Willow

I have a good friend who asked me a step parent adoption question that I cannot answer, so I will ask here and see if anyone has an answer.

My friend has a 13 yr old daughter who was conceived from a violent, stanger rape. Obviously there is no father on the birth certificate and my friend has no idea who he was, or else he would be in prison.

My friend recently married a great guy who wants to adopt her daughter and her daughter wants to be adopted.

However, what do you do when there is no father to consent due to rape? Any ideas?

Today is my birthday and this morning I called my first mom and we were talking about how she always thought about me on m birthday when I was a kid and how she always hoped I was having a good birthday.

All of my birthdays were good, but I do have one bad birthday memory. I think I was turning 14; maybe 15. We were at my adoptive brother's house and several of the adopted brothers and their wives were there for a big cook out.

I had gone into the house to change togo swimming and one of my adoptive brother's wives followed me in. She said she had heard I had been disrespectful to my adoptive mom and had not been treating her well and that I had been going on about finding "that woman" (meaning my first mom)

She then proceeded to tell me how my first mom was trash and how I should (here it comes....) be so grateful to my adoptve mom and to the whole family for taking me in and giving me such a wonderful life.

First of all who made her the family spokesperson?, I had been in the family longer than she had. I had been adopted for 8 years before she married into it. She had never met my first mom. She had no idea what happened when I was adopted.

Another sister in law came along and took me to another room and told me not to listen to the first one because she was just drunk and talking cr@p. After a good cry, I went back out and tried to enjoy my party, but of course it was ruined.

Now I wonder if perhaps the drunk sister in law wasn't just speaking what the whole family was thinking since as soon as I turned 18, none of them had anything more to do with me.

Since I was pretty much banished from the family and the sister in law who went off on me is still happily married and in the family 20 years later, I wonder since neither of us are related by blood to the family, why she had more right to be considered family? How is this even decided?

So who has more claim on a family an adoptee or an in-law??

One of the big arguments that I have heard for keeping OBC's sealed is to protect the privacy and identity of first moms, especially those during the BSE when pregnancy outside of marriage was considered shameful. But I wonder how many first moms really feel about this.

So for first moms, especially BSE moms, did you want your identity forever hidden from the child you lost to adoption? Did you keep that child's exisitence a secret from your future husband and children (and friends)? How did you feel when you were found, or how would being found make you feel? Also how would or did being found effect your life? Finally as a first mom, how do you feel about unsealing OBCs?

Most of you here know my story. I adopted my step daughter 3 years ago and have made sure to keep her first mom as involved as possible.

Yesterday I got a call that she was unexpectedly in the area and could she see our daughter. I said no problem and even drove an hour to meet her half way. Normally she would come to our house but her FIL had aheart atack and she didn't want to get too far away from the family...

Or so she said. The visit went well and I was glad she got a chance to see our daughter. This morning I got a call from her SIL. She told me that A____ (first mom) had been doing drugs all night the night before and she thought maybe before the visit.

Ok color me stupid, but I do not know all the signs of someone on certain drugs. Plus I sat back and read a book to give them as much privacy as possible...

I called A___ and told her what I had heard and asked her if it was true.....She admitted to using drugs the night before and the morning of the visit.

I am so mad I could scream. How DARE she come around this child w/ drugs in her system. Apparently that was the main reason she didn't want to drive as far...she was high. (tweeked whatever you called it)

My husband says no more visits or contact. Before I have fought him on this, but now I am not so she he isn't right...But then again I do not want to deny my daughter her first mom...

HELP...I need some input

I recently met a lady and we got on the topic of adoption. She told me that her in laws had adopted their son's (her brother in law) baby shortly after her birth. Recently the girl's bio father was killed in action overseas. This child is 6 years old and is upset because her "big brother" died. She has no idea that it was actually her father who died.

This is so much like what happened to me, except that my father died when I was a baby, and I was adopted after the fact. But still I heard stories of my "brother" who had died, never knowing he was my father.

I told this lady my story and that she should talk to her in laws about starting to tell this little girl the truth now. She said that they figure she wil guess the truth because they are older than her friend's parents and she is 20 years younger than their youngest child.

I want to scream. How does this still go on in this day and age? Do people really think that this is ok?

Also does anyone have any ideas of books or websites I can recommend to this lady to pass on to her in laws. She agrees that what is going on is wrong but has no idea how to bring it up them.

My husband's computer constantly reboots itself. Sometimes windows loads up and then it reboots...other times he can get online and then after a few minutes it will reboot. He ran an AVG virus scan and nothing showed up.

Any ideas on what this could be and how to fix it?

There has been a lot of debate on here between the "bitter angry" adoptees and the "happy adoptees"

I recently commented that I was glad that some adoptees were happy and had never had to experience negative feelings.

