How do you speak about your adopted child's parents of origin?
When asked about your child's biological parents, do you freely speak of their circumstances? If you do, what kind of phrases do you use to describe them and their actions? Are the phrases positive, negative, or indifferent? Do you think that the adopted children are a reflection of how you speak of their biological parents?
Or if you are an adopted person, how does hearing your parents speak of your biological parents make you feel?
2008-11-11T18:50:25Z
Also, just to clarify, this question is referring to conversations with *anyone* about your child's biological parents, not just conversations you have had with your child.
Freckle Face2008-11-11T21:01:27Z
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Dear Magic Pointe Shoes,
I teach my children by example for the most part. Our family has always loved, honored, and respected M. She is family. We wouldn't allow anyone to talk about her disrespectfully.
I often say, we don't know what it is like to walk in her shoes, so lets give her the benefit of the doubt. We try to be compassionate, understanding and patient, when things don't work out the way we hope they would with M.
Yes, i do believe our children will absorb how and what we say about her other mother. There are things i'm so mama bear about racial issues and adoption issues. DD knows i will not stand by and be silent about anyone being disrespectful of first parents. If i say nothing, my daughter is watching and learning, so i kindly debate no matter how uncomfortable. (same applies to racial issues, btw)
It's tricky with us because our daughter is the second of four children and the only one placed for adoption. She's also the only child whose natural father is part African American. She's old enough to ask questions about why she looks different and why her sisters and brother don't live with us.
We talk about the tough time her natural mother was having when she was born. Without going into the details, the situation was bad and she was really struggling. We know the decision her natural mom made was made out of love. Because we have an open adoption, I don't need to guess what her reasons were, I know.
The phrases are positive, they are compassionate, they are realistic, they are age-appropriate and they stress that love and hope were the foundation of her natural mother's decision.
I rarely discuss her natural family with people. Even with my own family I am quiet. They really don't understand. Early on I was asked "She's had how many children with how many men and she's only how old?" I learned to keep the private issues private.
My daughter is almost 3, so we aren't at a point where she is able to ask a lot of questions or have a lot of dialogue, although there are little ones. We often look at a photo album that we keep in my daughter's bedroom of her time before our family. We call her first parents her Taiwan Mother and Taiwan Father. She knows the word adopted and can tell you who the people from her biological family are in pictures, but she doesn't totally understand. We will talk openly about her first parents, we will say we don't know when we don't know, we will help her reuinite or have any questions answered that she wants and will often remind her that that is normal and good to want that, not just assume that if she doesn't bring it up she doesn't want that. There are hard details of her surrender that will surely be painful for her, but it's her life and she deserves to know it. The manner and timing of how the details come out in conversation will depend on her level of maturity, but certainly by adolecence.
I generally don't say anything specific about my daughter's history to anyone else, except medical and social history information necessary to doctors. It's her decision to whom and how much of her history she wants to tell when she gets older.
My ten year old doesn't feel ready to go yet. We have friends from there who would go with us and whose home we could stay at. We are in touch with our son's mother, though, and my son feels that if we go all that way he should meet her. He's nervous. My two who were adopted from Africa have only been here a year or so and they still cry at the idea of going back, so we're going to give them more time to settle down. We really want to respect all our children's wishes. If they get to the teen years and are still uncertain about visiting their families, then we'll just take them to their countries to do tourist things. Maybe once there they'll feel comfortable enough to do a visit, but I won't force them. (We keep in touch with both families through letters, pictures, and sponsorship right now) Regarding getting more information from the orphanage - sooner is always better than later. Within a year of our adoption our son's mother had moved twice. Within two years, the orphanage director had passed away (she was only forty). Within five years the NGO that ran the orphanage closed it to consolidate with another one and many of the staff were let go.
I have not adopted but I have a foster daughter who at some point may be adopted. SHe's 3. She visits with her father who is doing very little (but he is doing a little) to get her. I can't say get her back because he has never had her. Her mother gave her to on of her fathers relatives (not offically) and then had another baby. Her mother starved and neglected that baby until it died. The relatives she was given to abused her and she ended up in foster care. Sad Sad situation. We don't ever talk about her mother. I don't even know if she knows she had a mother because she never had her. But I think about what will happen if I have to tell her some day (if we adopted) that not only did her mother give her away but she killed her sibling. The only time we really talk about her dad is before and after her visits. She enjoys seeing him but I don't think she really understand the concept of a mother and father because she hasn't ever had one. She has really been exploring what a family is I think. The other day she said "I'm the big sister" (I have a 1 year old son) and "he's the ummm brother". Then she said "I'm a good big sister"
Anyway like I said we don't talk about her mother for obvious reasons. She does have a counselor and they may discuss her but I seriously doubt it because like I said I don't think she even realizes she has a mother (other than me).