Who has more of a right to be considered "family"?

Family may be family but that doesn't mean family can't suck.

Why did no one confront the drunken SIL? The SIL who talked to you after should have talked to her husband and the matter should have been handled by the family. There also should have been open communication about your search for your bio mother as well as open support (I honestly had no idea from the way I was raised but it's quite common for [good] parents to support their kids in matters even when they may not agree...and I'm not being sarcastic, I had to re-learn how things work in families.)

Technically an in law chooses to come into the family...an adoptee is chosen with little or no choice in the matter (in most cases)...so the adoptee should be more "family" than an in law. If you wanna get really technical about it although a in law can birth a child that is blood related their relationship is conditional and could be severed at anytime with any court.

I was born into my family..my mother carried, birthed and raised me. BUT I also grew up hearing my mother list reasons why she loved my sister more, and family tell me they felt sorry for me because my mother didn't want me (seriously who tells a child this?? but I thought it was normal..) When I was pregnant my mother wouldn't even LOAN me money to buy food or help with a car. My parents have never seen their grandchildren.

My in laws ask all the time how I'm doing, how I'm feeling, have sleepovers with their grandchild (the other is about to be born), send cookies home just for me, and have shown support like I have never known.

Some family is better off not being "claimed" (birth or adoptive) and some family can be more family to you without knowing you your entire life. Some parents are just not good parents, period. The argument of who is more family is null on this account because for some people it really doesn't matter, either way it comes down the the type of people they are. It's sad...

It depends on the situation on who has more of a "right"

But in this case, I think it was you. You were just a kid, and this woman, who is a part of your family(in a way), disrespected you, and your own mother. I know it was hard to take it, but at that age, you don't really think of knocking a bltch out ya know?

You both have the right to be considered family, because you are.

She may not have liked you because the family may have been talking about you, and moved on to your mom, since it was your birthday.

If she thinks your mom is trash, she should've been a good family member, and shut her trap and gave you respect since you seem to not have done anything to spark her outburst on you.

Interesting Question.... I guess how this question is answered will depend on who answers it... Im sure some adoptees would say that they consider their adoptive family more of a real family then their bio family , Just because they will say " my adopted family took me in and raised me...etc.."

And others may feel more of a connection with their bio family , Just because maybe they never got along, or fit in with their adoptive family...

This is one of those questions that one answer doesn't fit all... It all depends on who is answering it....

Frist, I think it was out-of-line and incredibly cruel and for your s-i-l to make such comments to you. And I too would be crushed beyond words, especially as a defenseless teenager.

I do not think who has a bigger/stronger "right" to be part of the family is the real issue. Frankly, I wonder why you allowed drunken comments from your s-i-l to color your own sense of a right to be part of the family. (I hope there was more to writing off your family than this single incident.) Did you ask others how they felt about her comments or the situation? Would revisiting the situation with the family members you do still interact with be possible? This is not criticism, just trying to assist you figure out a way that might help you find closure.

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It sounds like the sister in law is a trouble maker and in great need of attention and control. My children are first because they are my children and should be first. My husband runs a close second. Both of my children are adopted but that has no bearing on their place in my heart. I do not think this one incident had caused the break up of your family. I hope you find the family (bio, friends, other relatives) you want and need in your life. Even bio families will grow apart or refuse contact with each other. Family is who you love, trust, and support you in your life. Family is who you turn to at the worst times in life. Family stays and defends. They love and support you emotionally, financially, and even physically if needed because they want to. I hope you can make the family you need

You had every right to be considered a full and deserving member of the family, and should no more have been guilted into feeling "grateful" for the roof over your head than any biological child. (I also don't think biological children should have to feel "grateful." Children deserve to be cared for - it is their right.)

You also had every right to wonder about your birth family. They may have felt threatened by your desire to search but should have dealt with their own feelings and supported you.

The drunk jerk should have kept her mouth shut and was way out of line.

I don't know what caused the rift between you and your adoptive family. It may have been that they agreed with the drunk and she was the only one to say it out loud. Or it might have been something else that happened. The dynamics of family life are complicated and rifts happen in families connected by blood as well. To have it break down completely is just terrible.

This is a really sad story and I'm sorry it happened to you.

You would think that you would have more of a right. Being adopted makes you family. She can become a non member of the family with a divorce. Since your family deserted you when you turned 18 I would not call them family. I see nothing wrong with your wanting to find your birth mother. No one should bad mouth her. I think it takes a strong woman to give her child up for a better life. Getting into an argument with your adoptive mother is quite normal. It seems funny they do not expect this to happen just because you are not blood.

You do, of course.

Regardless of blood, you are a daughter of that family. And a daughter will always have more authority than a daughter-in-law.

The adoptee is more family than the in-law!