Adoption deception..does it ever end?

Question

I recently met a lady and we got on the topic of adoption. She told me that her in laws had adopted their son's (her brother in law) baby shortly after her birth. Recently the girl's  bio father was killed in action overseas. This child is 6 years old and is upset because her "big brother" died. She has no idea that it was actually her father who died.

This is so much like what happened to me, except that my father died when I was a baby, and I was adopted after the fact. But still I heard stories of my "brother" who had died, never knowing he was my father.

I told this lady my story and that she should talk to her in laws about starting to tell this little girl the truth now. She said that they figure she wil guess the truth because they are older than her friend's parents and she is 20 years younger than their youngest child. 

I want to scream. How does this still go on in this day and age? Do people really think that this is ok?

Also does anyone have any ideas of books or websites I can recommend to this lady to pass on to her in laws. She agrees that what is going on is wrong but has no idea how to bring it up them.

SJM · Accepted Answer

They figure she'll guess?  Can I faint now?  I have children that are nearly 20 years apart, and they're all my natural-born children.  My best friend had 16 years between her children.  My ex-mother-in-law had over 20 years between her children.  It happens.  I think the technical term for it is "oops".  

They need to tell this girl asap.  She needs to be mourning her father, not her brother.  That is going to open up so many wounds when she does figure it out, and she will, but she shouldn't have to.  She'll figure it out when she goes to get her birth certificate or when her 'parents' die, and then she'll have to go back to this tragedy and relive it in the new context of her father instead of her brother's death.  How awful.

I don't have any websites, but I would not stop encouraging whoever is behind this to just tell the truth and get it over with as soon as possible.

LindseyTaylor · Answer

My little sister and I are 17 years apart...my mother thought she was going thru menopause when she missed her period!! Talk about starting over!!

How would that be a legit reason to think you were adopted? No.


Is it right?? Heck no!! but chances are her in laws already know all the info and are still sticking to their story. and there's not a whole lot anyone can do about it.

Chances are she WILL stumble on the truth eventually, either by someone slipping or finding some paperwork...and she will be traumatized and feel betrayed. My heart hurts for her for the day that is in her future. They are not doing her any good but it's their choice (unfortunately)

ManInTheMoon · Answer

http://www.uoregon.edu/~adoption/topics/telling.htm

http://www.life123.com/parenting/adoption/adopted-children/identity-development-in-adopted-children.shtml

http://www.amazon.com/Communicating-Adopted-Child-D-S-W-Miriam/dp/059509127X

Here Are A Couple Of Web Sites And The Last One Is A Book, All Describing The Importance Of Adoptee's Knowing Of Their Adoption.

Unfortunately this story only re-enforces my beliefs that more so than not, Adoption is done in the Best interest of the Adopter's rather than the Best Interest of the Adoptee's. And YES I am aware that there are some very GREAT Adopter's out there !

I truly hope your influence will make a difference !

"Keeping An Open Mind & Heart"............Gods Speed !

CarbonDated · Answer

All she has to do is tell them that it is likely their grandchild will resent them if they withhold the truth beyond 7 or 8.  Actor, Jack Nicholson is a good example.  He didn't find out until he was 38 that his 'sister' was really his mother.  It did a lot of damage even though he understood that illegitimacy, in the era he was born in, had a lot of negatives for children.

As my parents adopted my cousins when they were babies, my experience is that most kids have the maturity level by 6 or 7 to understand the particulars of why they were adopted.

Johnsmuffinpie · Answer

That sucks, and they certainly need to tell the child asap, but it's one situation.  Don't assume all adoption is riddled with deception.  Mine isn't and never was.  I know many people like me.

myst1998 · Answer

<sigh>

Nope.  It won't either until it (adoption) is seen for what it is.

Anticipating! · Answer

That's what happened to Ted Bundy, he was raised by his grandparents thinking his mother was his sister. See how well he came out.

Walter Ford II · Answer

Adoption deception..does it ever end?

Nope.

Neither does denial.

Both are vicious cycles within adoption.

I think both are getting worse in this day and age since more women are infertile.

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Adoption deception..does it ever end?

8 Answers