Question for the adoptive parents, first parents and adoptees?
What roles do you feel adoptive parents have in reunification? Is this age dependant? Adoptees, did you include your adoptive parents in the process or hide it from them out of fear of how they would react? First parents, did you want to meet the adoptive parents when your children found you? When you met with your bio fam, did you want your adoptive parents with you? Did they wait to share any info they had at 18 or how did you get it? If you didn't want your first parents there, how did they react to it? Did they help you search? How did your first family react to the request to have your adoptive parents there if that was what you wanted? Was it too personal and something you had to do yourself? If you had both sets there, what happened? I propose that there is not one right set of answers here but many so please no judgements. I am looking for respectful diversity of answers here for discussion the board. Roles and feelings can be complicated.
Anonymous2009-08-18T10:05:37Z
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I was removed from my birth parents when I was five. I was adopted when I was eight. I always knew that I was adopted and spent all my childhood days thinking about them. My adoptive family gave me a great home, but I always yearned for my birth parents. When I was 24, I finally took the steps to locate them. I felt as though the first reunion should be by myself. I did not want anyone to feel uncomfortable. I learned so much through this experience. My birth mom really did not want me to be part of her life. This hurt so bad since I yearned so much for her affection and acceptance. My birth dad was really excited to see me. We had a wonderful reunion. He answered many question that my birth mom could not or would not answer. I told my adoptive parents prior to locating both my birth parents. They were very concerned about the possible heartache I may endure if they were to reject me. I cried over my birth mom's rejection, but was elated over my birth dad's acceptance. I was able to finally let go of so many mixed emotions that I once had. I have never tried to contact my birth mom again. I left her my phone number and address, in case she changed her mind. She has never contacted me. I am still in contact with my birth dad. My adoptive family was very understanding of my need to have him a part of my life. If you are contemplating meeting your birth family, go into it with an open mind. Be ready for rejection. I hope it does not happen, but I know to well that it can.
I'll speak re: my own reunion and in general transracial adoption since I am not knowledgeable about domestic adoptees.
What roles do you feel adoptive parents have in reunification?
I think they should be supportive and understanding. They obviously can't understand all the emotions associated but should give their adult adoptee some space to process the transition.
Is this age dependant?
Depends on the adoption circumstances and the age of the adoptee.
Adoptees, did you include your adoptive parents in the process or hide it from them out of fear of how they would react?
I definitely included them. I needed their support because I wasn't sure how to contact a "ghost family" from the opposite side of the globe.
First parents, did you want to meet the adoptive parents when your children found you?
Mine do. Whether or not it actually happens 2, 5, or 10 years from now... can't say.
When you met with your bio fam, did you want your adoptive parents with you?
At first I thought it would be better that way. But then, as time went on and it became clear how difficult the barrier was and the visitation arrangements (plus the travel costs), we decided that I'd go [with a bilingual acquaintance] back and see them - learn the lifestyle, get an idea of how things worked over there and that way I'd be more prepared for future trips. I'd have a lot to deal with, let alone trying to "bridge" the gap between both sets of parents.
Did they wait to share any info they had at 18 or how did you get it?
I'm a TRA so the legality age didn't have anything to do with my decision. It was mainly my graduation which inspired me to "search." It took me another 3 years to gather the courage to head overseas.
If you didn't want your first parents there, how did they react to it?
My first parents? Do you mean my adoptive parents? If so - they completely understood and thought it would be best if I figured things out on my own and got a good impression of the lifestyle and how my survival language skills would assist me before returning to "bridge" the gap.
Did they help you search?
Yep.
How did your first family react to the request to have your adoptive parents there if that was what you wanted?
They still want to meet. Maybe in the future it'll definitely be possible, but for now, who knows what would happen.
Was it too personal and something you had to do yourself?
It was best to go solo, yes.
The moment I stepped off the plane, my stomach was a mixture of excitement and dread. Then to my surprise, my father and sibling had already arrived and were walking throughout the airport terminal to find me. I could not communicate and my acquaintance had to take over from that point. I was so frightened that I honestly just wanted to crawl back into the airport and cry. I didn't know what to say or what I would do.
Then, after about an extremely awkward 45 minutes in the car, my acquaintance was dropped off at her relative's house and reality hit me like a brick wall. The only reason I didn't succumb into a human waterfall is because I didn't want to make things any more awkward than they already were, and I didn't want to make them panic. Also, I was trying desperately to pull myself together because I obviously couldn't crawl back into the airport and return to Canada - I had to DO something and get my survival skills ready.
Once I got into their residence the fear almost completely dissipated.
I did not include my parents in the search....but I am in my forties so it isn't quite the same as searching when you are 18.
I would have liked for my parents to have encouraged my curiosity and to have supported a search when I was younger. I was too afraid of hurting them. Had they given me the message that searching was normal, and healthy I would have felt less apt to hide my desire to search. It would have been nice if they shared my own curiosity. Afterall, I am their daughter. I had a hard time figuring out why they weren't curious about my origins. I don't blame them.....it was a different time back then. They were told none of this mattered.
I'm hoping to meet my bio family in the near future and I feel for the first time it is best to meet them alone. Once we navigate the complex emotions and difficult discussions then I feel I can bring other family members into the fold. Right now, it feels so personal. I do appreciate the support and curiosity from those who know about it though.
Wow. Lots of questions! Well, I personally feel the aparent's role is whatever the adoptee wants it to be.
I was very open with my parents about beginning reunion. They have been very supportive through the process.
I did not have my parents come when I first met my bio-family. I tend to be hypersensitive to their emotions and I didn't want to have to be distracted by worrying about how they were handling things. I really wanted to be able to focus on what --I-- was feeling. Now, having done it, I wish I could have had them there for the last day (it was a 3 day thing). Everyone really wanted to meet them and I was settled enough at that point that I would have been fine with them there.
As an adoptive parent I think it's our role to be honest from the get go...age appropriate of course.
By doing that and answering ALL questions, no matter how uncomfortable, along the way...by the time they ask for a deeper relationship with their bio parents (our son has had visits with his bio mom), then they are hopefully ready to make that step.
It's our job to make sure he can handle all the possibilities and possible disappointments and then be a part of the process WITH him if he desires. By that point, I hope he will realize he doesn't need to pick or worry about losing our love.
I do believe there has to be a certain reasonable age for an assisted reunification or greater contact. For example, in our case, a deeper relationship will be made possible in teens probably, but not before. After that...it's his call.
Since he already has contact and will for as long as his bio mom wants it, the relationship will grow from that but there will be no sleepovers and unsupervised visits until he is in his teens.