What would you do - stay or leave?

Question

I've been with my husband for over 4 years now, but married less than a year (it will be a year on the 26th of July).

A myriad of things have happened in our relationship, starting with the fact that I have come from experience (previous relationships) whereas he hasn't. I have a healthy sex-drive (maybe even a bit high) but he has one that is non-existent. We haven't slept in the same bed for over 9 months now, we've had sex 3 times since our wedding, and now we are fighting constantly. 

Before we used to at least remember how to laugh. Tonight he told me "it doesn't matter" anymore. We have been dealing with a massive financial issues. 

My job is based out of where we live, with the possibility of my boss wanting someone who can take care of the property differently than me (I'm allergic to the grass and he works off-site 4 days out of the week and that's the only thing I need him to help me with. {Which he was totally on board for when we first started.} It makes it difficult to do it on her command, even though I totally understand her perspective) I may lose my job, and we may lose our place to live. 

His parents supported us getting married (we're both in our 30's - first marriage for both) - but since, they've turned their back on him (no longer the lil boy mommy could always coddle), claiming I am nothing but pure evil. I realize I have a stubborn streak in me, and I am as sarcastic as they come, but evil? No. Their adult son finally moved out of the house (3 yrs ago - I've been out since I was 17). 

We are complete opposites in EVERYTHING. This used to be a good thing, but now I am starting to see that he resents me for certain things, and I to him for others. I know that if given the option, he'd go home and say three little words "I left Beth" and they would welcome him home with a lobster dinner. "I'm getting a divorce" would bring out the fine china for them. I've insisted that he maintain his relationship with them, even if they aren't happy with me (still not exactly sure why, but I have several ideas, including mommy-jealousy), because family is important. I don't have family to speak of - my mom took off when I was twelve and left me to be raised by my half-sister's sick and twisted father - hence the reason I left at 17 for good. 

I know I have abandonment issues. I know I use my words as my defense mechanism. I also know that until my husband, I patterned to find the easy abusive relationships because that was what was familiar. I've done the counseling, I know where my weak points are, and I am the first to point them out. 

Our biggest concerns as I see them:
- no intimacy - no matter the time, place, meal, music, setting, etc. - he is not interested, and will find any excuse possible to avoid sex or talking about it now.
- his lying - it's become so routine now that he lies and I catch him in it that it's almost funny to him.
- what feels like begging to get him to communicate 
- our finances - he spends more than a Beverly Hills rich girl, and we have massive debts 
- he keeps telling all of our friends 'we're hoping to have a kid soon'... HOW? with our finances we can't adopt, and I'm not about to bring a kid into a relationship as messed up as this, even if I would love to be a mother, I'd rather be a surrogate aunt than torment a child with pain.
- our inability to resolve anything.

I do love him. I know that some people think I settled with him, but I didn't see it that way, at least at the time. I just don't know how much I like him right now, and this pain doesn't seem to get any better.

what would you do? please, don't be cruel, I know I am just as much to blame as him in this, and I am not meaning to attack him.

Ellie · Accepted Answer

I've been through two marriages...and two divorces. I speak from the experience of marital neglect, financial difficulties, and even physical abuse in both marriages. 

Simply put:

It takes two to make ANY marriage work. You can try and try and try..you can beg, plead, scream, cry, talk, etc....but if your spouse is unwilling to give an equal effort...there's not much else to be done except cut your losses and start your life over. 

BUT!!!!

you HAVE to give him the chance to try. No ultimatums, no threats, no temper-tantrums. none of the "if you don't do couple's therapy, i'll leave." that's just asking him to go into it unwillingly. it has to be an equal and willing and most importantly open minded decision for you both.

I seriously wish you the best of luck. It's a hard road to take regardless of how you decide it's best...but remember...in the end you have to watch out for your own well being. Loving someone doesn't always mean you're in love with them. and the two key points you mentioned..the communication and lying.....no relationship can thrive without trust and communication.

Anonymous · Answer

I can also be stubborn and blunt sometimes but there are limits.  People need to compromise in a relationship.  It sounds like you both have a difficult time trusting each other.  If you both are having major financial issues the stress can cause problems with your sex life.  I wonder why your husband is lying.  Lying is never funny and I'm sure he wouldn't be laughing if you lied to him.  I also wonder why your husband spends so much money.  Is he overly concerned about his appearance or impressing people?  Hopefully your husband isn't having an affair.  It's been a year and I don't think you should get divorced.  If you have already done counseling have you ever thought about praying or visiting a local church?  I was dealing with a lot of issues in my life and when I learned about God I found the answers I was looking for.

christy b · Answer

ok 1st of all if you all are having financial problems why not suggest to him that you would like to have separate accounts so that way you each have your own money but keep the one that you have together now and figure out how much money you need each month for the bills and you put half and he puts half in that way the bills are covered as far as your job my advice is if you need to mow grass take a benidrill before cutting grass and go to your local pharmacy and get some masks that help from letting in bad air (sorry getting tired) as far as your number one problem of him not wanting sex sit him down and tell him point blank that if he no longer wants you then he needs to move out that you are tired of being room mates and what are some of the things that he is lying about is it his where abouts or is it who he is with cause if he is with other woman he is getting it else where as far as the children issue are other friends having kids and he might be saying that cause he doesn't want his friends knowing that you all are having problems i also have the same problem with not being able to resolve anything all i can say is sit there and talk about it till you either do or till one of you gets up and leaves good luck

e_d_ellis2004 · Answer

Your marriage is definitely wrecked but still salvageable. Don't throw in the towel just yet.

That said, is it possible that your husband suffers from compulsive spending? Compulsive spenders use money and spending to deal with low self-esteem, stress, boredom, and a host of other emotional issues. And the stress of spending yourself deep into debt would kill anyone's sex drive.

Sit down with your husband and make it very clear that things have to change or you're out the door. Also, look into establishing a separate credit rating--something that you are entitled to do under the Equal Credit Opportunity Act. You shouldn't have to be paying off his debts fifteen years later if you decide to divorce him.

Anonymous · Answer

Only you can know what is right for you to do you sound so unhappy and so conflicted about this relationship. Prehapse before you totally give up try councelling as a couple to try to work through some nof these issues. If you feel you want to work through things then thats a possibility however if things arent what you want then you need to work on what you want no one here can give you what you want to hear whats right for you and others are different

What would you do - stay or leave?

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