Thoughts on last night's 20/20 show?

okay so I watched it, eyes riveted to my computer screen. 10 minutes in I burst into tears.

The video they took of the eldest child having a "melt down" as they called it, was exactly what I saw the first year my son lived with us.

Ironically, it was the hours of screaming that brought me here to Yahoo.

My son and daughter (they are biological siblings) were not adopted internationally, but thru foster care.

My heart is breaking for those children. I am overwhelmed with grief for them. I cannot stand the fact that their "parents" would even consider disrupting the adoption.

So much of what they said rang true to my experience, but my God, those children are children not puppies, NOT dolls, NOT replaceable.

It is hard. It is damn hard. But harder more for him than for me.

There is no "last straw" for me. I knew that the first time he tried to disembowel my cat and when he tried to cut off my rat's tail. I knew that when he destroyed things my dead mother gave me that were irreplaceable. I knew that. I just knew. There will NEVER be disruption here.

What really got me though is that they sent their daughter away to boarding school. Yes, gee, cuz that is sure to heal RADs. Are they idiots? And what business did they have adding to their family while their daughter so obviously needed every ounce of them? For God sakes!!@$@#$@#

You would think, me of all people would understand where they are coming from, but they need to be slapped and slapped hard. It seems to me that all the choices they made for these kids had NOTHING to do with the kids, and more about fulfilling what they themselves wanted.

I used to read others on here talk about the "me me me!" syndrome stemming from some PAPs. I don't think I fully understood what they were talking about until now.

I am very overwhelmed by this.

I didn't see the broadcast, but I did read the transcript.

It also seems to me that the family had some pretty unreasonable expectations of older children coming from an orphanage/institutional setting in another country. Every single resource I've ever read discusss the possibility (or probability) of emotional issues and delays due to simply coming from that setting. I can't figure out how they were surprised that the children they adopted had some scars from what they'd been through. Either they didn't do any research at all, or just felt that it couldn't happen to them, that love could conquer all, etc. The expectations that they seemed to place upon the children just wasn't reasonable or realistic.

I agree that the family should at least have done the Rosetta Stone for Russian and even if they weren't fluent speakers, should have been prepared to speak the language enough to communicate basic needs. I can't imagine how frustrating it would have been to those children to not be able to make themselves understood.

I know I keep coming back to this, but APs need to really keep their expectations in check. That's probably one of the biggest reasons that older child adoptions are disrupted: the adoptive parents expect more than what the child is capable of at that time, then punish the child accordingly. It just sets everyone up for failure and frustration.

I also don't like how these situations are presented as the "norm" in older child adoption. There are many adoptive families that aren't in chaos, even though the children were adopted at an older age (either domestic or overseas). But with the overemphasis on the negative experiences, is there any wonder why PAPs are so reluctant to adopt children older than 2 or 3?

Finally, I do think it's unforgivable to drag those children in front of the media like that, having all of their personal trauma aired for the nation. I think it was irresponsible of the adoptive parents and of the journalists to allow that. Interview the APs, the experts or whatever, but leave the children out of the camera.

I think that is a very sad situation for all parties involved. It's not the adoptees fault, it's not the adoptive parents fault, however, I am surprised that there are not more of these types of stories. Can you imagine? Moving to a new country with strangers, where the language, food, scents, mannerisms, people, etc., are so very different than you are accustomed?

There is one very important point that they did not explore further that bothered me, and it was the abuse that they claimed these children suffered in their orphanages.

I also believe that with any life changing experience, you need to explore the pros and cons, and do it to the fullest extent.

I can tell you this. I learned so much, but soon realized after our daughter's placement, that I have to learn so much more. That is the story of life.

As far as the choice between international and domestic adoptions goes, certainly, as an American, I would like to see children from our country adopted first, but then in God's eyes, we are ALL his children, and adoption for a couple is a personal choice for them, and their decision, not ours.

This is extremely disturbing. I am an adoptee, and the part that disturbs me is the, "We didn't want a perfect child, but we didn't want a child that would break up our family, cause problems in our marriage etc."

Any child, adopted or biological, can cause huge problems in a family. Ask any family that has had a child with severe autism, or depression or anything. If you are adopting or having a child, you must be prepared for the worst. That may sound pessimistic, but the fact is that we don't choose how our children turn out. We must love them no matter how they turn out.... adopted, biological, "Normal" or not.

