Adoption becoming a selfish act?

Not for nothing, but one could argue that having biological children is an even more selfish act than adoption. HAVING CHILDREN IS A SELFISH ACT. I get upset when I visit these threads and all I see it "Well infertile women should just adopt older children..." Let's be honest here. People desire to have a child that they can raise from birth so that it's easier to bond and the child's first memories will be with that couple. I honestly don't find anything wrong with that. What I don't understand is why some women on here can't sympathize with infertile women who would do ANYTHING to have a baby. Why does anyone have a baby? Because THEY want to be parents, rarely does one think about how shitty this world can be and how brining a child into it may not be the smartest thing FOR THAT CHILD. ****, if people thought about that then no one would have children. Children who are placed by their birthparents are ALREADY here, and (unless coercion was involved) the birthparents are the ones who are relinquishing their parental rights. Adoption exists both for infertile couples and for pregnant women who don't wish to parent at this present time. Why do people forget that it is the BIRTHMOTHER who is giving away her baby? No one is stealing it from her,

It's so easy to place blame,but I bet if you ask all of the anti-adoption people on here whether or not they themselves have an adopted an older child, well I'm guessing that you're going to receive a VERY small percentage. Again, I don't blame them. I wouldn't want to adopt an older child either.

Many adopters THINK that all these newborns were available for adoption because the mother didn't want them. That is very likely true if the baby is not Cacausian. However, it's pretty obvious when you have adopters trolling for caucasian babies at schools, online, every where, that a lot of them simply want to complete their family. They are quick to reject a child who has medical or mental illness issues. For the same reason, they reject older children as they don't want to adopt 'their problems.' Let's face it - a lot of older children in foster care HAVE problems or they would be with family members.

Please note: I do not in any way think all adopters are like this. There are plenty of couples who adopt newborns or infants KNOWING that the child will likely have problems.

As far as the couples you refer to, I think you just have your nose out of joint and aren't looking at the bigger picture. How many women do you know who have a newborn say nothing about their newborn? If your experience has been anything like mine, they talk about all circumstances of their newborn starting from when they got to the hospital to now. They want to be the center of attention sharing info about a newborn that they care about. I don't see how the couples you are referring to should be any different. They didn't give birth. They adopted. So talking about the adoption is going to be their center of life until the baby is a little older. Then they, just like normal parents, will settle in to talking about baby's firsts and progress and comparing their baby to everybody else's baby.

The fact is, when we adopted, it wasn't a long time planning, but opportunity literally knocked on our door, and we considered ourselves the luckiest, most blessed couple on earth to be able to adopt our son. We worked strongly with his first parents, and told them before he was ever born, that everything we got for the baby was for him/her (we didn't know at the time). We said that if they changed their minds, that the things were for him.

I have taken care of many kids in my home through the years to help avoid having them in the foster care system. I've worked with many single moms, and helped them keep their kids when no one else would. Our son would have been taken at the hospital by social services, because unknown to us, his first mom did a dose of meth to make herself go into labor, and the doctor said as a result, he was born meth addicted. He avoided being in foster care, and his first mom knows that I don't approve of the useage, however, in a way, I understand her closing the doors, and making sure she couldn't change her mind. I've helped her to get the help she needed, and she was going to place another baby with us, but I helped her gain the self confidence to raise his sister, and to quit anything wrong, and I gave her the courage to leave the dad, although in a way, they're better off now, because they're together again, and raising their child.

Three of the children that I thought the adoption was going to work were older kids. If I ever adopt again (I'm not planning on it right now since my husband died last Dec. 23), it will be an older child from foster care.

I often wonder how many children who are in the foster care system would need homes if there had been an opportunity to place the child at birth, with someone who'd also be good to the first parents, and who'd have a legally enforceable open adoption situation. Perhaps then, if more children were placed at birth, then there wouldn't be so many in bad situations where they're taken. Many times, money problems are a temporary problem, but many times, the education levels, confidence levels, and the repeated abuses of women, and of drugs/alcohol, etc, cause problems to be permanent, and that these children grow up in horrible conditions.

I have one biological son, and one adopted son. The oldest is 22, and the youngest is 3. I wasn't being selfsih to have my oldest-it just happened. I didn't adopt my youngest to save the world, but his first parents had made up their mind to place him, and it was going to happen. I'm just blessed to be the one raising him.

Of course it is selfish...everything Humans do be it good or whatever is to make themselves feel better.

I think adoption is very selfish but at the same time what would life be like for some of the children who didn't get adopted? Getting pregnant when you are ill equipped to be a parent is also selfish.

I'm not sure I can agree with "selfish" in this context, but I understand where your coming from.

Here's the thing. Many adoptive parents are young, and inexperienced with the whole parenting thing in the first place. Raising a newborn can seem far less intimidating then raising a child who was placed into foster care. If an adoptive parent doesn't feel comfortable, or confident in their overall parenting skills, then they should NOT become foster parents. It requires parenting skills that, well, not too many parents have naturally. Guidance and tolerance isn't something that comes naturally from a parent that was raised in a traditional home, where rule and punishment is (the only) motivation for good behavior. And It's delusional to think that "love conquers all". Sorry, but no.

