Sticky situation with friend and her daughter....opinions plz?

A few months ago, I posted about a friend of mine who wanted me to help convince her 18 yr old pregnant daughter to let her adopt the baby.

She thought that I could explain to her daughter that I had been better off with my grandparents and so would her child. She also wanted me to use my adoption of my step daughter as further proof that babies were better off with an older,married couple and not with a young single mom.

I finally told my friend that I was not comfortable getting in the middle of her issues with her daughter. In fact, I was (and still am) appauled at the way she is wanting to take her daughter's baby.

This friend once said that even tho she could no longer have kids, that someday her daughter would have a baby and then she would have another child. (this was when the daughter was 10 yrs old)

My friend has set up a nursery, named the baby, and is putting stuff on her myspace like "Me, Hubby, and baby makes 3". Some of her friends on myspace have asked if she is pregnant and she makes comments like "The baby is due in November"

For those of us who know it is her daughter who is expecting, she has said that her daughter does not want the baby and has said that she wants her parents to take the baby home from the hospital so she can get on a bus and go to a boyfriend (not the baby's dad) in another state.

I have been friends with the mother since high school and have known this girl all her life. She calls me "Aunt Mindi"

A couple of weeks ago, I was in the store and saw the daughter. She and I talked and I gave her my phone number and told her to call if she needed anything.

A few days ago the daughter called and asked if she could come visit with my family and I for a few days. So I went and got her.

As for her living situation, her mother will not let her live at home. (she kicked her out the day she turned 18) This young pregnant girl is couch surfing. At this moment she is liviing with some people she knows.

It is a very bad situation for anyone, much less a pregnant girl. The house is filthy, with cat and dog feces everywhere. The house is infested with fleas, and roaches.

Also the family she lives with smokes and the girl has asked them not to smoke around her but they do anyway. She has to sleep on the couch and can only sleep when the family is in bed (due to the schedule they keep it is only about 5 hours a day)

She asked if she could stay here for a few days to get away from all of that. Since she has been here, I have found out that my friend (her mother) is lying to her.

This girl wants her baby. She has a pregnancy journal with all of the ultrasound pix and records baby movements and everything. She says her mom is going to keep the baby for 6 months so she can get on her feet.

I called my friend thinking that maybe things had changed. I also thought my friend should know how her daughter is living.

Imagine my shock when I found that not only did my friend know how her daughter was living, she informed me that the people are taking most of her daughter's SSI check (she gets for a mild disability); food stamps and eating most of the food she gets on WIC.

I asked about the daughter raising the baby after it was 6 months old and she said "NO, we are keeping the baby, we are just telling her that so she will sign the papers. She thinks it is temporary custody. She won't read anything, she will sign whatever we put in front of her"

Oh and I asked the daughter about what her mom said about going to another state after the baby comes and she said that was her mom's idea. She is going there to visit a guy that is a family friend (not a boyfriend like her mom is telling everyone)

My husband and I talked about all of this. We can't do alot, but we do have a travel trailer the girl can stay in. She gets WIC and food stamps so she can feed herself. And she does have a small income (her SSI) so she can get herself the things she needs. I have baby things from my kids she can have. I also want to get her to sign up for section 8 housing as there is a long waiting list

My husband said that once we step in and help that all h*ll will break out and we will probably loose her parents as friends. We have been friends with both of them since high school.

My husband thinks I need to sit the girl down and tell her everything her mother is planning. And tell her everything she has said from the thing when the girl was 10 yrs old, to the papers her mom wants her to sign not being temporary custody papers.

I am not sure the girl can handle all of that right now. She is bipolar (med controlled) and I am afraid that would set her off. I want to have her stay here and spend the next four months convincing her that she can raise her baby on her own from day one, even offering to help myself when the baby comes if she needs it. I think that I can convince her she won't need to sign her mother's papers.

So I am asking opinions. Wh

2009-07-24T07:16:15Z

I am asking opinions. Which way should we handle things, my way or my hubby's

Oh and the baby's dady is not in the picture. he bailed as soon as she said she was pregnant and now he can't be located.