I then got an e mail from an adoptee who informed me why she was happy to be adopted. Not going into the details of another person's story, but I have to say had I gone thru all she had, I'd be happy to be adopted and would want nothing more to do with my first mom.

So that got me to thinking, what is it that determines if we are happy or angry about our adoption? Is it the circumstances in which we were adopted (i.e newborn adoption v/s adoption from foster care)? Or is it in the way our Aps handle our adoption? Or is it the personailty of the adoptee? Or perhaps the life experiences of the adoptee?

I recently answered a question and apparently I didn't give the sugar coated adoption kool-aid kind of answer the person was looking for and I promtly got an e mail telling me to quit feeling sorry for myself and grow up. This person said they were also adopted and they were so grateful for the life they had with their adoptive parents....

I thought I had gotten past my "angry adoptee" phase....Maybe not.

I am no longer angry at my a parents for the lies they told me and the things that I went thru stemming from my adoption.

But am I still an angry adoptee??

I am as mad as H*ll that I didn't get to grow up with my siblings.

I am ticked off that even tho I have enough Cherokee blood to be a card carrying member of the tribe (my first mom's maiden name is even derived from the name of a reservation) I can't get my card or be recognised because I can't get my original birth certificate.

I hate the fact that it took me so many years and LOTS of therapy to deal with the "insecurities and self esteem issues that was a direct result of being adopted" (and that is my therapists words)

I'm even a little miffed that "adoptee" isn't considere a word according to Y!A's spell police there on the right of this post.

So am I still an angry adoptee??? And if so do ya think I have the right to be??

Most of you here know my situation with my daughter. She was my step daughter and her first mom asked me to adopt her with the understanding that she will always be able to have contact with our daughter. She is as involved as she chooses to be, and I frequently update her mother who lives in another state. Her mother sends gifts and cards to ALL of my kids and considers them ALL to be her grandkids.

A few days ago, I updated a web page I have for keeping people updated on my kids' progress and posting new pix ect. I listed her first mom's mother as "Grandma N______" which is how she wishes to be known to our daughter (and the other kids as well).

Today I got a nasty e mail from my mother in law (who is a harpie from hades anyway). In it she states "How DARE you list that woman as A____'s grandmother. She is NOT her grandmother I AM!!!! She no longer deserves the title of grandmother since her daughter decided to abandon and abuse A____. I absolutely DEMAND that you remove N_____'s name as grandmother and deny her access to the page"

My responce to her was a nice "go f*ck yourself, she is my daughter and I will list anyone I choose as her grandmother and furthermore it is up to ME who has access to the page and as I see it YOU are skating on thin ice, so if you want access shut up and leave me alone" (gotta love in law relationships huh?)

Later I was talking to a good friend of mine and mentioned the hateful e mail from the MIL. She said that while my MIL shouldn't have been so nasty about it, she understands why she feels that way. I asked her what she meant and she said that my daughter's first mom did abuse and neglect her and she can understand why my MIL thinks my daughter would be better off without that family in her life. (keep in mind that N___ has no part of what happened, she has never seen my daughter in person as she lives half way across the country from us)

Is it really so hard for people to get the concept of keeping as much family in a child's life as possible? And even if my daughter's first mom was the worst person in the world (she isn't), why should her mother be punished for what her daughter did?

Has anyone else in an open adoption delt with these attitudes?

Have you found that as a member of the adoption triad, you have been drawn to people that are also members? If so do they tend to be the same as you (i.e. adoptee to adoptee) or to the member you lost (first mom to adoptee) or just any member of the triad?

I have found in my life that I have had many friends who were adoptees, like myself. In fact when I met my ex-husband it was one of the things we bonded over and our first serious conversation was about being adopted.

I'm just curious if others affected be adoption do the same.

Yesterday we had my daughter at Children's Hospital for more testing for her developmental delays. Before you get to the appt, they send you a huge packet with a million forms to fill out so that they can get a complete social and medical history on your child.

Some of the questions when they asked about the mother, I answered using myself as mother because they were questions about how the child relates to the mother and what the mother's perspective on certain issues are.

On the medical questions I used her first mom's info. When I would answer a question about "mother" I would put in parenthesis either "adoptive mother" or "natural mother" (I figured they had never heard the term first mom and natural mother seemed more medical anyway)

Well when they were doing the interview they kept refering to her first mom as "The birthmother" They didn't use "natural mother" as I had or even HER birthmother, it was THE birthmother. It made me feel like they saw her first mom as some sort of birthing thing. I have heard first mom's say that is how the term "birthmother" made them feel but I don't think I truly understood it until yesterday.

