I noticed in answers to another question that the argument of who the real parents are is surfacing again. Probably because we have new members here. So I am asking for some others who understand my question to please once again explain who your parents are and why you feel they are real to you.
I am my daughters mother, she was raised by her mom, we are BOTH very real to her. I don't know how her mom feels, but I feel that each of us has a unique and different relationship with "our" daughter. Yes she raised her, stayed up with her, slapped band aids on her, but without me and her father there would have been no special little rachael to slap band aids on.
So can we have yet one more discussion on who the real parents are for the sake of the newcomers?
2009-05-26T12:00:31Z
ETA: PeaPod: No offense was intended by my wording on the band aid situation. i just didn't want to get into that particular part of the discussion again. It was meant to minimize the arguement NOT the parent who performs the action. LOL obviously it didn't work, sorry to offend.
June Cleaver Would Be Appalled2009-05-26T13:12:11Z
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I have three REAL parents. My two adoptive dads first and foremost, I feel are my "real" parents.
My biological father is a good friend. I can't say I feel like he's my parent, but I do think of him as a "real parent." If that makes any sense... it's like I don't put him in the same category as my adoptive parent's, but I don't... not think he's my parent, either. Kind of in between. That doesn't mean he's not an important person to me or that I don't love him, but he wasn't involved in my childhood - through no fault of his own - and he quite simply wasn't my parent. He would have been a great dad to me if given the chance, but that wasn't how things shook out.
The only person who I do not, did not, and will never consider to be a "real parent" in any sense was my mother. I lived with her until I was 11, but to me, the term "parent" implies a genuine concern, love for, and caring about one's offspring, whether you live with them or not or are the primary parent in their life or not. Given that that is MY definition a parent, no, she was not. Honestly, I know this won't sit right with most people here, but I don't feel she deserves that recognition from me in calling her a parent. She contributed to my DNA, yes; I lived with her, yes; but emotionally, she was never a parent and I was never her child except on paper and biologically.
As for my adopted daughters, who are biologically my nieces, I really don't know what they think about that. They do refer to me as mommy (or variations of such), and I do know that's how they think of me, but my husband's place as well as my sister's (their biological mom) is still unclear. On both accounts, it's up for them to decide. We've taken the stance to let them sort it out on their own as they get older, not force or push any way of thinking, and we'll just have to adapt. They've both stubbornly refused to refer to my sister as their mom (the younger sister probably less out of intentional distinction and more out of following her sister), have since before I was involved in the situation, and even though when we talk about her, my eldest does not seem resentful, she none-the-less refers to her biological mother as "Michelle." They do have great love for their nana, a neighbour/babysitter who cared for them in their early life, and almost certainly consider her more in the realm of a parent than my sister and hold her in a very high regard, as do I.
I dunno, whatever they decide about it as they grow up is okay and we'll deal with it as it comes. That's the policy my parents took with me, and I figured things out on my own; I'm glad they gave me that chance and didn't force anyone (themselves included) into a role or force me to call them any specific thing, so that's what I'm doing with my own daughters.
I have no problem with the word birthparents, biological parents, that’s what I general use. I have even started using eggdonor/spermdonor. Terms I dislike is real parent, IMO a persons real parents are the ones that takes care of them, teaches them right from wrong etc. Probably natural as well which I didn’t use to mind but now that I think about it, that’s kind of calling my parents un natural which they aren’t. First parent/family – I can understand it if the child ever lived with their biological mother[outside the womb] / father , other relatives. Say someone adopts a 5 year old, whose bio mother for whatever reason placed them for adoption. For someone who is adopted straight at birth. IMO the biological family was never really the child's family or parents. Yes some will say they lived in the womb, but to me 9months in utero is nothing compared to the rest of someone’s life. I lived in my biomother for 8 1/2 months, but its my parents who have always been there for me since I was 3 weeks old, even at 24 ½ they are still there for me and supportive. Nearly 25 years means more then 8 small months, to me at least. When it comes down to it I think it’s what the adoptee is comfortable with.
For me it depends on the age of the child when they are adopted. If a child is still young, baby - 3 yrs old, then the adoptive mother is more of a "real" parent than the birth parent. Yes, without the bmom there would be no baby, but without the amom baby would have no parents/no love/no stability/no chance.
If a child is 4+ they have memories of their bmom. They know there was another woman and that something happened. They also know that the amom is the one caring for them, loving them, helping them through the scary/confusing/loss and giving them a new family/mom. Therefore there are 2 parents. The child knows there was a bmom that cared for them for awhile (sometimes 8, 10, 15 yrs) and that something happened. Older children understand more about the why's and what's than a younger child also. So they understand that bmom is gone forever and that a new family is needed. They know there will be a new mom that will love them, care for them, and keep them forever as their own child. There are 2 parents. One set that couldn't care for their child forever, and a new set that will pick up where the first set left off and try to better the childs life and help them move on.
So, if a child is young and adopted then there is only one real set of parents (until they are older and told they are adopted then they may decide to look for their b-parents) to them.
If a child is older, they know they have one mom that can't take care of them and another that is taking care of them. The second set ends up being more real but can never truly take the place of the first set due to the time that was spent with them.
I have 4 parents. Two of them are biological and two are adoptive. Each of them are important to me and have had a difffernt role in my life. Without all four of them I would not be the person I am today.
As an angry teen wanting info about my first mother, I refered to her as my real mother. I had no idea how much this hurt my adoptive mother. I am glad that before my adoptive mother passed away we got all of that worked out.
My adoptive daughter has 3 parents. Two mothers (myself and her biological mother) and my husband who is her biological father.
Boy, I guess this just goes to show how everyone's perspectives are colored by their (our) personal experiences.
I agree with most posters that both biological/first/natural parents and adoptive parents are both "real" and that's what I'm teaching my children.
However, what I don't understand in the previous answers is why everyone seems to think that it's the biological/first/natural parents who are being "shut out." From where I sit, it appears to be the adoptive parents who don't qualify as real most of the time.
I have been asked about my children's "real mothers" several times. I can't imagine anyone asking a biological/first/natural parent if they know their child's "real mother." And most of the questions on here that involve "real parents" are referring to biological/first/natural parents. Some resolved questions: • What is the "age" when children figure out who their real parents are? • How can someone who is adopted find out who their real parents are? • All adopted children should be informed who their real parents are. Agree or disagree and why? • Is there anyone else who could care less who their real parents are? • APS-If you died would you give your adopted kid to their real parents or more of your relatives? There are hundreds of questions like these -- I only looked through the first 5 pages, but I didn't find a single one that was referring to adoptive parents as "the real parents." The boo-boo kissing argument is usually only brought up *after* someone has already labeled biological/first/natural parents as "the real parents."
And I would guess that most of the people who respond with the boo-boo kissing argument are not actual adoptive parents anyway. Just in the same way that I think most people who post "I would never abort. I would definitely choose adoption" probably would never choose abortion *or* adoption. In both cases, they are people who don't understand the complexities of any of it.