Adoptees or adoptive parents: What is the rudest comment you've gotten about adoption?

I'll answer it as a future adoptive parent.

The WORST one because it goes WAY beyond "rude" and into "hurtful" is "If God meant for you to be a mother he would have made you fertile" or something that inferrs that... yeah.. that's pretty hurtful.. especially by internet strangers who don't know me from Eve and what kind of parent I'd make.

Also all the "Adoptive parents are evil greedy baby-snatchers" etc etc etc..

"Raising a child till he's 18 doesn't make you a mother, because he's not your OWN child."

Oh, and I love the "Most people are infertile because they're fat, pissed away their fertility (There's one "PIshy" user here who LOVES to say that) or have STDs.. then they feel entitled to someone else's baby... Yeah, as one who was born infertile, stayed a virgin until marriage, and has dealt with weight issues and the judgment that goes along with being "big.."" that one hits all the wrong/right buttons.. (One comment about my weight when I WAS big was enough to drive me into a 2+ year eating disorder) Yeah... take the knife out of me please?? Thanks...

Yeah.. all that stuff is pretty rude and hurtful...

Oh, I've gotten several that I would consider "rude". The rudest comments I've ever received is on this forum. Of course, the internet makes it possible. It's a lot easier to insult someone over a computer than it is face to face.

In real life, I've gotten a few as well.

"You're a saint! You're a wonderful person for doing this!" Often well meaning, but still, I didn't do this for sainthood. Don't need a reality TV show or a segment on 60 minutes.

"You want to adopt *black* children?" Yes, someone actually had the nerve to say that to my face.

"How much did they cost?" Always popular.

Online, I'd say that the comments fall into two main catagories. Either people who have never met me are telling me how I feel. Or people who have never met my children or lived through their experiences are telling me what they feel.

"You just want to own your children! When they grow up they will tell you to stop controlling their lives and leave them alone." Obviously, this person was consulting a crystal ball or tarot cards.

"Adopted children don't really love their parents. It's Stockholm Syndrome." Enough said.

And finally, "The ONLY children that need homes are in foster care!" Really? You go live in a third world country orphanage and tell me that those children don't need homes. Yes, there are few infants and toddlers available for adoption overseas and yes, that's where the big "demand" is. But the older children living in orphanages deserve a home and family just as much as the children in foster care. Don't tell me they don't "need" one unless you've lived in their situation.

People can be so rude!! I have 2 daughters (who were adopted) I don't have any bio children, so the question I get asked a lot is how come we didn't go to a fertility doctor or why didn't we get a baby instead of the older children. I usually ignore the question and go forward with the rest of the conversation or just ask a question myself.

I'm glad you have great parents and that you and your brother get a long so well!! I can only hope all my children get a long as well as you and your family!! Best wishes to you!!

I'm an adoptive mother.

* Why would his mother give away such a beautiful child? (Right. Because only ugly kids are in foster care. WHAT?)

* Was his mother on drugs? (How is this any of your business?)

* He's so lucky to have you! (No, I'm the lucky one. I get to parent this fantastic kid!)

* You're so wonderful for adopting. (Not really. I didn't adopt for purely philanthropic reasons. I wanted to be a mom and now I am a mom. I got really lucky.)

* You took such a risk. You never know what problems an adopted child might have. (Excuse me? Because every child who ISN'T adopted is perfect?)

* How nice that his (adoptive) father is still in his life. (My husband and I adopted our son and later divorced. My son and I now live 2500 miles away from my ex-husband, but he visits every 6-8 weeks. I really resent the implication that just because we adopted our son, his dad wouldn't want to continue to be a part of his life just because he's not biologically related. How insensitive and presumptuous is THAT?)

The worst thing ever is that we get "oh you are such angels to adopt these kids. I could never do that." Most of our children are special needs (2 in wheelchairs, one without an arm, etc.) This gets said in front of my kids. Not one of my children is deaf. I got asked by one of my daughters why it was special that we would adopt them and why those people wouldn't. I wanted to cry. I said well we get to be angels because you are our blessings and give us angel wings and that woman just isn't lucky enough to get to adopt you. I don't know if it helped or not as I could tell this bugged her and the problem is this type of crap happens a lot. I don't like it and don't know what to do about it. I am sure people mean well but the fact is that they don't know my kids and the fact that they are a heck of a lot more than their outward disabilities. We are the lucky ones to have them not the other way around.