Has anyone else delt with this when talking to Drs and how did you handle it? I thought about telling them it was an offensive term, but didn't. Now I wonder if I should. We go back Friday for more testing. SHould I say something to them then?? (my hubby told me to leave it alone)

My adoptive mom tried tokeep my adoption a secret so I heard nothing about my first mom until I was 14. After that I was repeatedly told that my first mom had not wanted or loved me and that she left me because she didn't care about me. I was told she would leave me with anyone just to get away from me.

One family member told me that when my first mom was pregnant with me, she said she wished she could get an abortion (it was 1972 and abortion was illegal).

When I found mt first mom I fould out that all I had been told was a lie. In fact my mother and father had tried from their wedding night on to have a baby and it oook them 3 years to conceive me. My mother even consulted a dr as to why she had been unable to get pregnant.

I grew up feeling prety crappy about myself. I told myself that you have to be pretty bad for your own mother to no care about you and to leave you.

I have heard some people say they were told their first mom loved them so much they gave them up so they could have a better life.

So I am curious, what were other adoptees told about their first mom, and why they were relinquished and how did that make you feel? Did anyone who was adopted not wonder why they were not loved or kept? If so what did your adoptive parents do to make you feel a sense of worth about yourself?

(Im asking because as my adoped daughter gets older, I am at a loss how to tell her the truth of what happened with her first mom without making her feel unloved and unwanted.

My ex husband is also adopted. He was adopted thru Catholic Charities in Illinois. When he reached 18 he was given non-identifying info on his first parents. He wanted to find his first mother but was told it would be $35 an hour for them to look for her (he would not be given any info) and then they would require counseling before they would facilitate the reunion.

He has never had the money for the search, but now he is desperate. He has been having medical problems that could be life threatening. The Drs are still testing him for several things, and some of the possibilities are heriditary and so if he knew he had a family history, those tests would be ran first.

Does anyone know if he can obtain records now that he has a medical reason to have them? If so how does he go about getting them?

I adopted my step daughter a year and a half ago and we have never gotten her amended BC. It's mostly because the idea of getting it makes me feel like a hypocrit. However we need it for her SSI. Social security is demnding we get a copy of her LEGAL BC and like it or not, her legal BC is the amended one.

So how do I go about getting it? I never even bothered to ask when she was adopted.

(oh and I DO have two copies of her original BC; one for her and one for her first mom)

My husband and another man are suing a former employer who told them they had to drive unsafe trucks (trucks would not pass DOT inspection) or be fired. They both decided their lives were worth more than their jobs and left.

They got together and consulted a lawyer who agreed to represent them in a wrongful termination suit for 1/3 of any settlement.

She told them she could guarentee (her word) $1,000 a week lost wages until they obtained new employment. This is about what they were making at the job they were fired from (sometimes they made more with overtime)

The lawyer then moved from the area, but kept their case. She has not kept them informed of progress in the case. Had my husband not called her he would not have known when his deposition was scheduled.

Today she called my husband and said she had sent an offer to settle for $3500. This is considerably less than the $1,000 a week lost wages she said she was sure she could get them before.

My husband called her back and said he would settle for $8,000, which is still less than the original amount, or he would take his chances in court

She said she could withdraw the offer but if she did she would not represent him in court, oh and by the way, the court date is in two days.

So my husband feels like she waited until it was too late to get another lawyer to present him with any kind of settlement offers.

I thought when a lawyer took your case they had to consult you before they made an offer on your behalf and that they had to either see the case through court or give you time to find new counsel.

My question is can she submit an offer without his knowledge or consent and if he refuses the offer can she refuse to represent him in court.?

I am not sure if this matters but we are in the state of Arkansas

Sitting here reading some questions today, got me to wondering what started adoption as we know it today? What was the purpose of adoption then? Was it to find homes for orphaned children or to supply childless couples with babies?

In my last question, I explained the situation with a young pregnant girl that we are helping out. So read that one first if ya need the details..

Having talked to this girl, she is terrified to defy her mother and feels like the baby is more her mother's than hers. She has been told over and over again by her mother that she cannot possibly raise this baby. Her mother has even theatened to use her bipolar against her to have her baby taken away.

My husband and I have told her she can stay here and we will help all we can even after the baby is born. She is still unsure of herself, but wants her baby more than anything.

I know alot of adoption regulars have links to sites that help young moms and encourage them to raise their babies.

Can you al pease share these links and any other pregnancy resourses you may know of so I can share them with her...

A few months ago, I posted about a friend of mine who wanted me to help convince her 18 yr old pregnant daughter to let her adopt the baby.

She thought that I could explain to her daughter that I had been better off with my grandparents and so would her child. She also wanted me to use my adoption of my step daughter as further proof that babies were better off with an older,married couple and not with a young single mom.

I finally told my friend that I was not comfortable getting in the middle of her issues with her daughter. In fact, I was (and still am) appauled at the way she is wanting to take her daughter's baby.

