Robin

My oldest brother was born "out of wedlock" in an era when that was a shameful thing. His mom (my adopted mom, ironically) wanted to give him up for adoption. However, her mother wouldn't allow it. Consequently, he was raised by a bitter, angry, mother who took it out on him. She was physically, emotionally & verbally abusive. He became a heroin addict, in & out of prison, estranged from the entire family for the last 21 years of his life. I can't help but wonder if his life would have been better had he been adopted. I know personally that adoption doesn't guarantee a "happy home life". My (adopted) mom was bitter and cruel to me (she reluctantly agreed to my adoption) and really to everyone, some worse than others. I'm just wonder from my friends here who know adoption what your thoughts are.

Has anyone been watching the fascinating series "Faces of America" on PBS with Henry Louis Gates Jr? Henry said, "Where do I come from? It's the most basic human question there is."

http://video.pbs.org/video/1409106688

And after watching the reactions of his guests as he reveals their ancestors, the profound effect it has on each on of them, I wonder, how can anyone NOT get that as adoptees, we too have that most basic of human questions. "Where did I come from?"

I just found out that my a.mom passed away. We haven't had a relationship in over 12 years following the death of my a.dad, when she "unadopted" me via voice mail. Throughout my life, she was emotionally, verbally & physically abusive. I shed enough tears in my life because of that woman.

So why on earth do I have any tears left now? Since we haven't had a relationship for over a decade, I'm not going to miss her. I didn't miss any opportunity to "mend fences". There were none to mend. I did all I could do in 37 years to get along with her, bond with her, be a good daughter to her. I could never expect to get an apology from her, either.

So, why the tears? Any ideas?

For example, when an adult child/children raised by mom wishes to have a relationship with an adult child she relinquished. However, she does not want any contact.

Should siblings separated by adoption have a right to have a relationship with each other even when a 1st mom refuses contact with the child she relinquished?

Or should her adult child respect her wishes and have no contact with their own sibling either?

Why does an adoptee's curiosity or desire/need to find his or her roots seem like such a threat to your relationship (with them)? Why is it perceived as being disloyal to you, the a.parents?

Is there something your adult adoptee can do to reassure you? Would you rather not know about their search & reunion?

I know many APs & PAPs in this forum are comfortable with their kids one day searching for & a possible reunion with 1st family members.

I'm asking the question because I'd really like to understand from your perspective what's going through your mind when you think about search & reunion for your child when they grow up.

Thanks in advance for responding...

Did you know AP's can ALSO take an adoption tax credit for "Re-adoption expenses relating to the adoption of a foreign child"?

(NOTE:the credit is for the re-adoption of a foreign child ONLY)

WT...? Does that mean if the adoption is 'disrupted', they can deduct the cost of dumping the kid? Or does that mean another PAP gets to take the adoption tax credit once again? (thereby doubling the cost to taxpayers of bringing the child to the US as well as doubling the damage - or more - to the child?!)

BTW...here's the stats on the Adoption Tax Credit:

Adjusted Gross Income (limit) less than $210,820

Tax Credit per Child $11,390

"you may be able to claim a credit of up to $9,000 and also exclude up to $4,000." - - - for a total combined credit of $13,000 per child!

http://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-pdf/i8839.pdf

Qualified adoption expenses includes travel & lodging expenses.***

i.e., pays for the airfare & hotels.

What are your thoughts of this tax credit? Of the Adjusted Gross Income Limit? The credit as it applies to re-adoption of foreign adoptees?

than being a homeless, drug addicted prostitute in another country?

Is it easier to be homeless, drug addicted, selling your body for food, drugs, shelter in America? Is it somehow less tragic to end up a homeless, poor, drug addicted, prostitute in America? Is it because America's streets are paved, while many other countries have dirt roads?

Is it less cold in the winter in Minnesota, New York, Illinois, Washington, Idaho than it is in China, Russia, India, Vietnam, Korea, Guatemala, Mexico, S. Africa?

