Since there seems to be new or new multiple accounts in the adoption section talking about how surrendering a child should have no affect on you as a mother who signed away your rights, I am wondering if its not time to explain once again how impossible that is?
Just because I signed away my rights to my daughter doesn't mean I didn't care or worry about her. It doesn't mean I didn't love her, it doesn't mean I can forget carrying her for 9 months and all the motherly things that went along with it. I never forgot labor and delivery, I never forgot her face, skin tone, eyes, hair, birth weight, or her father.
I "WAS" told to go home and forget it ever happened by an agency that had no more concern or respect for me other than getting my signature on paper. Yes I signed them, Yes I knew what I was doing, yes I thought it was the best decision at the time, still do. BUT there is no way I could "move on" and forget it ever happened. There is no way I could forget about my daughter.
A piece of paper is just that, a piece of paper. It may show ownership, or guardianship, but it has nothing to do with real life emotions and attachments.
Anyone else care to explain why it isn't feasibly possible to move on and just forget?
2009-07-03T07:13:12Z
BIRTHERS, you and I have gone round before, what about missing and caring about a child constitutes whining? I never whined about my decision. I hurt, I suffered, but I didn't whine. My point is that signing those papers does not end worry or concern. If my child was being used as a punching bag by her adoptive parents and I knew it, should I not care about that because I signed papers that to some means I don't care? and it didn't have anything to do with not "wanting" to parents her. Most mothers "do want to parent" they just couldn't or don't believe they can depending on the time frame of the adoption.
2009-07-04T04:51:18Z
ANNIE: I understand her feeling it would be too hard to talk every day. Even though I loved my daughter deeply, and wanted to be with her more than anything, where I had to physically take her to be with her was the reason I let her go. My home was toxic, and I had no place else. I have often wondered which would be harder an opened or closed adoption. I don't know that I could see my daughter being raised by some one else. I have no idea what you can do to make that better, except accept it even though you don't understand it. There may come a day when she is strong enough to come back around and be inneractive with her child. For now it's probably taking every bit of strength and restraint just to get used to being who she is. And that feeling is never one of empowerment, but more of failure. I don't know her story, but I'm probably not too far off.
?2009-07-03T07:14:33Z
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Lori, Save your breath and your typing fingers. The old axiom, "There's none so blind as they that will not see" comes to mind in this context. They don't want it to be true so they will argue you into the ground. Why waste your breath? Why give yourself a headache?
I get tired of laying myself open for people who clearly get their yaya's off of the pain of others, or are so totally heads-up-a@@es types that they cannot recognize the reality of what you are saying because they just don't want to have their butterflies and unicorns vision disturbed by something as gritty as the reality of a mother's grief. I try not to feed them any more than I have to, either their perversions or their fantasies.
Hopefully, there are rational people with whom the truth resonates, and who recognize the simple logic in what we say. Of course mothers don't forget. Naturally, the mother feels loss and despair. Certainly, most women are not crackwhores or ne'er do wells. Most assuredly, the woman who is young/resourceless/powerless today will be older, more assured, more in charge in a year or so, but if she surrenders will be without her child forever.
Most people feel a little icky about adoption, I really think, and if they allow themselves to consider it at all, only permit the Industry Standard Model to enter their stream of consciousness. To go into it too deeply is disturbing for the average person, I think, because they know, deep down, that they could have been there, they could have lost a child, they know that the girls aren't HO's or crackheads, for the most part, but young women they 'know' on some level. They also know that there is absolute truth in the fact that behind every single picture of a happy couple with their newly adopted infant there is a mother who is left to grieve for the child she lost, and it is often for reasons that are not valid or just, but they are what the industry hypes. They know that if they think too deeply about it, they will feel icky, and they WANT it to be the Win/Win/Win that they have been told it is by the people who benefit from it, the industry and the AP's. It is too uncomfortable to 'hear' the mothers, so they must be shut up at all costs. Can't you just see them with their hands over their ears saying "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, I CAN'T LISTEN TO THIS!!"
Jesus said, "...that which is born of the Spirit is spirit" (John 3:6). And the Apostle Paul writes: 1 Corinthians 15:42-50 -- So also is the resurrection of the dead. The body is sown in corruption, it is raised in incorruption. It is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory. It is sown in weakness, it is raised in power. It is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body. There is a natural body, and there is a spiritual body. And so it is written, "The first man Adam became a living being." The last Adam became a life-giving spirit. However, the spiritual is not first, but the natural, and afterward the spiritual. The first man was of the earth, made of dust; the second Man is the Lord from heaven. As was the man of dust, so also are those who are made of dust; and as is the heavenly Man, so also are those who are heavenly. And as we have borne the image of the man of dust, we shall also bear the image of the heavenly Man. Now this I say, brethren, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God; nor does corruption inherit incorruption. Therefore, what it takes to experience spiritual birth is living a Godly life -- doing the will of God (keep the Commandments, do good works) -- overcoming sin and temptation, until death or the return of Jesus. No one will be born again in the spirit until the return of Jesus. The only one who has experienced spiritual birth thus far is Jesus Christ. .
Feelings are neither bad nor good. They are simply indicators of how we are coping with events in our lives. The only thing that is good or bad is how we ACT on those feelings. If your actions are productive ones that lead you to learning and growing from the situation, then you have done well. You can use your experience to help others who may be in similar situations.
You made a hard decision to keep your child safe since you couldn't move out of your toxic situation. No matter what anyone tells you, you won't forget it, but the pain and sadness will slowly fade.
Counseling or joining a support group can help you through this. cw
"Yes I knew what I was doing, yes I thought it was the best decision at the time, still do." maybe you can explain this to me? my friend, the first mother of the child we are currently adopting, is feeling this way, it seems. i want to help her but it is not something i understand. because of some paper work mishaps she could take baby back anytime she wants. everyone tells her this but she says its not what she wants for her or baby. we used to talk everyday, now she finds it to hard. if the adoptive mother could have done something to help what would it be? anything?
When was the last time you were pregnant and surrendered a child for adoption? How is it you think you 'know-it-all' in regards to a woman who has been pregnant, labored and delivered, then surrendered? You can't possibly, ever, ever , ever know.
Now if you want to talk about your own adoption experience as a person who was adopted...fine...you should...as you have lived it, felt it and evidently are still trying to deal with it. I cannot define nor feel your experience....nor can you as a man...define nor feel that which is exclusively belonging to a woman...that of being pregnant, carrying a child and parting from that same child, for whatever reason.
Truly your anger surpasses any burfmuggle here, for that matter any other adoptee (save possibly O-Ollie)...and you are the only one that can determine how you will resolve your immense anger towards natural mothers that have surrendered children for adoption. Constantly attacking natural mothers in general...is not going to help you in the long run. But have it, if you must...maybe one day you won't be so angry at your own mother for surrendering you.
Yet, always remember...the natural mothers here gave birth to their OWN children....not you nor the entire population of adopted people!