This friend once said that even tho she could no longer have kids, that someday her daughter would have a baby and then she would have another child. (this was when the daughter was 10 yrs old)

My friend has set up a nursery, named the baby, and is putting stuff on her myspace like "Me, Hubby, and baby makes 3". Some of her friends on myspace have asked if she is pregnant and she makes comments like "The baby is due in November"

For those of us who know it is her daughter who is expecting, she has said that her daughter does not want the baby and has said that she wants her parents to take the baby home from the hospital so she can get on a bus and go to a boyfriend (not the baby's dad) in another state.

I have been friends with the mother since high school and have known this girl all her life. She calls me "Aunt Mindi"

A couple of weeks ago, I was in the store and saw the daughter. She and I talked and I gave her my phone number and told her to call if she needed anything.

A few days ago the daughter called and asked if she could come visit with my family and I for a few days. So I went and got her.

As for her living situation, her mother will not let her live at home. (she kicked her out the day she turned 18) This young pregnant girl is couch surfing. At this moment she is liviing with some people she knows.

It is a very bad situation for anyone, much less a pregnant girl. The house is filthy, with cat and dog feces everywhere. The house is infested with fleas, and roaches.

Also the family she lives with smokes and the girl has asked them not to smoke around her but they do anyway. She has to sleep on the couch and can only sleep when the family is in bed (due to the schedule they keep it is only about 5 hours a day)

She asked if she could stay here for a few days to get away from all of that. Since she has been here, I have found out that my friend (her mother) is lying to her.

This girl wants her baby. She has a pregnancy journal with all of the ultrasound pix and records baby movements and everything. She says her mom is going to keep the baby for 6 months so she can get on her feet.

I called my friend thinking that maybe things had changed. I also thought my friend should know how her daughter is living.

Imagine my shock when I found that not only did my friend know how her daughter was living, she informed me that the people are taking most of her daughter's SSI check (she gets for a mild disability); food stamps and eating most of the food she gets on WIC.

I asked about the daughter raising the baby after it was 6 months old and she said "NO, we are keeping the baby, we are just telling her that so she will sign the papers. She thinks it is temporary custody. She won't read anything, she will sign whatever we put in front of her"

Oh and I asked the daughter about what her mom said about going to another state after the baby comes and she said that was her mom's idea. She is going there to visit a guy that is a family friend (not a boyfriend like her mom is telling everyone)

My husband and I talked about all of this. We can't do alot, but we do have a travel trailer the girl can stay in. She gets WIC and food stamps so she can feed herself. And she does have a small income (her SSI) so she can get herself the things she needs. I have baby things from my kids she can have. I also want to get her to sign up for section 8 housing as there is a long waiting list

My husband said that once we step in and help that all h*ll will break out and we will probably loose her parents as friends. We have been friends with both of them since high school.

My husband thinks I need to sit the girl down and tell her everything her mother is planning. And tell her everything she has said from the thing when the girl was 10 yrs old, to the papers her mom wants her to sign not being temporary custody papers.

I am not sure the girl can handle all of that right now. She is bipolar (med controlled) and I am afraid that would set her off. I want to have her stay here and spend the next four months convincing her that she can raise her baby on her own from day one, even offering to help myself when the baby comes if she needs it. I think that I can convince her she won't need to sign her mother's papers.

So I am asking opinions. Wh

I have had a pair of diamond doves for several months. When I bought them from Pet Smart I was told they were both female.

I did some research and thought that one of them might be a male because the cere was darker and thicker.

One of them has been jumping on the other and flappig its wings repeatedly. I was wondering if they were mating, but wasn't sure.

Then a couple of days ago, one of them was staing in the bamboo nest and I wondered if she was sick since they have both pretty much ignored the nest until now.

Today the one was back in the nest and I thought maybe she was sick, so I went to move her off the nest and discovered two eggs!

So I wonder if the eggs are fertile? Coud they have been mating?

If anyone knows about the mating habits of diamond doves do you think they were mating? Is there a way to tell if the eggs are fertile. (I do not want to disturb them tho)

If they are fertile how long will it take for them to hatch?

Thanks

It seems like there are alot of us having reunions this summer. I just had a great week with my brother and his family. This is my final reunion. My family is finally complete.

I learned a lot from this reunion and so I was just curious as to what others have learned when they reunited with lost parents, children or siblings.

I learned that my brother had almost become a prefessional water skier. I learned that he had a picture of my as a baby in his room as a child (I had his kindergarten picture on my dresser for years).

I learned the joy of watching my sons follow after their uncle (he is the only one they have). I learned what it's like to have a sister in law and neice and enjoy just being family with them all.

I had dreamed of meeting my brother for 23 years and I learned that the reality of who he is is better than any fantasy ever could be.

So what did you learn in your reunion (good or bad)?