As an adult child of divorced parents, how do I communicate with my angry mother?
I am an adult child of parents who divorced 10 years ago. My wedding is coming up in a few months, and my mother refuses to go to the wedding if my father and his new wife is there. She still holds a great deal of anger towards him, and is now angry with me for inviting him. I have put in great effort and done therapy to make peace with their divorce, and now my Mom has reopened a big wound. It's my wedding! I am trying not to respond with anger. But, my patience is wearing thin.
SarAnn2009-02-05T10:32:34Z
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Tell your mom that you're extremely disappointed, both in her unwillingness to forget the past for one day, and in holding resentment towards you for wanting both of your parents to attend your wedding. My parents are divorced, but they never made me choose who to pick for important events. They were both there for graduations, awards ceremonies, etc.
You can not make her go, and you wouldn't want her making a scene if she did. Let her make her own choice and be haunted by regret for the rest of her life.
Tell your mother that you want her at your wedding, and if it will make her feel any better tell her to bring a male guest to accompany her. She needs to start acting like an adult and put her personal feelings about your father and his new wife on the back burner, because this is YOUR wedding and not hers. Your father has every right to be at his daughters wedding and walk you down the aisle, regardless how she feels. She can chose to be angry and act any way she wants when she's on her own time. But she needs to be told to behave at the wedding(if she goes) or have her removed just as you would any other guest that behaves inappropriately. If she chooses not to go to the wedding, I would talk to your father in private about just how childish she's acting and how much her decision is hurting you. Sometimes you need to be hard on your parent(s) when you're trying to do something the in the best interest of yourself and everyone else involved. It's not going to be easy but it needs to be done; then the ball is in her court to do the right thing by her daughter. Good Luck with your mother,and Best Wishes in your marriage/future!!!!!!!
Look I am a mom and here is my advise ,10 years is long enough and if your mom really loves you she will suck it up and go .So let it be up to her after you tell her this . Her and your dad divorce you didn't divorce neither so she should respect your plan and hey if she don't then she will be the one looking bad not going to her daughters wedding .So please just ask her why she would let that keep her from the wedding,And tell her it is her own choice that you wish for her to be there but totally up to her .And have a wonderful wedding,It's way past time mom should be over it by now
I think your mother is being selfish and is making you feel bad for something that you need to be celebrating about. Unfortunately if she doesn't want to come to the wedding, that's her issue...easier said than done though.
She's also turning this into a power struggle-- and in her own mind, you are going to lose either way. You'll end up offending someone if you did or didn't invite your dad and his new wife. What your mother needs to do is grow up herself and if she can't get the maturity to realize that this day is supposed to make you happy, maybe it's better if she doesn't come at all.
I would tell her that it's YOUR wedding, not hers. If she chooses to be angry because you want to include people there from your life who are important to you, that's HER problem. HER problem is that she needs to respect the fact that it's your wedding and you can invite who you please and it's HER choice if she won't come and wants to make you feel bad. Say these things calmly and if she gets angry, let her. You dealt with your issues and it's time for her to deal with hers.
I got married myself and I can tell you that someone-- it doesn't matter who, but that someone will always take offense or issue with ANYTHING no matter what. I say get married the way you dam_n well please.
If you mother wants to digress and act like a 10 year old spoiled child ( which she is), then she shouldn't go to the wedding. I have seen this problem in my work. The piece of advice I give is whether it is that important to you to have both parents there. They both need to keep in mind that this day is about you and not your mother. Often weddings will bring out the worst in families. Your mother needs to understand that making you unhappy on your day will surely affect your future relationship with her. Inform her that her hostility and anger need to stop for one day or don't bother to come. This may bring you pain but at this point ( after ten years), what is the point for her to stay angry with your father? She is not thinking about you but herself. Make it known to her your intentions. If you don't stick to a firm ground with her, she will continue to use your dad as leverage to get her way.