Why should adoptees "get over it" but not prospective adopters?
If prospective adopters are supported by the government and the general public in their quest to become parents, why are adoptees legally thwarted in their quest for their records and their first families?
2008-11-06T10:24:12Z
CrappieFishGirl: Why do you say that US adoptees are NOT legally thwarted from accessing their records? If an adult adoptee walked into the Vital Records Office with their first parents AND their adoptive parents - they STILL wouldn't have access to their original birth certificate in most states. Many states still do not have registries and access to non-identifying information.
Freckle Face2008-11-06T16:25:48Z
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Dear Romany,
Great point, it doesn't make sense.
I'm for open records. I'll see you in PA in June. Hopefully, one day closed adoptions will be a thing of the past. You have a right to the names of your parents and your original birth certificate. Geez, its not rocket science. I don't know why people don't get it.
It's because adoption is still a pretty screwed up system in some areas. Most birthmothers say they were not promised that they would be kept a secret from the children they gave birth too. The actual reason they kept all those records in secrecy in the beginning is to make it seem as though the adoptive parents were the ones that actually gave birth to the child. That is why original birth certificates are hidden and new ones are created. Everything about what the child was and the family they came for are supposed to be forgotten. I also think they probably don't want the child to grow up with the stigma of being a bastard, having been born to an unwed mother. I got news for them. Changing my birth certificate and hiding my information on us is actually more harm than good. I believe no one should be denied the right to have their original birth certificate or to know how they were brought into this world and by whom. A lot of adoptees and birthparents are fighting now so that they can end all of this secrecy.
Hometown Girl you may have adopted people in your family, but it is obvious you don't have any personal experience dealing with it. You have no clue what it's like to be denied those rights or to always wonder. If all you knew about your family was taken from you, I wonder how you'd feel.
Well, I see that the replies to your question reflect all the common misconceptions about adoptee AND mothers! Wow! I am impressed that the speculators manage to be so inclusive!
You ask a really good question. What always surprises me is how often the natural mothers are the only ones working to help adoptees to change these laws and perceptions. Why aren't the adoptive families supporting the adoptees with their searches and their quest for opening the records and finding their natural mothers?
Reason also has little to do with legislation, unfortunately. There seems to be a sort of new feeling of hopefulness in the air with the recent election and a sort of return to reason and compassion. Maybe the mood is more amenable to some of the changes we would like to see with the changes in the policies of the past 8 years.
I think it has a lot to do with society's comfort level. During my search, a few people became really angry with me. After all, what right did I have to lie and connive to find information (that non adopted kids have access to, no problem) What if my first mother had a whole other family who didn't know about me!How dare I intrude into her life. Why couldn't I just be happy with what I had. I think it would have made an awful lot of people in my life more comfortable if they'd never had to know what really went on, how I felt, and just how much I didn't have a right to, unlike other children.
I think a lot of people find it easier to think of adoption as this hugs and puppies experience, where it is always this mythic gift to all parties rather than to take a good hard look at the whole process and see what is so fundementally wrong with it. Plus it seems easier as a whole to just dismiss anyone who's had a bad/lukewarm adoption experience as bitter and angry rather than to look at what they are angry about.
As an adoptive mom, a friend of several adult adoptees, and a cousin to adoptees I have to say that adoptees are not "legall thwarted in their quest for their records and first families". At least not in the U.S.
As some other answerers stated, some birth parents have, for some reason, decided to not allow for the others to find them. They have that right to privacy whether we like it or not. Many more are more open to searches and have searched for their child.
All of my cousins and friends located their birth families or learned about them (1 cousin was not allowed to contact her birth father, but birth mom gave her the necessary details). Some have reconnected with their birth families, others simply wanted information and exchange Christmas cards.