Is poverty "better" in America than it is in other countries? I'm just wondering since this is a main argument in support of IA. Though I'm not opposed to all IA, the US Govt's issues Adoption Alerts to caution American citizens about adopting from certain countries b/c of fraud, trafficking, etc.

http://adoption.state.gov/news/notices.html

So please enlighten me, is it because poverty is worse in other countries that we should adopt internationally rather than adopting from foster care in spite of the stats on children who age out of foster care?

"In a study of children who had “aged out” of foster care, researchers found that within 12 to 18 months of turning 18 & leaving foster care, 27% of males & 10% of females were incarcerated, 50% were unemployed, 37% had not finished high school, 33% received public assistance, & 19% of females had given birth to children."

http://www.achildswaiting.com/adoptive_p...

than being a homeless, drug addicted prostitute in another country?

Is it easier to be homeless, drug addicted, selling your body for food, drugs, shelter in America? Is it somehow less tragic to end up a homeless, poor, drug addicted, prostitute in America? Is it because America's streets are paved, while many other countries have dirt roads?

Is it less cold in the winter in Minnesota, New York, Illinois, Washington, Idaho than it is in China, Russia, India, Vietnam, Korea, Guatemala, Mexico, S. Africa?

Is poverty "better" in America than it is in other countries? I'm just wondering since this is a main argument in support of IA. Though I'm not opposed to all IA, the US Govt's issues Adoption Alerts to caution American citizens about adopting from certain countries b/c of fraud, trafficking, etc.

http://adoption.state.gov/news/notices.html

So please enlighten me, is it because poverty is worse in other countries that we should adopt internationally rather than adopting from foster care in spite of the stats on children who age out of foster care?

"In a study of children who had “aged out” of foster care, researchers found that within 12 to 18 months of turning 18 & leaving foster care, 27% of males & 10% of females were incarcerated, 50% were unemployed, 37% had not finished high school, 33% received public assistance, & 19% of females had given birth to children."

In a study of children who had “aged out” of foster care, researchers found that within 12 to 18 months of turning 18 & leaving foster care, 27% of males & 10% of females were incarcerated, 50% were unemployed, 37% had not finished high school, 33% received public assistance, & 19% of females had given birth to children."

http://www.achildswaiting.com/adoptive_p...

The show was about a married couple who had one child, approx. 3, & decided to have another. The husband was set to begin a lucrative new job, but it fell through. The couple separated briefly b/c of financial woes, then got back together & decided to relinquish the child the wife was carrying b/c they weren't doing as well financially as they wanted & felt the financial difficulties (if they kept their child) would be a strain on their marriage.

Another couple (engineers) had focused entirely on their careers & said they'd never even thought about having children while growing up or during the 1st 15 years of their marriage. They decided they wanted a child but b/c she was in her mid 40's, pregnancy wasn't an option. They adopted the 1st couples child.

Did anyone see this episode? What are your thoughts about the situation? What do you suppose this child will one day think about her adoption story?

My parents really didn't talk about my 1st mom too much. I was told that she & I were sick, my b.dad was at sea & she couldn't take care of me. Beyond that, I remember very little discussion about her. Maybe that's one reason I didn't think too much about my being adopted or wonder who she was until I was in Jr. High.

If your parents did talk to you about her - how often did they? Did you think of her often while growing up? Do you think your parents talking about her or not talking about her made had an impact on how often you thought about her? Would you feel guilty bringing up the topic?

I know I did! I felt like I was being disloyal & feared hurting my a. parent's feelings if I spoke of her.

Did anyone watch 20/20 last night? Your thoughts? Are you an adoptee? Adoptive parent? Prospective adopter?

http://abcnews.go.com/2020

I've seen many comments about international or interracial adoption - things about the culture & language being different, etc. All valid points. And it got me wondering how many adoptees noticed that they didn't look like anyone in their family even though your adopted parents were the same race?

