Is this really so hard for people to understand?

I do not think YOU are out of line at all. Your family is handling this with honesty and grace.

In our situation, it's hard for many to understand why we bother too because our son's first mom has made neglectful decisions and placed her daughter (our son's sister) in harm's way. It's not always easy to sympathize with her for that reason but you know what...people need to be reminded that these decisions are based on a seriously messed up childhood. She is doing the best she can and adding to pain her life just isn't an option. It's also very important that we treat our son's mother kindly. Still, others around us who are just now getting the idea of an open adoption still don't have much respect for someone who would marry and willingly conceive a child with a convicted child abuser. I'm relieved though, that none of them would be mean-spirited towards her. If they did, like you, we would shorten that leash very fast (and possibly sever that relationship).

When I first read your post I thought..."hey...maybe MIL is just really protective and this is her abrasive way of sharing her concern"...NOW, after yoru Added Detais...NOT SO MUCH.

To treat anyone so cruelly is incomprehensible to me. If there is real love for someone...you don't disregard what they consider important because YOU feel like being a jerk. I mean...why was she even having her daughter's first mom at her house anyway...pure, sick pleasure?

I would understand the protective aspect of such a comment (which makes it easier for your friend to agree) but what your MIL has displayed is not protective. It's just plain mean. And short-sighted. Your kids will not be too impressed with this behaviour as they become aware of it. It's a shame she can't shut her trap for them. What a foolish woman.

As for your friend...sounds like she meant well and isn't challenging you on this. It's better that she felt comfortable telling you that out loud. She's probably willing to listen openly.

THANK YOU for walking the talk re: open adoptions.

I think what you are doing is right, BUT I can understand your MIL feelings as well. She obviously has anger over what happened to her granddaughter. In her eyes, the other grandmother WAS a contributer to the abuse. She must believe that if the mother had raised her daughter correctly, then the daughter would not have grown up to abuse her own daughter. In this case, it doesn't seem likely that was the case, but your MIL probably believes it is.

In your situation, I would probably make the same decision, but TRY to be patient with your MIL. What she's feeling is fear and anger rarely helps fear. Try to make her understand why you think it's best for all the kids to continue to have positive connections with your daughter's biological family, but realize it may take an awfully long time to change her mind.

I grew up with two brothers who had been abused (prenataly, and in one case after birth) by their biological mother. As I've gotten older, I've gained a measure of peace with that fact. However, as a teenager if a woman had showed up at our house claiming to be my brothers biological grandmother, I think that "f*ck off" would have been the NICEST reaction I was likely to have. I would have been more tempted to scream, kick, bite, and claw her for even being related by the person who had injured my brothers.

Mmmm....Crappy mother-in-laws...I feel your pain!

Our kids are being adopted from foster care, but they spent the first 16/2 months of their lives with foster parents.

Those foster parents have their faults, but they did what they could for our kids in a lot of respects, and especially our little guy. They love him a lot, and we want to keep them involved in our kids' lives.

In talking to them, we've decided that they will be another set of grandparents for our kids. They hold a chunk of their story, and we believe that our kids deserve all the information and contact with their history that we can POSSIBLY provide for them, under the circumstances.

Now, my freaking mother-in-law, upon hearing that P & L will ALSO be grandparents was not impressed, and made a comment that it was silly to call them Grandma P & Grandpa L because they aren't "real" grandparents.

That made us laugh. NONE of the grandparents (my parents, in-laws or P & L) are BIOLOGICAL grandparents. Of anyone, P & L know the kids better than anyone! Der.

My husband told her sort of quietly that her insecurities were showing and that she'd just have to get used to it.

Oh, Kidmindi, I could tell you MIL stories that would make the hair stand up on the back of your neck. LOL You're doing just fine, and I think it's AMAZING that you are keeping everything available for your daughter to know her kin and her history. Don't let MIL's and friends with no concept of the complexities of adoption sway you. You, of all people, know better than anyone how to handle this. ;-) Don't let 'em get to you.

You know what, you are doing the right thing. It is so much better for your daughter to have that stability and peace between her two mothers than to live like so many bitter divorced parents do, fighting, saying nasty things about each other to the kids... You are taking the higher road and being a great mom. Don't let your MIL upset you, she has a different personality and sounds like a grudgeful, unhappy person. Keep doing what you are doing. I have a son with my ex, and I could have been nasty to him. He cheated on me, abused me and more. I choose to forgive and forget. Well at least forgive. It is unhealthy and emotionally damaging (along with morally wrong) to talk crap about the childs other parent in front of them. He is remarried and has a cute daughter, she used to spend the night with us when they went out of town. We are in a different state now so we miss them, but we all used to go out to dinners once in a while, keep the peace. He is a very stable teenage boy. My brother and his ex lived like your MIL wants you to, all 3 of his daughters are completely screwed up. So, keep up your good work. You love your daughter and are doing what is best. Obviously mom isn't wanting to have a real committed relationship with her daughter or she would have. If you cut her off, she just may show up and problems could arise. Let her be happy being "grandma" and if your MIL doesn't understand this after you explain your reasons to her in a nice way, then it's her problem. Be nice to everyone and you will always come out ahead.

