I just found out that my a.mom passed away. We haven't had a relationship in over 12 years following the death of my a.dad, when she "unadopted" me via voice mail. Throughout my life, she was emotionally, verbally & physically abusive. I shed enough tears in my life because of that woman.
So why on earth do I have any tears left now? Since we haven't had a relationship for over a decade, I'm not going to miss her. I didn't miss any opportunity to "mend fences". There were none to mend. I did all I could do in 37 years to get along with her, bond with her, be a good daughter to her. I could never expect to get an apology from her, either.
So, why the tears? Any ideas?
2009-06-16T20:37:10Z
Thanks so much to EVERYONE for your answers. You've all helped me through a difficult day. And helped me grieve a loss I thought I grieved 12 years ago. I sincerely appreciate every answer that I've received.
parenting is an option II2009-06-16T05:10:06Z
Favorite Answer
Because as a good person with a good heart deep down you cared about her. It is something that abused children still do to both of their parents no matter how much they hurt you how bad they made you feel no matter how many failed suicide attempts you made to get away from them you still love them because you are a good person
Shadow She was a Cain Terrier and she was with us 13 year's .She died in my arm's as I listened to her heart beat for the last time .Yes I still cry and I guess I always will . Shadow loved to play on fhe slide's at the park she would climb the latter and go down the slide . Sometimes she came down upside down but she always went again . She loved the baby swings too . She like to play puppy in the middle , hide the puppy . catch and the snow oh my she loved to run her nose into the snow . I know that she is where all good doggies go must be so huge there cause all doggies are good . Just some owners arnt so good . By the way we bought her at a yard sale where she was seperated from the litter and the mother because she was doomed for death they said she was stupid . Cost $ 10.00 but I tell you that was the best value I have ever got out of a 10 spot . My Dad made her a casket and we buried her under a huge evergreen tree .
First of all, I want to tell you how sorry I am that you never had a good relationship with your adopted mom. Even though you did not have a relationship with her, and you did everything you could to "mend the fences" you are most likely grieving the loss of someone that you called "mom" even though that relationship was not healthy. Allow yourself to grieve, no matter the reason, it is healthy for you. You could be grieving the loss of not having a relationship as well. however, don't feel guilty at all, it seems like you did everything that you could to restore that relationship.
Maybe you're crying over the idea of losing a "mom-like" person. Since you haven't said if you have a relationship with your biological mother, maybe you're upset that your adopted mom was all the mom you had and you're mourning the loss of the possible potential and/or hope you had for a good relationship with your adopted mom. On the contrary, It could also be a cry of relief that the person who was abusive to you is now gone to never cause you such personal pain. Either way, you know you tried to be a good daughter and be happy with that.
Even though she was not your biological mother, she had the role of mother in your life. We want/need certain things from our mothers...even if we never get them.
She's dead now, and it is totally normal to grieve for what never was. People do it all the time...so go ahead. You'd be doing the same thing if she was your biological parent. This happens in biological relationships all the time too.
You may be crying for yourself as a child, you may be just having a physical response to an emotional upset....the loss of a parent, even a bad one, is traumatic at any age.
It is frustrating that after all your work she still in a sense had the last word..and that isn't petty...
What you need to try and remember is to not fall into the dead=saint trap. I'm not saying bask in what a bad mother she was to you, but remember that just because she's dead, doesn't make what she did to you less real, less valid...or your fault now that she is dead.
Do not allow this woman to manipulate you from the grave...be sad, do what you need to do.