I've heard the strange comments from both sides. My brother was adopted and my mom got sooo tired of explaining why he didn't look like the rest of us she just started telling people he was the mailman's son! I gave up my daughter for adoption at birth and met her again when she was 21. We have a good relationship and we spend a lot of time together but people do ask stupid questions like do I trust her around my husband and her half-brother and who do I love more. I try to tell myself they're just curious.

I dated this guy once who, in the middle of one of our epic fights, told me the reason I was so upset about something was because "you were a throwaway baby. Your real parents didn't want you."

I threw the phone against the wall so hard it broke (just the phone, not the wall....although it did get dented....). I think the saddest part is that I kept dating him after that. :-P

Also, not necessarily rude, but always gag-inducing, were the comments about how I could date my brothers because I was adopted, so they weren't really my brothers.

Gross. They -are- my brothers and I don't even understand why other women date them half the time, let alone considering dating them myself.

Other questions, like "do you know your real parents" or "why were you adopted", while it is true that they are rude and that it is none of those people's business, I don't really mind much if they are asked out of curiosity or if the person just doesn't know better. I don't mind answering them and I don't mind educating them about why those aren't really the most polite of questions or how they may want to phrase them differently in the future. If someone is just curious or really doesn't know better, I think it is kind of a waste of time to get upset about it.

I was what I often refer to as "semi-abandoned". My mother left me with social services when I was 6 months old.

I was telling a girl I knew about my adoption and I said,"...and so she left me with social services".

Her immediate reply was "Why what did you do?"

I thought I'd misheard but I hadn't.

It annoyed me so much.

I was a 6 month old baby, I didn't do anything. It's not like I was defective and she was wanting a refund.

It's just such a stupid thing to say to something who's been adopted. It's like telling them than there must have been something wrong with them.

Because I'm black and live in Ireland, and because of the era I was given up in, I get a lot of older people asking me "Do you think it was because you're black?" as a reason for my adoption. It annoys me, what do they want me to say.

The worst was one woman who asked me about my father. My mother is white and my father was black but I don't know much about him and didn't know anything at the time (I was 14). She asked me "Do you think he forced himself on her?". I was upset and said no. She then put her arm round me and said "Don't worry he must have I'm sure your mother wasn't the sort of girl who'd go with their type". She was actually trying to reassure me that my mother was raped because no good white woman would go near a black man. That's by far the rudest thing anyone's said to be my whole life.

This one really bothered me. Few of these people know that I'm adopted.

At a wake of a girl who was 1 of 4 and the only bio. I was in shock how many people said to me.

So sad. You know she was their only real daughter.

I've gotten variations on those you've mentioned, none of which were very comfortable to hear, or to try to answer.

The rudest of all was when I had mentioned that my First Mother already had two sons when I was born. The person I was speaking with said "Why did she give you up then? Maybe she saw you when you were born and decided she didn't want you."

The second rudest was during a different conversation with another person, in which we were speaking about me being born addicted to heroin. I forget what words they used so I won't quote them, but it was along the lines of me being destined to be a drug addict since it was "in my blood more ways than one" (that part, I remember).

Sadly, I would have to say the third rudest came from/continues to come from my own Mom. I'm part asian, and my APs are full caucasian. They downplay the fact that I'm part asian whenever it comes up - "oh, you're just a little bit, you can't even tell" (you most certainly can); "well, you don't have anything to do with that"; "now, what difference does that make?"; and so on. I have so little to grasp onto about myself, and one of the 2 or 3 things I know of myself, they try to erase. So yeah, that's pretty rude if you ask me :(

Ppl often ask me if the reason my daughter was "adopted out" because her mom was an addict. Her n-mother was not an addict by the way, also I had a women ask me IN FRONT OF MY DAUGHTER if I didnt have to pay as much to the agency since my daughter is black. I hit the roof at that question.