the birth mother.
I am putting the normal caveats of rape, abusive relationships etc are outside of my thoughts
Many adopters THINK that all these newborns were available for adoption because the mother didn't want them. That is very likely true if the baby is not Cacausian. However, it's pretty obvious when you have adopters trolling for caucasian babies at schools, online, every where, that a lot of them simply want to complete their family. They are quick to reject a child who has medical or mental illness issues. For the same reason, they reject older children as they don't want to adopt 'their problems.' Let's face it - a lot of older children in foster care HAVE problems or they would be with family members. Please note: I do not in any way think all adopters are like this. There are plenty of couples who adopt newborns or infants KNOWING that the child will likely have problems. As far as the couples you refer to, I think you just have your nose out of joint and aren't looking at the bigger picture. How many women do you know who have a newborn say nothing about their newborn? If your experience has been anything like mine, they talk about all circumstances of their newborn starting from when they got to the hospital to now. They want to be the center of attention sharing info about a newborn that they care about. I don't see how the couples you are referring to should be any different. They didn't give birth. They adopted. So talking about the adoption is going to be their center of life until the baby is a little older. Then they, just like normal parents, will settle in to talking about baby's firsts and progress and comparing their baby to everybody else's baby.