I am still watching it so I just wanted to add that I cannot believe the parents are suing the adoption agency! Yes, they should have been warned. I get that. That is why I completely support adoption reform. BUT these parents should have been a)intelligent enough to do the research and b) less selfish. They talk about all this money they have spent on their kids problems, but look at their house... they have a long way to go before they are truly destitute. And biological parents often end up having to spend tons of money on their children's problems and disabilities or illnesses as well. They don't go trying to sue God or anything!

I understand that it is difficult. Adoption comes with its own set of problems, but parents should be prepared to realize that when you adopt a child it is for life. You cannot reject a child based on their medical problems or their behavior. You cannot just abandon them because they do not fit into your idea of a perfect family.

I thought it was very disturbing for many reasons. I think the AP's especially the mom had serious issues. They brought home an 11yo child from a Russian orphanage and expected her to not have any issues. That seems stupid. After not being able to raise her appropriately, they adopt another child who has the same types of issues. Makes a lot of sense (sarcasm)! They throw it up in the daughter's face that she should be grateful. They caught that on camera. Really crappy! They videotape personal problems so other people can see what they go through. Really selfish. They are suing the adoption agency for problems that even bio children can have. Crappy as well! They never learned to speak any Russian but couldn't understand why the 11 yo would have a meltdown the first week she was there. They obviously favored one child over the other. Must I go on?!?!?

Do people who adopt older children from foreign orphanages really expect them to come home with no issues? Do they really live in a fantasy world?

It made me sick. It took all my willpower not to chuck my remote control right through the television screen.

Talk about slanted, trying to make everything out to be the fault of the adopted kids and their inability to get with the program and start bonding and be all good and grateful for all the wonderful things their adoptive parents were doing for them, it's almost like they painted it as if these kids were doing this on purpose.

They sure laid a lot of sympathy on the poor poor adoptive parents, but where was the empathy for those kids? Not one shred of it was shown, not one ounce, for what they lost and what they went through. Not one person stopped and considered their lives or what they have endured or what adoption into a foreign country might mean for them. Oh no, they were just painted as the villians, you know us adoptees, we are always suspect, we are bad seeds, come from bad genes, and I like how that woman at the ranch tells them "Your "birth" mother drank while you were in the womb." How in the hell does she know? How does she know that? She DOES NOT. It might be true, it might not but screw her for telling them something that she has NO business telling them as some sort of fact when she knows diddly squat about their past lives in Russia.

And if anyone knows anything about her, yeah, she has said she understands why people kill their adopted kids, she actually thinks these kids deserve to be killed.

I thought the whole thing stunk like rotten decomposing skunk carcass.

I hated it. I am a foster kid and

i hated how the referred to us as almost inhuman. Did you notice that they never asked the kid how they felt? And what was up with that whole forign adoptee thing? Things in the U.S. are no better some even worse. I hate when people who don't understand try to say that they know more than us. People always need to put names on things can't they just say that the kids pissed off? I'm 15 and messed up I never lashed out on my care givers, I just turned to boxing and street fighting.

I though it was awful! People like that give APs a bad name seriously. She said she didnt want to deal with nighttime feedings and teething...umm why do fertility treatments? And do you really think bringing over a preteen from another country out of an orphanage will be easier than that! Get real!! Then when the poor kid was crying they were following her around with a video camera "b/c people wouldnt believe what they had to put up with" Of course my personal favorite was when they went back to russia to adopt another child b/c the girls missed their brother who possibly was murdered by their grandmother in front of them. So they replaced him with another kid!

Horrible horrible horrible!

I don't fully understand what point they were trying to make. If they were trying to make the APs look like horrible people, they succeeded. If they were trying to scare people away from foreign adoptions of older children, they succeeded. If they were trying to highlight the plight of the children, they failed.

The children were painted as villains instead of victims of tragic circumstances.

I'm an AP and it ticked me off.

It reaffirmed my thoughts on how adoption should be prevented and not used as solution.

More support and early education needs to be available/mandatory for some Natural Parents to prevent more children from going through this crap and living a horrific life. What did they say the estimation was up to 25% of IA (depending on the given year) go through this?. That camp looked awfully full.

I wish the people sitting on the wait list for babies and toddlers would smarten up and at least sponsor families/girls at risk instead of waiting for one to place their child up for adoption.