I was adopted by parents that had the same coloring, etc. I never had a good 'self image' of my appearance (could have something to do with a nasty comment from my a.mom). But I wonder how much of it had to do with the fact that I didn't look like anyone in my family.

Before I found my birth family, I really looked forward to looking into a face that looked like mine. Did anyone else share a similar experience?

... from your family (adopted and/or birth)? Do you have problems connecting fully? Do you feel it's related to your adoption?

How old were you when you were adopted?

Did you always know you were adopted?

Did you notice a problem as a kid, or not until you were a teenager or as an adult?

Does your view of "family" extend beyond blood lines & continue after divorce?

I consider my former in-laws as part of our family. But so many people exclude their former in-laws after the divorce. To me, families are forever. Yet, I sometimes feel oddly disconnected. Or "partially" connected.

And when is adoption a better idea for a child?

If a child is born into an abusive home life, is it possible that kinship care is not a healthy choice or necessarily the best choice for a child? See the article below.

http://www.santamariatimes.com/articles/2008/06/14...

I look forward to everyone's thoughts. Thank You!

Have you ever heard of medical adoption?

What are your thoughts on this practice?

http://medicaladoptions.com/

Should it be against the law?

What is the best way for an adoptee to tell their adoptive parents they're thinking of searching for a first mom/family? What can an adoptee say to parents to ease their concerns, fears, and/or insecurities (about searching)?

What would you like to know about your adoptee's desire to search? How can an adoptee help AP's see that their desire to search has NOTHING to do with their feelings of love for or loyalty to their parents?

When I see comments about an adoptee's desire to search being 'an insult to the family that took you in, raised you & loved you like their own', I really wonder if there's any way to reassure parents.

For adoptees & first parents who have been reunited...

How long have you been reunited? Do you have a relationship with your lost family member(s)? Are you still in contact?

How long did your search take - from the first inquiry to first contact?

How did you search? On your own? With a support group? With the help of a search angel? Or with a service or search professional?

Did your a.parents know you were searching? If so, did they encourage or discourage you? Did they feel threatened? Were they supportive? And...if you've been reunited for some time, have they accepted it? Has it changed your relationship with your adopted parents/family?

If you have siblings, how did they respond to your search & reunion?

Did finding change your view of your self, your family, adoption in general? If so, how?

Thanks all for your responses... ~ : D

...adopting a newborn vs. a child from foster care? Children in foster care have parents who are unable to parent their child for a variety of reasons (in my area, most often due to drug addiction). Do you believe that these children need stable, loving, permanent homes? If not, what option do you see for them?

Adopting a newborn most often occurs b/c a mother feels unprepared to be a mother - whether due to her financial situation, her age, the family support available to her (or not). With proper support, she may be able to mother her own child. It should be her choice, but not one made under duress or out of fear. Yes?

What are your thoughts? Is adoption of a child from foster care (or those orphaned) different than adopting a newborn? Also, was adoption 'different' 40+ years ago than it is today? Open vs. sealed? Fewer newborns available with the stigma of being unwed minimized & women choosing to keep their child?

Do these factors influence your opinions? If so, how?

...on adoptees who want to search?

...first parents who want to be found?

...adoptive parents who support their child's search?

http://statistics.adoption.com/information/adoptio...

With such a HUGE majority of support for open records by all sides, why do you think records are still sealed in 44 states?

What do you believe the are the reasons for refusing to allow adoptees access to their records?

After reading some of the answers to this same question addressed to ADOPTEES, I seriously doubt it. It seems it's OK for AP's & PAP's to say cruel, hateful, mean things to adoptees. But I wonder. Do you ever regret the cruel, mean, horrible, judgmental, harsh things YOU say to adoptees?

After all, adoptees are horrible for wanting to reform adoption, for believing adoption should be focused on the child's needs, rather than adult's needs.

I wasn't an angry adoptee until I landed her and read so many of the AP & PAP's posts. How can you justify your own cruelty to adoptees?