birth-parent, first-parent, biological parent, natural parent, real parent etc?

Great question! And very loving of you to consider how your daughter might feel about this (sometimes) touchy topic.

As you can see from the many different answers, it's a difficult choice! Back when I did my search (1983), it was politically incorrect to use the terms "natural" or "real" because either one implied that the OTHER parents where "unnatural" or "unreal".

However, PC has changed in the last 25 years, and as you can see, some people don't like the terms "birth" or "biological" in reference to first families. Believe it or not, this aspect is all new to ME, too! And I feel as if I'm learning all over again.

I have, for the past 25 years, referred to my "birth" mother or "birth" dad, or "bio-dad" and/or "bio-sibs". I certainly don't want to offend my fellow adoptees in this forum, whom I admire & respect. I'm learning to use the terms "natural" and "adoptive" when I need to clarify relationships. I do like the term "first" family.

Interestingly enough, in another question on Y!A, almost all adoptees responded that their adoptive parents are their "real" parents, since they were the ones who raised us. I had always held that sentiment, and was amazed to find so many others shared my feelings on that topic.

However, that's more an answer for the adoptee to offer. Adoptive parents can unintentionally sound a bit defensive when they claim they are the child's "real" parents.

When talking to your child, you can refer to her first mom simply as "your other mom". Just a thought. Between the two of you, she'll know who you mean.

Good luck to you and your family!

I have no problem with the word birthparents, biological parents, that’s what I general use. I have even started using eggdonor/spermdonor.

Terms I dislike is real parent, IMO a persons real parents are the ones that takes care of them, teaches them right from wrong etc. Probably natural as well which I didn’t use to mind but now that I think about it, that’s kind of calling my parents un natural which they aren’t.

First parent/family – I can understand it if the child ever lived with their biological mother[outside the womb] / father , other relatives. Say someone adopts a 5 year old, whose bio mother for whatever reason placed them for adoption. For someone who is adopted straight at birth. IMO the biological family was never really the child's family or parents. Yes some will say they lived in the womb, but to me 9months in utero is nothing compared to the rest of someone’s life. I lived in my biomother for 8 1/2 months, but its my parents who have always been there for me since I was 3 weeks old, even at 24 ½ they are still there for me and supportive. Nearly 25 years means more then 8 small months, to me at least.

When it comes down to it I think it’s what the adoptee is comfortable with.

I like the term birth-parent.. thats what I did, give birth. The adoptive agency I went through used that term and it works for me. I chose an open adoption and it is still open. They use my first name if I come to visit. The child I gave up will always be a part of me no matter who raises him or whos genes he has.

I dont like first, natural or real because it sounds like youre under-minding the adoptive parents. First maybe if the child/ren got taken away from them.

I would only use biological if you didnt know the birth parents.

I think it is very sweet what you are doing.. you are open minded and it will in the benefit your daughter. I think fate made you and your spouse your daughers real parents, in my mind.

I gave birth in 1972 and have always referred to my self as her birthmom, since I gave birth to her, I am not up on the new terminology, Biological sounds like test tube baby, real parent sounds like a term for the adoptive mom, since she really is parenting. I was not the first to parent her. Natural, I don't know about that one.

Just my opinion

Karen, Im an adult adoptee, not an adoptive parent. Im 42 and just last year I was discussing the whole birth certificate thing with my adoptive mother......I was absolutely gobsmacked when she was quite clearly stunned to hear that my birth certificate said she gave birth to me.......adoptive parents have absolutely no say in what is printed on the revised birth certificate, none at all. If you want to bring change in this area you need to lobby your politicians as they are the only ones who can change the current laws that obliterate an adoptees birth identity. While your lobbying, lobby also for ALL original birth documents to be made available to adoptees when they are 18. Here in Australia as well as in the UK and New Zealand we have had the right to our OBC's at 18 for nearly 20 years. Only consistent pressure on authorities will bring about the same changes in the US.

I like natural. Biological sounds a bit cold and distant to me. Birth sounds like their only contribution to me was strictly utilitarian. But, since my natural parents contributed to who I am as a person, I'd like it to be something that sounds not only scientifically correct (via nature,) but something that personal. First parent is fine, too. Real doesn't work because in different ways, they are all my real parents.

My husband, not an adoptee and not familiar with adoption until he married me, has a very hard time wrapping his head around calling anyone not actually someone's blood mother and father their "real parents." So, he always calls natural parents real parents and adoptive parents either adoptive parents or step parents. For him, it has absolutely nothing to do with the relationship, work and contributions either set gave/gives to the child, it is strictly about what makes natural sense to him. He certainly does not mean it in any negative sort of way.

It depends on who I am talking to.

When I'm speaking to family, I use her first name, unless it's my son, in which case she's "Mamma".

When I'm speaking to others knowledgeable about adoption, she's "my son's mom"

When I'm describing our relationship to outsiders, I will use "birthmother", because it is the most common term these days.

I hate the term "real" parent/ child, and always have... none of us are imaginary.

When I was growing up, my birth parents were simply not discussed. ever, and my parents never referred to me as their "adopted" daughter.

I keep alternating between first family and natural family. I'm not sure if I have a preference between them, though I wouldn't want the implication of "natural" that I have unnatural parents. "First" seems safely descriptive to me. It's just what the situation is.

I used to use either "biological" or "birth" but those have odd implications to me. (Sunny summarized nicely the problem with "biological" for me.) "Birth" suggests that my first mom simply gave birth to me and then has nothing more to do with it, as though I didn't carry her genes, and that I don't have some connection with her even now. (There are other issues, too.)

"Real" has always bothered me. Who are my "real" parents? I have, at least, four real parents. I'm not going to decide only some of them are real.

I don't know if this is helpful, but for me, either "first" or "natural" seem to be the best choices, in my opinion.

I don't like real or first parents, I feel it would diminish the relationship we will have. I suppose my situation is different as the children are already abandoned and in foster care. I suppose we will give it more and decide closer to the date.

Good for you to think about it before hand.

Birth parent and real parent. In Islam we don't allow surrogacy at all and we consider the woman who gives birth to the child it's mother. Children are also to keep their last names as part of their identity and their names aren't changed in Islam. We also are required to tell the child it is adopted at the age of 7 years old so it doesn't grow up living a lie.