Why do the saddest anniversaries have such impact on our lives.?
Today is a hard day for me. Thirty years ago today I opened my front door to the wrong person. I had seen this man around because he lived across the street. When he asked to come in and use my phone, the fact that my husband was not home didn't seem relevant. He spent over 4 hours beating me and raping me. I remember every minute like it was yesterday. Just when I thought it was over, he reached out to touch my bloody face and I flinched. That pissed him off so he raped me again. I spent the next 14 years drunk and despite having a wonderful loving husband, I sought solace in the arms of men that I hardly knew. Five years after it happened, the only man, that I have ever known who really loved me, walked away. He tried, he truly tried but he just couldn't take it anymore. I have not seen him in over 24 years and I still mourn that loss.
Our wedding anniversary was Feb 1. For many years now I don't even notice until that day has come and gone. We had over 5 years of real happiness. I have never been so happy as I was during those years. But then this piece of crap comes along as devastates my life.
I often wonder what could have been if I had not opened that door. I was only 24 at the time. I was so young and so passionately in love with a really good man who loved me just as much as I loved him.
Three weeks later I found myself pregnant. I didn't know if it was my husband's child or my rapist's. I couldn't bear the thought of not knowing. I couldn't bear the thought of undergoing a pregnancy during such a traumatic time. I had an abortion. I have never regretted that decision and I would do it again. I don't even remember the date of the abortion, not that I want to but it happened immediately after I found out I was pregnant. My husband stood by me and helped me through all the physical and emotional pain that I suffered for months and months. If I could, I would call him right now amd thank him for all his love and understanding. But I can't. I won't put him through it again.
Forgive me for drawing you, many of you strangers who could not care less, into my day of insanity. It has hit me especially hard this year. I am in the latter part of my life now. I wish I could let it all go once and for all.
I remember praying during the attack that God would make it stop. Maybe He did. Maybe He is why I survived. Maybe not. I don't know. Maybe, deep down, it is because of that day that I have never been able to let go of my belief in a Creator.
I apologize again for posting this here. I am home alone and I just want to feel a connection with others right now.
If you have any conscious at all please don't insult me now. Tomorrow I will be myself again. If you want to insult me, please wait until tomorrow.
Thanks for your hugs dear ones.
I can't find forgiveness, of course. He was caught and punished, so I have that 'satisfaction', if you can call it that.