Parental alienation syndrome is common and takes many forms. Grandparents practice it too. Some of them want to be the "only" grandparents.

It happens with divorce and even when a parent has died. One side of the family will cut the other side out of the child's life.

I think you are doing the right thing. Grandma N is A's grandma and should be allowed to behave as such. The harm would be in more separation...more alienation.

Families don't know how to get along anymore and it is really sad. Treating children like trophies to fight over, and cutting them off from their own relatives is mean.

I think what you are doing is great! I'm glad you are being a good mother to your adopted child. I know of a situation where a woman had foster kids, for the money. The foster kids where put up for adoption and the foster mom chose to adopt them because she got use to them. In the mean time forster mom already had 2 grown children whom she treated better. Long story short the older kids wound up on drugs adopted parents died, and foster kids had horrible life and today one of them has no one. Not that this is your situation, but there is a value in keeping family (that are not abusers) in the children's life. We never know what our circumstances will be one day or who are children may need to turn to. Not to mention people grow up and want to know their roots! I always think, what if these kids knew some of their other relatives? Your right your MIL can't tell you a damn thing and I'm glad you basically told her where to go and how to get there. It's none of her business that's why you are the mom! It seems to me that you are being selfless in sharing your daughter, because by rights you really didn't have too! You are secure with your position in your daughters life, so you don't feel sharing her threatens who you are! Way to go!

You are absolutely correct and just continue to trust your instincts on this. Outsiders who do not understand adoption and the unique family ties it creates; will probably just never get it.

If your friendship is important and she brings you positivity and support in other areas, you might tell her that unless she will read books such as "The Primal Wound" so that she understands that what you are doing is in your daughter's best interest; that you will have to agree to disagree. And tell your MIL the same thing - although I doubt that she'll listen.

Be prepared to lose the friendship, however. Some people refuse to respect their friend having a different point of view and will fight to the death of their friendship to prove the other wrong.

None of us need or deserve friends like that.

I understand completely. You're doing what you believe is best for your daughter. You are keeping her as close to her natural/first/biological family as you can. Your little girl will loose enough in her life, if you can keep her family with her I think you should for her sake. You're not doing that for your MIL's benefit and I'm guessing couldn't care less what she thought. I must say that even though the whole situation has NOTHING to do with me and I'm glad there are people who really only wants whats best for their child. I've yet to adopt but when I do I'd like an actual open adoption. Since I'm not really into holidays like Christmas if the child's first mother is and wants to come visit I'd be more than happy to decorate just for them to enjoy it. If my family have an issue with the way I raise my children (and they will without a doubt for one BIG reason) I expect them to keep out of it before they loose the privilege of seeing them themselves. I truly think you want what's best for HER and not your MIL... in that I compliment you.

I consider my son has two moms, and before his adoptive father's death, he had two dad. I am blessed to be raising him, but he will always have a first set of parents, and even if they choose not to honor open adoption, he will always be told that they love him. A child can never have too many people who love them.

My son's Memaw (as she prefers to be called), has a special relationship with him. The first time she met me was after the first parents had been escorted by police from the hospital, after showing up there high (before he was born). It's not her fault, and I treasure the moments he has with her, and through her, he has contact with his siblings, including the daughter they're raising now, that had been placed with us for 3 days. I helped first parents get help to get off drugs, and they are mostly successfully parenting his sister, have built a house, and are doing good.

My mom doesn't like the fact that I think my son has two moms. She doesn't think our adoption should have the option to be open. I'd always been friends with my first and last late husband's ex-wives, which makes it much easier on the kids involved, and they've been good to me, and my mother can't understand that either. She says I'm too civil to watch my own back.

The less stress we can involve our kids in, and the more people that love them should be the goals in all relationships, especially adoption. Even though my son's Memaw doesn't visit often, he is immediately attracted to her, goes to her, and hugs and loves on her, and when she leaves, she asks if he wants to go with her, and he says no, and reaches for me.

The only way your mother-in-law's reaction is normal is that people have jealous streaks. Recommend to her that she get some professional help with her jealousy issues, and that she needs to be confident in her relationship enough to know that she is your chlid's grandmother, and that she also needs to face the fact the other woman is too, and if she continues her behavior, her grandchild won't get to know her.

Really not too hard to understand. You're not wrong at all.

BUT (I know...I hate but s too!)

Things get alittle hairy when your talking about people's emotions. I'll be the first one to admit mine usually make no sense what so ever! She is feeling protective and jealous...doesn't make it right and she totally needs to get over it but its semi understandable...

Bottom line: your daughter = your choice. If it makes your daughter happy (or will make her happy if she's too young to really know any better) then go for it! There can never be too many people that love a child. NEVER!

She sounds like she is overbearing to the extreme and once she finds out you won't budge she will adjust...its not in her nature to stay away for too long, too many things might happen that she won't be there to critique..can't have that.

Good luck and stand your ground.