Question for the adoptive parents, first parents and adoptees?

I was removed from my birth parents when I was five. I was adopted when I was eight. I always knew that I was adopted and spent all my childhood days thinking about them. My adoptive family gave me a great home, but I always yearned for my birth parents. When I was 24, I finally took the steps to locate them. I felt as though the first reunion should be by myself. I did not want anyone to feel uncomfortable. I learned so much through this experience. My birth mom really did not want me to be part of her life. This hurt so bad since I yearned so much for her affection and acceptance. My birth dad was really excited to see me. We had a wonderful reunion. He answered many question that my birth mom could not or would not answer. I told my adoptive parents prior to locating both my birth parents. They were very concerned about the possible heartache I may endure if they were to reject me. I cried over my birth mom's rejection, but was elated over my birth dad's acceptance. I was able to finally let go of so many mixed emotions that I once had. I have never tried to contact my birth mom again. I left her my phone number and address, in case she changed her mind. She has never contacted me. I am still in contact with my birth dad. My adoptive family was very understanding of my need to have him a part of my life. If you are contemplating meeting your birth family, go into it with an open mind. Be ready for rejection. I hope it does not happen, but I know to well that it can.

I'll speak re: my own reunion and in general transracial adoption since I am not knowledgeable about domestic adoptees.

What roles do you feel adoptive parents have in reunification?

I think they should be supportive and understanding. They obviously can't understand all the emotions associated but should give their adult adoptee some space to process the transition.

Is this age dependant?

Depends on the adoption circumstances and the age of the adoptee.

Adoptees, did you include your adoptive parents in the process or hide it from them out of fear of how they would react?

I definitely included them. I needed their support because I wasn't sure how to contact a "ghost family" from the opposite side of the globe.

First parents, did you want to meet the adoptive parents when your children found you?

Mine do. Whether or not it actually happens 2, 5, or 10 years from now... can't say.

When you met with your bio fam, did you want your adoptive parents with you?

At first I thought it would be better that way. But then, as time went on and it became clear how difficult the barrier was and the visitation arrangements (plus the travel costs), we decided that I'd go [with a bilingual acquaintance] back and see them - learn the lifestyle, get an idea of how things worked over there and that way I'd be more prepared for future trips. I'd have a lot to deal with, let alone trying to "bridge" the gap between both sets of parents.

Did they wait to share any info they had at 18 or how did you get it?

I'm a TRA so the legality age didn't have anything to do with my decision. It was mainly my graduation which inspired me to "search." It took me another 3 years to gather the courage to head overseas.

If you didn't want your first parents there, how did they react to it?

My first parents? Do you mean my adoptive parents? If so - they completely understood and thought it would be best if I figured things out on my own and got a good impression of the lifestyle and how my survival language skills would assist me before returning to "bridge" the gap.

Did they help you search?

Yep.

How did your first family react to the request to have your adoptive parents there if that was what you wanted?

They still want to meet. Maybe in the future it'll definitely be possible, but for now, who knows what would happen.

Was it too personal and something you had to do yourself?

It was best to go solo, yes.

The moment I stepped off the plane, my stomach was a mixture of excitement and dread. Then to my surprise, my father and sibling had already arrived and were walking throughout the airport terminal to find me. I could not communicate and my acquaintance had to take over from that point. I was so frightened that I honestly just wanted to crawl back into the airport and cry. I didn't know what to say or what I would do.

Then, after about an extremely awkward 45 minutes in the car, my acquaintance was dropped off at her relative's house and reality hit me like a brick wall. The only reason I didn't succumb into a human waterfall is because I didn't want to make things any more awkward than they already were, and I didn't want to make them panic. Also, I was trying desperately to pull myself together because I obviously couldn't crawl back into the airport and return to Canada - I had to DO something and get my survival skills ready.

Once I got into their residence the fear almost completely dissipated.

If you had both sets there, what happened?

N/A

I did not include my parents in the search....but I am in my forties so it isn't quite the same as searching when you are 18.

I would have liked for my parents to have encouraged my curiosity and to have supported a search when I was younger. I was too afraid of hurting them. Had they given me the message that searching was normal, and healthy I would have felt less apt to hide my desire to search. It would have been nice if they shared my own curiosity. Afterall, I am their daughter. I had a hard time figuring out why they weren't curious about my origins. I don't blame them.....it was a different time back then. They were told none of this mattered.

I'm hoping to meet my bio family in the near future and I feel for the first time it is best to meet them alone. Once we navigate the complex emotions and difficult discussions then I feel I can bring other family members into the fold. Right now, it feels so personal. I do appreciate the support and curiosity from those who know about it though.

Wow. Lots of questions! Well, I personally feel the aparent's role is whatever the adoptee wants it to be.

I was very open with my parents about beginning reunion. They have been very supportive through the process.

I did not have my parents come when I first met my bio-family. I tend to be hypersensitive to their emotions and I didn't want to have to be distracted by worrying about how they were handling things. I really wanted to be able to focus on what --I-- was feeling. Now, having done it, I wish I could have had them there for the last day (it was a 3 day thing). Everyone really wanted to meet them and I was settled enough at that point that I would have been fine with them there.

