Is it time to explain it again?

Lori,

Save your breath and your typing fingers. The old axiom, "There's none so blind as they that will not see" comes to mind in this context. They don't want it to be true so they will argue you into the ground. Why waste your breath? Why give yourself a headache?

I get tired of laying myself open for people who clearly get their yaya's off of the pain of others, or are so totally heads-up-a@@es types that they cannot recognize the reality of what you are saying because they just don't want to have their butterflies and unicorns vision disturbed by something as gritty as the reality of a mother's grief. I try not to feed them any more than I have to, either their perversions or their fantasies.

Hopefully, there are rational people with whom the truth resonates, and who recognize the simple logic in what we say. Of course mothers don't forget. Naturally, the mother feels loss and despair. Certainly, most women are not crackwhores or ne'er do wells. Most assuredly, the woman who is young/resourceless/powerless today will be older, more assured, more in charge in a year or so, but if she surrenders will be without her child forever.

Most people feel a little icky about adoption, I really think, and if they allow themselves to consider it at all, only permit the Industry Standard Model to enter their stream of consciousness. To go into it too deeply is disturbing for the average person, I think, because they know, deep down, that they could have been there, they could have lost a child, they know that the girls aren't HO's or crackheads, for the most part, but young women they 'know' on some level. They also know that there is absolute truth in the fact that behind every single picture of a happy couple with their newly adopted infant there is a mother who is left to grieve for the child she lost, and it is often for reasons that are not valid or just, but they are what the industry hypes. They know that if they think too deeply about it, they will feel icky, and they WANT it to be the Win/Win/Win that they have been told it is by the people who benefit from it, the industry and the AP's. It is too uncomfortable to 'hear' the mothers, so they must be shut up at all costs. Can't you just see them with their hands over their ears saying "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, I CAN'T LISTEN TO THIS!!"

Jesus said, "...that which is born of the Spirit is spirit" (John 3:6). And the Apostle Paul writes: 1 Corinthians 15:42-50 -- So also is the resurrection of the dead. The body is sown in corruption, it is raised in incorruption. It is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory. It is sown in weakness, it is raised in power. It is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body. There is a natural body, and there is a spiritual body. And so it is written, "The first man Adam became a living being." The last Adam became a life-giving spirit. However, the spiritual is not first, but the natural, and afterward the spiritual. The first man was of the earth, made of dust; the second Man is the Lord from heaven. As was the man of dust, so also are those who are made of dust; and as is the heavenly Man, so also are those who are heavenly. And as we have borne the image of the man of dust, we shall also bear the image of the heavenly Man. Now this I say, brethren, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God; nor does corruption inherit incorruption. Therefore, what it takes to experience spiritual birth is living a Godly life -- doing the will of God (keep the Commandments, do good works) -- overcoming sin and temptation, until death or the return of Jesus. No one will be born again in the spirit until the return of Jesus. The only one who has experienced spiritual birth thus far is Jesus Christ. .

Feelings are neither bad nor good. They are simply indicators of how we are coping with events in our lives. The only thing that is good or bad is how we ACT on those feelings. If your actions are productive ones that lead you to learning and growing from the situation, then you have done well. You can use your experience to help others who may be in similar situations.

You made a hard decision to keep your child safe since you couldn't move out of your toxic situation. No matter what anyone tells you, you won't forget it, but the pain and sadness will slowly fade.

Counseling or joining a support group can help you through this.

cw

"Yes I knew what I was doing, yes I thought it was the best decision at the time, still do."

maybe you can explain this to me? my friend, the first mother of the child we are currently adopting, is feeling this way, it seems. i want to help her but it is not something i understand. because of some paper work mishaps she could take baby back anytime she wants. everyone tells her this but she says its not what she wants for her or baby. we used to talk everyday, now she finds it to hard. if the adoptive mother could have done something to help what would it be? anything?

typing with only my left hand

To BirtherMan...

