Adoptees, what were you told about your first mom?

I was told that she was a young girl who "got into trouble" and wanted to finish school so she gave me away to a family that had a mommy AND a daddy.

I was also told that she had "bad blood" and if I wasn't careful I would "catch" it too.

Neither one is true. I didn't talk about adoption in my home, I still don't talk about it much with my adoptive family. I know it was damaging to think that someone would have rather finished school than love me and I know it was VERY damaging to think that I was destined to turn out "bad" because of the "trouble" my mom got into but nobody bothered to think about how it might have affected me. I wasn't important enough, having that perfect Nuclear Family was what mattered. Keeping up appearances counted more than making sure that appearance was truth.

I say honesty is best, if you aren't 150% sure of the facts you have been given say so but don't candy coat it or make it seem worse than it is either.

I was told that she was "too young" to raise me properly, that she was not married and had no education. I was told she made a "loving choice" because she wanted the best possible life for me, in a home with 2 parents, and siblings.

She was not too young (21) when I was born and my APs didn't actually know her age. She wasn't married but my father proposed and she accepted... HER parents forbade her to marry my father because he was the "wrong" religion. Yes, it did matter that they forbade it, even though she was 21.

In 1972, an unmarried woman who was pregnant or had a child could be denied housing, work, any social benefit that anyone saw fit to deny her... and there was no recourse.

She did not make a "loving choice" to have me adopted because she did not want to relinquish me. She signed under the fear that she would not have any means to take care of me and her father's threat (which she is certain he would have carried out) to "put her out" if she chose to keep me. Her father also told MY father that he had no rights (a lie) and that he would be arrested if he tried to retrieve me from the hospital or interfere with my adoption.

She never said she wanted me to 'get' a home "with two parents" or with siblings -- nobody asked her what she wanted (which was to raise me). My adoptive parents were on a waiting list and I was born at the time that they reached the top of the list -- they were next in line for a baby and I was the next baby. That was all the "matching" that was done at that time. My parents ponied up the cash and the agency provided the "goods" (me).

My mother was never told that my a-parents already had two children and one of them was their own, biological child. When she learned that, she was furious! (Not with my adoptive parents, as they were not the ones who lied to her, but with the agency worker who DID lie.)

Both my adoptive parents and my natural parents were lied to throughout the process AND throughout my life. In addition, my adoptive parents took liberal license to add their own 'spin' on to the facts of my birth and adoption.

My AP's were kept in the dark about everything.they were not even allowed to come to the foster home for visits,prior to fostering me.it was all conducted in the Social Work Center.i grew up very suspicious they were hiding something.whenever they went away for a few hours(when i was a teen) i searched through everything,but there were no secrets.just unidentifying information,which i already knew.i always hoped i would find a secret paper ,but never did.they(AP'S) say now that i have contact with my first mom, they see how much peace i have found,just knowing who i am.they would have done anything in the past to help me find the info.i desperately needed,but in 1970 when i was adopted,it was like every step of the adoption was wiped out behind me/them.

Explain to her (in an age appropriate manner) that not all women who have babies are cut out to be moms, and so other people sometimes have to raise the child. As she gets older, you get more specific about the whys, but be led by her asking, not you (nor anyone else) forcing the issue.

My story started out with being loved so much my mom gave me away to give me a better life, progressing through some serious stretching of the truth from my paternal anan, via more and more confirmations, corrections and clarifications to my amom's biased perspective of what was pretty much true.

My bmom is pretty much the epitome of everything my afamily don't like, and sadly for them, much as I strive not to be, I am a very deeply embedded copy of my bmom.

Go see an adoption knowledgeable and friendly counsellor - that way you can all deal with any issues that may arise. :)

I was told that I was a firstborn child, that my parents weren't together anymore, and that my mother had wanted to move on with her life and go to college. I was also told that I was relinquished at birth. None of this ended up being true. I don't know if my aparents lied to me, maybe they did know some things and kept it from me, I will never know the truth, but that's what I got told.

Botz,

What your mother's father told your father was not an idle threat. That is exactly what happened to me. I was 18, and two days after I delivered the father came to the maternity home to get us. They had him arrested at the door for trespassing. That was done at my father's behest. I wasn't told about it until after the fact. That's when they gave me something to calm my nerves, and I don't remember a thing after that for months....just a blur, except for a shooting pain in my hip whenever I brushed against something...

That she was deaf. That she was 19. That she was Native Indian ( Cree ) and french.

Nothing too specific because all we had was basic information about her and the father.

25 years later I find out: that my conception was the result of a rape and that he denied it. That she was homeless. She lived at a Native Senior's Center, that had outreach programs. That giving me up, she wished she could die. That she wanted to run away ( these were her own words ). She had a very rough pregnancy.

My adoptive parents always tried to make me feel good about myself. They were very supportive for the most part. They gave me a wonderful life. I have 3 brothers and a sister. I had a very good child hood and no they never once told me bogus b u l l s h i t about my birth mom, etc.

My birth mom loved me very much, even though I happened through a traumatic experience. She did give me up to give me a better life. She was deaf and homeless. What kind of life would I of had?

She did what was best for me, even though it just about killed her.

I was told my mother was an anxious person and she was unable to take care of me and that's it I have a sister she lives in the US I don't know where

I believe she was an anxious person due to my high anxiety

I was told she was a single woman who had an "affair" with a married man. She supposedly was from the East Coast and moved West to have me. She was, as I was told, when I was older single and "loose." She was a (gasp) unwed mother.

The truth is she was a widow and already had two children. She was abandoned by my father who didn't want to raise three kids. She did what she thought she had to in order to protect her kids from scrutiny. She struggled with her decision her whole life.

I don't blame my aparents for this lack of info. They weren't lying, they were giving me the scraps of info the attorney had given them. My first mother, in fact, had also been given false info about them. She thought I was their only child when I was actually the youngest of three.

It has been very nice to know the truth :)

well i was adopted when i was six, so maybe the telling me why was a little easier because i knew why i was removed from the home. my adoptive mom always told me the truth didnt stretch it make the woman sound wonderful and didnt stretch it to make her sound horrible either. she told me tta maybe at the time in my birth mothers life she was unable mentally to get us out of the situation we were in. she said that we can not be to hard on her because we dont know what was going on in the womans mind. she didnt mean she was mental she just ment that she was probably mentally stressed and sometimes people freeze in those situations. but she also said that doesnt mean that the situtaion you were in was ok. she never spoke ill of her even though i knew plenty of people who new my situation did. my two younger birth siblings adoptive parents did the opposite they did nothing but talk bad about her to my sister and brother. they never were very understanding of it and neevr stop to think that maybe something in out birth mothers life caused her mot to do something about the situation. I am very glad my adoptive mother nevr placed judgement on her and it has a loowed me to stay open minded towards my birth mother even if i was angry at her.