How do you speak about your adopted child's parents of origin?

Dear Magic Pointe Shoes,

I teach my children by example for the most part. Our family has always loved, honored, and respected M. She is family. We wouldn't allow anyone to talk about her disrespectfully.

I often say, we don't know what it is like to walk in her shoes, so lets give her the benefit of the doubt. We try to be compassionate, understanding and patient, when things don't work out the way we hope they would with M.

Yes, i do believe our children will absorb how and what we say about her other mother. There are things i'm so mama bear about racial issues and adoption issues. DD knows i will not stand by and be silent about anyone being disrespectful of first parents. If i say nothing, my daughter is watching and learning, so i kindly debate no matter how uncomfortable. (same applies to racial issues, btw)

Thanks for the question!

It's tricky with us because our daughter is the second of four children and the only one placed for adoption. She's also the only child whose natural father is part African American. She's old enough to ask questions about why she looks different and why her sisters and brother don't live with us.

We talk about the tough time her natural mother was having when she was born. Without going into the details, the situation was bad and she was really struggling. We know the decision her natural mom made was made out of love. Because we have an open adoption, I don't need to guess what her reasons were, I know.

The phrases are positive, they are compassionate, they are realistic, they are age-appropriate and they stress that love and hope were the foundation of her natural mother's decision.

I rarely discuss her natural family with people. Even with my own family I am quiet. They really don't understand. Early on I was asked "She's had how many children with how many men and she's only how old?" I learned to keep the private issues private.

My daughter is almost 3, so we aren't at a point where she is able to ask a lot of questions or have a lot of dialogue, although there are little ones. We often look at a photo album that we keep in my daughter's bedroom of her time before our family. We call her first parents her Taiwan Mother and Taiwan Father. She knows the word adopted and can tell you who the people from her biological family are in pictures, but she doesn't totally understand. We will talk openly about her first parents, we will say we don't know when we don't know, we will help her reuinite or have any questions answered that she wants and will often remind her that that is normal and good to want that, not just assume that if she doesn't bring it up she doesn't want that. There are hard details of her surrender that will surely be painful for her, but it's her life and she deserves to know it. The manner and timing of how the details come out in conversation will depend on her level of maturity, but certainly by adolecence.

I generally don't say anything specific about my daughter's history to anyone else, except medical and social history information necessary to doctors. It's her decision to whom and how much of her history she wants to tell when she gets older.

My ten year old doesn't feel ready to go yet. We have friends from there who would go with us and whose home we could stay at. We are in touch with our son's mother, though, and my son feels that if we go all that way he should meet her. He's nervous. My two who were adopted from Africa have only been here a year or so and they still cry at the idea of going back, so we're going to give them more time to settle down. We really want to respect all our children's wishes. If they get to the teen years and are still uncertain about visiting their families, then we'll just take them to their countries to do tourist things. Maybe once there they'll feel comfortable enough to do a visit, but I won't force them. (We keep in touch with both families through letters, pictures, and sponsorship right now) Regarding getting more information from the orphanage - sooner is always better than later. Within a year of our adoption our son's mother had moved twice. Within two years, the orphanage director had passed away (she was only forty). Within five years the NGO that ran the orphanage closed it to consolidate with another one and many of the staff were let go.

I have not adopted but I have a foster daughter who at some point may be adopted. SHe's 3. She visits with her father who is doing very little (but he is doing a little) to get her. I can't say get her back because he has never had her. Her mother gave her to on of her fathers relatives (not offically) and then had another baby. Her mother starved and neglected that baby until it died. The relatives she was given to abused her and she ended up in foster care. Sad Sad situation. We don't ever talk about her mother. I don't even know if she knows she had a mother because she never had her. But I think about what will happen if I have to tell her some day (if we adopted) that not only did her mother give her away but she killed her sibling. The only time we really talk about her dad is before and after her visits. She enjoys seeing him but I don't think she really understand the concept of a mother and father because she hasn't ever had one. She has really been exploring what a family is I think. The other day she said "I'm the big sister" (I have a 1 year old son) and "he's the ummm brother". Then she said "I'm a good big sister"

Anyway like I said we don't talk about her mother for obvious reasons. She does have a counselor and they may discuss her but I seriously doubt it because like I said I don't think she even realizes she has a mother (other than me).

Well first off, my adopted son is 4. Some think its too early for me to start telling him that he is indeed adopted. I don't believe it is. Even now, we talk about his birth mother and his two younger brothers, that she was lucky enough to be able to keep, because their dad loved them enough not to walk out. I have never once said anything negative about his mother, nor will I ever. Not to him, but yes when being attacked, I do defend myself with what I have. I believe he can form his own conclusions about her, when he gets to the appropriate age. Now, as for any conversation he may want to bring up or ask, over time. He wont have to worry, because she is still very much apart of our lives. I am not giving him any kind of false illusion that I gave birth to him. As for my child, no he is no reflection of her. Yes he looks like her, makes some of her faces, but I have had him since the day he was born. It's hard enough to give up your child, but to ever say anything bad about a child's birth parent to them, is unthinkable. Especially at such a fragile age.

On here, I vent about what she did to my son (using meth, and causing him to be born premature because of her use, and the fact that she immediately became pregnant again, and kept the baby, who is going through hell, living in a cold camper, and worse).

To my son, I would never speak ill of her, nor would I around anyone who might ever know her, or where what I said could be repeated, or said back to her or my son.

I also stayed quiet about my natural son's bio father, who left the day I found out I was pregnant, was married to 5 women when I got pregnant, married 2 more while I was pregnant, and 7 more afterwards. He stole everything I had, and left me, knowing I had a very low chance of surviving a pregnancy, and took out 200,000 of life insurance on me. Thank God, he's a changed man, and my son was first introduced to him at age 17. He has made up his own mind about him, and together, they have a beginning father/son relationship, without previous prejudice. I hope my adopted son gets the opportunity later to meet and know his first family too.

When others ask about my son's first mother, I say that "she is a good person but wasn't able to take care of a child." That's the truth and it usually stops them from asking any other questions. It's none of their business anyway. I don't hide the fact that I adopted my son, but his history is His Story to share if he so chooses. It's not mine.

When speaking with my son, I now use the term "first mother." I tell him pretty much the same thing I tell others who ask -- she wasn't able to take care of him. I always preface it by saying "She loved you very much and still does." (BTW, this isn't the same as saying, "She loved you so much she gave you up.") He occasionally asks questions about his first family and I answer with honesty and without judgment.

Our daughter, adopted from Eastern Europe, is very open about her adoption. She was nearly 4 yrs. old when we adopted her and she is in her teens now. We always speak honestly and respectfully of her birthmom. She needs to feel good about where she comes from.

Best wishes.

They were honest about knowing absolutely nothing about her or the circumstances of my adoption - it was very frustrating for all of us having only fantasy and conjecture, rather than reality to discuss.

My parents never spoke ill of my Mother and referred to her as 'your real mother', which was nice. They were stable and secure parents and never got their panties in a bunch or delusional like alot of people on here.

I love that my parents are realists, it's brought us closer as a family.