When was the last time you were pregnant and surrendered a child for adoption? How is it you think you 'know-it-all' in regards to a woman who has been pregnant, labored and delivered, then surrendered? You can't possibly, ever, ever , ever know.

Now if you want to talk about your own adoption experience as a person who was adopted...fine...you should...as you have lived it, felt it and evidently are still trying to deal with it. I cannot define nor feel your experience....nor can you as a man...define nor feel that which is exclusively belonging to a woman...that of being pregnant, carrying a child and parting from that same child, for whatever reason.

Truly your anger surpasses any burfmuggle here, for that matter any other adoptee (save possibly O-Ollie)...and you are the only one that can determine how you will resolve your immense anger towards natural mothers that have surrendered children for adoption. Constantly attacking natural mothers in general...is not going to help you in the long run. But have it, if you must...maybe one day you won't be so angry at your own mother for surrendering you.

Yet, always remember...the natural mothers here gave birth to their OWN children....not you nor the entire population of adopted people!

I am sorry that you feel so badly.

I totally understand your feeling, and I do agree that signed a paper doesn't really ended what had happened in that 9 months. we're human. many people treated this process like a machine way. they just process it emotionless, like making burgers in McDonald.

I totally disagree with some people who think and treat the birth mom like BAD person. every single birth mom has her own story, yes, some made stupid decision I admit.

I've adopted a child myself and I not going to stop my kid know her background and birth parents (unfortunately, it's an unknown). adopting a child is not "owning" him/her, it's like raising a kid by 2 families that at the best interest by the kid. but never role out the importance of the birth parents.

if you're the birth mom of my adopted kid, I no doubt will let you visit her at anytime, there is no restriction (why need it?). remember, the kid is just raised by 2 families, same important.

A mother who carries a child for 9 months and gives birth always has feelings for that child. Sometimes they aren't the best preson to raise their child and they know that, but the love is always the same.

My first mom had a lifestyle that was not for raising kids. For whatever reason she was unable to change that lifestyle, so she gave my brother and I up. She always loved us and to this day, regrets that she was not able to parent us. I have seen her pain when she cried talking about how I came to be adopted.

My own adopted daughter's first mom loves her very much. She is in a really bad situation right now. She snuck in a phone call last night asking how our daughter was, and her husband caught her and before she hung up, all I heard was him cussing her and screaming about "calling those people" and "told you to forget that d*mn kid"

I know she had to deal with all kinds of crap from him when she hung up, but still she called, just for a 5 minute update on her child.

I have yet to meet a woman who had a child and walked away not caring what happened to that child.

Of course if you put your baby up for adoption you will always love him or her and will always worry and miss him or her. Of course you have every right to say how much you miss and as much as you want.

What is disturbing is hearing all the first moms talking about searching down the children. They have made a decision and relinquished their rights and unless it is an open adoption they really don't have the right to do that. The adoptive parents I am sure try to handle things with their child as easy as they can so that their child retains as little as possible damage from being adopted. If the parents have told their child when and if you want to search I will help you then all of a sudden the first mom just shows up with no respects of how the AP decided to handle it that is just wrong. That is also not putting the child first. Also if the child decide she never wants to meet the first mom that is also up to the child.

I mean it is just the decision that was made and needs to be honored by both sides. I mean of course you are entitled to miss and love your first child as much as you do. You are also entitled to whine if you want too and as much as you want too. I feel for you. I just feel first parents don't have the right to pop back in their life and feel they are the childs parent they are the birth parent not the parent.

It is not possible to forget and no need to "move on" from the feeling. Adopted kids need to know and understand that the birth mother could have had an abortion but did not; was not in a position to take care of the child so she gave up a part of herself so the baby could have a good home. I look with sympathy towards both, the natural mother and the adopted child.

Lori, I quite agree with you. It doesn't matter whether a mother surrenders of her own free will or is coerced how we feel about the child we surrendered is the same.

Documents take away our legal rights but it doesn't take our emotions away or shared dna.