2009-07-24T07:43:36Z

ETA I wanted to add that this mother and daughter have always had a rough relationship due to the daughter's bipolar.

Her mother often handled things in ways I would not have, but I figured it was her daughter to raise as she saw fit. There was no abuse involved.

I know this will be the end of a friendship. I am willing to accept that. It's hard to lose a friend who you have been friends with for 20 years, but yeah I do agree this issue is more important that that

Anha S2009-07-24T10:10:24Z

Favorite Answer

This young woman is in desperate need of an advocate right now, and you and your hubby are in the position to be one. Her mother is planning to use her as an incubator, lie to her, and steal her child, a child that she wants to raise, and she is thinking that her mom is just going to help her out for that first little bit so she can get on her feet. It also sounds like mama is doing her level best to discredit her own daughter and make her look bad.

I think that you both have good ideas on how to handle this situation, but I do think that this young lady needs to know the whole truth. You and your hubby can offer a safe place for her to land and to deal with it all. Otherwise, it's putting this girl at risk to be preyed on by her own mother.

I know it hurts to lose a friend, especially a long term one, but it's good that you are willing to end that friendship for the sake of this young woman.

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Daniela (Poppy's Mama)2009-07-24T12:00:58Z

I would tell her everything and once I had told her everything, I would call her Mom (for want of a better word) and tell her that her Daughter knows everything...then tell her that you have no interest in hearing from her again. I would WANT to lose these people as friends, they sound like terrible parents and I can't imagine that they make much better friends. Bipolar doesn't mean that she can not handle the truth, in fact it is being lied to that makes things harder for the sufferers to deal with. Sit her down and discuss things with her and make sure she understands that unless she wants to sign away her rights to that baby, she isn't to sign ANYTHING her Mom puts in front of her. Get her benefits and her WIC back into her pocket so that she can fund herself and eat and get her set up in your travel trailer and then just offer whatever help you can. The girl and her child deserve a chance and I'm almost certain you are the only person going to give it to them.

You're a lovely aunt :)

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Angela R2009-07-24T15:23:08Z

Your husband is right, you need to explain the situation to her and tell her everything her mother has been saying and her "plan" to trick her into giving her baby to them. Even if this will be difficult for her to hear, if you don't tell her what's really going on then she may still fall for her mother's lies, and then there'll be little you can do to help.

I think it's great that want to help her and allow her to stay with her until she can get housing, but the most important thing you can do is let her know what's really going on so she doesn't get taken advantage of. Your husband is also right that this will probably end your friendship with her parents, but honestly, do you really want to continue to be friends with people who would do something like this to their daughter with no remorse.

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Tired and Cranky2009-07-24T07:21:05Z

no matter what you do in this situation you are more then likely going to loose the 'parents' as your friends. if you take in the girl and help her and get her to keep her baby then the mother will hate you, if you simply tell the girl what her parents are doing and saying then the mother will hate you. as long as you don't mind loosing their friendship i would say talk to the girl, tell her what's going on and then let her know that she has the option to stay with you.
i personally wouldn't care what those parents thought of me (if you were to tell the girl everything and let her stay with you) sounds to me like they are a bit crazy... i mean it's not right to try and steal your own daughters baby.
anyway, no matter which way you cut it SOMEONE is going to get hurt here. i PERSONALLY would talk to this girl and give her the option to stay with me however i would make sure she knows what her mother is up to. i would be more concerned about the 18 yr old pregnant girl then anything else. the girl is still just a child with a baby on the way and that would be my priority. good luck

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Just a Mom2009-07-24T07:30:33Z

Mindi, I really think that even if all hell breaks loose, you need to help this girl. I understand your heartache about that because I have friends who I don't understand much anymore, but have been there since junior high, so I put up with them. However, this is a matter of two lives: the young mother and her baby. It shouldn't be legal for her mother to be lying to her the way she is. I can't wrap my mind around it.

I think you should help her in the way you are planning. Stay strong and know that you are probably going to lose the grandparents as friends, but the bigger picture here is that this girl needs her "Aunt Mindi" much more than they need you as a friend.

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