Do you think it makes some sense that those who promote adoption are answering out of fear?
It seems there is a repeat of circumstances where somebody who advocates the greatness of adoption and is so supportive of how great it is for adoptees and praise women for their selfless, brave decision, changes their tune as soon as first/natural moms or adoptees speak out about how adoption has hurt them.
When that happens they then sling around words like bitter and angry. Accuse us of being negative or trying to keep children in unfit situations and not caring about them to take care of our own "agenda."
It is such a contrast that I wonder if it seems possible that fear is behind their answers when the response is not in the same line of the "happy" picture of adoption they believe. Are they answering that way because they are afraid they, themselves, or their child or their child's first/natural mom might feel, or sometimes feel the same.
I know, before reuniting with my son, that it terrified me when I read about adoptees who were angry with their first/natural moms or didn't want to have anything to do with them and my first instinct was to try and deny that my son might feel that way.
So now I'm curious if that is part of the reason why those who are speaking out about the other side of adoption are so often labelled and disregarded as having nothing important to say.
JennaBear2009-06-29T15:39:24Z
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I do think fear plays a huge part of it.
For example, I was raised in a fundamentalist dinosaurs-are-the-work-of-the-devil creationist house and so whenever I encountered anything remotely to do with evolution...even if it made sense...I completely wrote it off, called people idiots, whatever it took to keep me from really having to examine the facts and to really examine what I "believed" (or was taught to believe). Stretching my mind to include more than the little bit I was taught was HARD...so hard...I risked being ostracized by my family and friends who didn't understand why I didn't see the world the same way they did.
I think it's similar in adoption. If adoption is believed to be the best thing ever, then when we encounter a different story, we either have to expand our awareness/thinking/hearts to be able to include the new information, or we have to shut it down and lock it out because it threatens our very schema.
Some people have a good experience with adoption, and some don't. Some children want to seek out their birth parents, and some never give it a thought. People are different like that, and you can't expect someone else's viewpoint to be the same as yours.
I think everyone agrees that whenever possible, it's better for a child to be raised by both his/her natural parents. But that's simply not always realistic. Parents die, or they abandon their children on street corners, or they're mentally ill, or abusive, or they have so many personal problems that they just can't cope, or a hundred other things. At times like that, if someone else will step in and love that child as their own, then that's a beautiful thing.
On the other hand, there are also times when teenagers especially are pressured into giving up their babies when they really don't want to, and that's one of the cruellest things I know of, even when the intentions are good.
You should also remember that not all adoptions involve babies. Some involve older kids or even teens, who are capable of having some say in what happens in their life and how they feel about it. I adopted a ten year old boy many years ago (he's 22 now), and he and I are as close as it's possible for a father and son to ever be. He's my best friend and the light of my life, and always will be. But our relationship turned out that way only because I never tried to take anything away from him, you see. . . I understood the difference between loving someone and just wanting to own them. I never forbade him to have contact with his family if he wanted to, I always supported him when he messed up, and I didn't expect him to be perfect. And if you love someone, then love is usually the reward you get in return. That's what adoption ought to be. . . something you do for the child's sake, and not simply to please yourself.
Maybe that's expecting too much, but it's what I think anyway.
I don't think all of them speak out of fear. Every adoptive family has different experiences. Some good, some bad. It's not fair for anyone to label anyone or disregard the other's opinion or story. No one can speak for anyone but themselves. I think that there are people on this site who are against adoption of any kind. And that is just not practical. There are children in the world with NO parents. They are orphans. So its either adoption into a family life, or institutionalization. Which is better? It's a sad reality. But to say ALL adoption is bad, or ALL adoption is good, is painting everything with the same brush. And that's not fair.
well, i guess i fall into the category of "happy" adoptee, though I'm hoping that your post is not directed at me (as I can think of a few other people on here who would fall into the "happy" category that don't act very compassionately toward others).
I have no problems with *my own* adoption and have no desire currently to meet my biological family. I *personally* do not feel a sense of loss, pain, etc.
Now, while *I* do not feel/experience these things, I would *never* tell anyone that their feelings are invalid or that "I'm right and you're wrong" because they don't think how I do.
I feel like sometimes *my* opinions on here are dismissed as me being "in denial" or I was "brainwashed." I think neither side of adoption is more right than the other side (except that it is absolute fact that some adoption industries are corrupt).
In my opinion, it is great for everyone on here to share opinions with one another. It is when it turns to attacks (i.e. "You must have been brainwashed to think that" or "You're just bitter for thinking that.") that people begin to become defensive and spew things without thinking (that's how I am sometimes lol)
ETA: However, I am aware of some people on here who I think *don't* want to acknowledge another side to adoption than what they see (whether they be on the "happy" adoption side or on the "not so happy" side).
Many of them are answering out of fear but I also think a large percentage of these people are just in total denial. They cannot imagine any other way to describe someone who describes a negative adoption other than bitter and angry. It's as if the mothers and adoptees who complain here about the pain of our experience - should be keeping our mouths shut - seen but not heard.