Adoptees or adoptive parents: What is the rudest comment you've gotten about adoption?
I'm adopted and the question I get asked the most is "Do you know your real parents?" I hate saying "real" because its like saying the other set of parents is fake, but to keep it simple I usually just say "my adoptive parents are my REAL parents because they are the ones who love me and did everything for me." I also hate when people ask why I was put up for adoption, since I don't feel like explaining my bio parents extensive criminal histories. the dumbest thing i've been asked is if my brother, who is my adoptive parents bio son, gets treated better than me because he is blood related to them! my brother and I have always been very close and my parents love both of us, even though i'm in college now we still visit each other a lot (I think he might like visiting me a lot because he thinks my roommate is hot, lol)
Shelly P. Tofu, E.M.T.2009-04-07T15:25:47Z
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I'll answer it as a future adoptive parent.
The WORST one because it goes WAY beyond "rude" and into "hurtful" is "If God meant for you to be a mother he would have made you fertile" or something that inferrs that... yeah.. that's pretty hurtful.. especially by internet strangers who don't know me from Eve and what kind of parent I'd make.
Also all the "Adoptive parents are evil greedy baby-snatchers" etc etc etc..
"Raising a child till he's 18 doesn't make you a mother, because he's not your OWN child."
Oh, and I love the "Most people are infertile because they're fat, pissed away their fertility (There's one "PIshy" user here who LOVES to say that) or have STDs.. then they feel entitled to someone else's baby... Yeah, as one who was born infertile, stayed a virgin until marriage, and has dealt with weight issues and the judgment that goes along with being "big.."" that one hits all the wrong/right buttons.. (One comment about my weight when I WAS big was enough to drive me into a 2+ year eating disorder) Yeah... take the knife out of me please?? Thanks...
Yeah.. all that stuff is pretty rude and hurtful...
Oh, I've gotten several that I would consider "rude". The rudest comments I've ever received is on this forum. Of course, the internet makes it possible. It's a lot easier to insult someone over a computer than it is face to face.
In real life, I've gotten a few as well.
"You're a saint! You're a wonderful person for doing this!" Often well meaning, but still, I didn't do this for sainthood. Don't need a reality TV show or a segment on 60 minutes.
"You want to adopt *black* children?" Yes, someone actually had the nerve to say that to my face.
"How much did they cost?" Always popular.
Online, I'd say that the comments fall into two main catagories. Either people who have never met me are telling me how I feel. Or people who have never met my children or lived through their experiences are telling me what they feel.
"You just want to own your children! When they grow up they will tell you to stop controlling their lives and leave them alone." Obviously, this person was consulting a crystal ball or tarot cards.
"Adopted children don't really love their parents. It's Stockholm Syndrome." Enough said.
And finally, "The ONLY children that need homes are in foster care!" Really? You go live in a third world country orphanage and tell me that those children don't need homes. Yes, there are few infants and toddlers available for adoption overseas and yes, that's where the big "demand" is. But the older children living in orphanages deserve a home and family just as much as the children in foster care. Don't tell me they don't "need" one unless you've lived in their situation.
People can be so rude!! I have 2 daughters (who were adopted) I don't have any bio children, so the question I get asked a lot is how come we didn't go to a fertility doctor or why didn't we get a baby instead of the older children. I usually ignore the question and go forward with the rest of the conversation or just ask a question myself. I'm glad you have great parents and that you and your brother get a long so well!! I can only hope all my children get a long as well as you and your family!! Best wishes to you!!
* Why would his mother give away such a beautiful child? (Right. Because only ugly kids are in foster care. WHAT?) * Was his mother on drugs? (How is this any of your business?) * He's so lucky to have you! (No, I'm the lucky one. I get to parent this fantastic kid!) * You're so wonderful for adopting. (Not really. I didn't adopt for purely philanthropic reasons. I wanted to be a mom and now I am a mom. I got really lucky.) * You took such a risk. You never know what problems an adopted child might have. (Excuse me? Because every child who ISN'T adopted is perfect?) * How nice that his (adoptive) father is still in his life. (My husband and I adopted our son and later divorced. My son and I now live 2500 miles away from my ex-husband, but he visits every 6-8 weeks. I really resent the implication that just because we adopted our son, his dad wouldn't want to continue to be a part of his life just because he's not biologically related. How insensitive and presumptuous is THAT?)
The worst thing ever is that we get "oh you are such angels to adopt these kids. I could never do that." Most of our children are special needs (2 in wheelchairs, one without an arm, etc.) This gets said in front of my kids. Not one of my children is deaf. I got asked by one of my daughters why it was special that we would adopt them and why those people wouldn't. I wanted to cry. I said well we get to be angels because you are our blessings and give us angel wings and that woman just isn't lucky enough to get to adopt you. I don't know if it helped or not as I could tell this bugged her and the problem is this type of crap happens a lot. I don't like it and don't know what to do about it. I am sure people mean well but the fact is that they don't know my kids and the fact that they are a heck of a lot more than their outward disabilities. We are the lucky ones to have them not the other way around.