It's in these cases that a foster-parent-wannabe SHOULD be selfish in making her final decision. They need to ask, selfishly, would they be able to manage a child that was emotionally or sexual abused, neglected, or abandoned. Would they be able to "cope" with irrational or erratic behavior, and be confident they can help the child though these times - without the use of physical punishment? If not, they may be doing the child more harm then good. Foster care or adoption, isn't scratch and sniff. It's a commitment with life-long consequence. Failure isn't (or shouldn't be) an option.

Besides, It's human nature to select a path that seems the easiest and looks like it might be the most successful for the "family" as a whole.

For what it's worth: Many kids in foster care DO end up either reuniting with their parents, or being adopted by their foster parents. A much smaller percentage "age out". While the stories of gloom and desperation of aged out kids is very real, it's becoming less and less of a "problem" each year. And it's because of the caring efforts of the Foster parents themselves that are making it happen. It's not so much the "system" getting better, even less credit goes to Politicians. It's the result of the system finally listening to foster care parents, and actually reading their reports that's making the biggest impact.

NOBODY should become a foster parent or adopt out of pity. This is one of the worst reasons to adopt.

I was adopted at 13. I was placed in a children's home at age 6. The children's home also did infant adoptions. We had two programs to help if they choose to parent or if they choose to give up.

I remember people saying that I was so lucky because my parents adopted me and saved me. I remember my parents saying that they are the lucky ones because they got to know me and share my life.

I don't think adoption is selfish rather you do it for an infant or an older child. Yes, adoption of infants can be expensive. But the cost of providing legal and medical care has to come from some where. In the children's home, not all the children were available to adopt. I myself was not until my parents to my Aunt to court and got her rights terminated. She didn't want me to live with her but she didn't want me to have any other family either.

Infant adoption is something that only the people who are going through it can truly understand. Certain set of circumstances have to be in place before it is considered. No one gets pregnant to give a baby up. But if you do something un planned or circumstances beyond your control happen then you consider it. Some go through with it and some don't. Some people want an infant and there is nothing wrong with that. Some will parent older children.

Yes there are a lot of children in foster care looking for forever homes. Rather than complain that people only want babies, why not be proactive and get the word out in your area of children needing homes. There are some people who have never thought about it. Even if you can't adopt right now, you can do a lot to help by being a big brother or sister, mentoring, volunteering to take the kids on field trips and getting local business to help

Yes, adoption is a "selfish" act. That doesnt make it wrong. People adopt for a myriad of reasons, some altruistic, some selfish, and some very, very primal reasons.

In an ideal world, all the foster children in the world, would be adopted but the big reality of foster care is that not all of them are adoptable. In fact, I would say about half are not. One, because the parents' rights have not been terminated 2) because of the severe nature of their mental, emotional and physical disabilities and 3) they belong to huge sibling group. There are very few people who have the resources to adopt a sibling group of 5 or more children.

I think you are getting upset over a group that amounts to a very small percentage of individuals. When I went through my adoption classes, the overwhelming majority of people didn't want a child so that people could pat them on the back and tell them how selfless they were. They wanted a child to love and to provide a home for. And yes, many wanted a newborn so that they could get the full experience of being a parent. There isn't anything wrong with that.

I think there are A LOT of people who are so quick to condemn adoptive parents and yet, they themselves, do not know what it is like to not be able to conceive a child. They sit at home with their children and cast judgement on adoptive parents. And yet, they have the nerve to call us arrogant or selfish.

Get real. If two people want to adopt a newborn, so be it. I hope they are able to adopt a newborn. If they want to adopt internationally, so be it. I hope they get that child. If they want to adopt from foster care, so be it.

It is their decision. It isn't yours or anyone elses. And they don't need your prejudices projected onto their motives.

Many people adopt who Never ever considered adoption when going into foster care but 3 yrs down the road and that little 2 yr old has had rights terminated and there is no going back. Many of the children going into foster care ARE newborns and yrs later become available for adoption---by then they are bonded and attached to the only parents they have ever known. Yes I adopted---an older child---7yrs old.

Adoption has always been MY FIRST CHOICE since I was very young. I've always felt strongly and kept my heart open to adoption.My fiance and I have tried in the past for a biological child and had several miscarriages. We decided to adopt because we wanted to share our home and "give a better life to a child." and we want to be parents. We have chosen to adopt from 2 sources. American FosterCare and Internationally. We have been matched with a boy/ girl TODDLER SIBLING SET the boy is 2 years old and the girl is 15 months from the foster care system. Internationally we chose Cambodia and have been matched with a newborn boy.

I adopted three babies from foster care, 2 as newborns and one at 13 months old, and, yes, it was a selfish act. I did it because I wanted children. Had I not adopted them, there was a line of families waiting behind me who would have taken them and loved them just as much as I do. But how is this any different from people who choose to have children naturally rather than adopting an older waiting child? Why are people who create families by adoption being held to a higher standard and expected to save all the waiting children?

Adopting an older child who may have emotional or behavioral problem is a very noble thing and I would love to do it some day, but it takes a commitment in time and energy that I'm just not able to give at this point in my life.

Let me ask you this: have you adopted an older child? If so, great! If not, why not?

@ Maggie...

For the same reason you are angry that people seem to forget that it is selfish to bring ANY child into the world that isn't planned, we are angry that people forget that adoption is not a solution to the problem.

As someone who was adopted at infancy, I agree with the OP that it is selfish & can be destructive. The point is not anti-adoption, but that the needs of the children should be top priority as opposed to the desires of couples who assume that infants are blank slates. They are not blank slates...

If a parent is not willing to deal with adoption issues, they should not adopt.