As an adoptive parent I think it's our role to be honest from the get go...age appropriate of course.

By doing that and answering ALL questions, no matter how uncomfortable, along the way...by the time they ask for a deeper relationship with their bio parents (our son has had visits with his bio mom), then they are hopefully ready to make that step.

It's our job to make sure he can handle all the possibilities and possible disappointments and then be a part of the process WITH him if he desires. By that point, I hope he will realize he doesn't need to pick or worry about losing our love.

I do believe there has to be a certain reasonable age for an assisted reunification or greater contact. For example, in our case, a deeper relationship will be made possible in teens probably, but not before. After that...it's his call.

Since he already has contact and will for as long as his bio mom wants it, the relationship will grow from that but there will be no sleepovers and unsupervised visits until he is in his teens.

What roles do you feel adoptive parents have in reunification? Is this age dependant?

It would depend upon the parents and their attitude. Yes, it would be age dependent. In a perfect world, parents would help the child do this at as young of an age as possible. (Safety concerns, etc.)

Adoptees, did you include your adoptive parents in the process or hide it from them out of fear of how they would react?

My amom was dead. She would have wanted to have been included. My adad didn't want to know. I didn't hide it from him; I just didn't include him.

When you met with your bio fam, did you want your adoptive parents with you? No.

Did they wait to share any info they had at 18 or how did you get it?

Hmm. My ap's always knew her name. My amom told me that she knew, and that she would share the info when I turned 18. She didn't live that long. She did tell me my mother's first name when I was 13. It took some long-term interrogation, but she did finally relent. My adad wasn't so sure he wanted me to know. He did tell me her surname when I was 18 or 19. He did not know mom already told me her first name. He also mispronounced it. Fortunately, it's an unusual name, and the name he gave me does not exist. The agency told me she was from a small town in the same state where I was born and raised. I sat at the library and searched through every single phone book in the state until I had it narrowed down to 12 names. Ten of them were in one county. I went to the library in that county, and I found her in her highschool yearbook. At that point, there was no doubt whatsoever this was the right person and the right place. I also found her listed in her mother's obituary. My grandpa still lived a few blocks away, so I drove over and knocked on his door. As the years passed, my adad gave me the adoption papers as mom had promised, but it took him several years to decide to do this.

If you didn't want your first parents there, how did they react to it?

Dad asked if this meant that I would end my relationship with him.

Did they help you search? No. But in all fairness, I believe my amom would have helped had she been alive.

Was it too personal and something you had to do yourself?

It was just something I did. I did not allow myself to think about it. I did not allow myself to question how to do it. I just determined to do it, and I did it.

I think part of my role is to talk positively about their First mom, and discuss that when they are older they are free to develop a relationshiop with her, but that right now the courts (and we agree) that it is not good for them to have a relationship with her. (they were adopted from foster care and were severely neglected) When they ask why they were adopted we only state that their First mom was unable to parent them. We leave the rest out. When they are old enough, they can look through the court documents etc.

I also decided to meet anually with the First mom. This was not court ordered, but I feel part of my role is understanding where my children come from, and also feel there is a connection to this woman, who yes was not a "good parent" even after interventions from CAS, but who herself was not given opportunities to succeed in life.

So my part is to not kill that connection. When they are older, sure it would be great to all be friends etc. but I don't know how I will feel when they are in relationship with her. My hope is that she will be more healthy, but that is not a guarantee. My role then is to be supportive for the kids, and not to interfere with that relationship.

Well, speaking as a fost/adopt, soon to be adoptive parent, I would like, if possible, to maintain any safe ties to my children's biological family. However, this has to take their safety into consideration FIRST. Ideally though, I'd like to prevent the necessity to search.

That said, if a search was to be necessary, I would be wholly supportive, and would be happy to do anything I could to help them in THEIR journey when they are old enough to be safe (again, we're dealing with foster care, here). It should never be forgotten that their search and relationship with their first family has nothing to do with me once they are no longer a vulnerable child. If they want me there as support, I'm there. If not, cool. They have to do what makes sense for them. I'm their parent, not their "handler".

What roles do you feel adoptive parents have in reunification?

In my reunion -- none. That is because I am the adoptee and I didn't want them involved... of course, that was not how I always felt. There was a time when I wanted my a-mom to be there when I met my natural mother/father/parents.

Is this age dependant?

For me it was. As I got older my feelings changed from wanting them (APs) with me, to wanting them informed, to wanting them not to even know until the first meeting had happened AND I felt comfortable telling them (I didn't quite make it but I came close). I reunited with my natural mom when I was 32 and my a-parents hadn't been involved in almost ANY part of my life so 'injecting' them into reunion would have been fake and forced.

Adoptees, did you include your adoptive parents in the process or hide it from them out of fear of how they would react?

I did not 'include' them but I didn't 'hide' it from them either -- on the contrary, I had regularly declared my intentions to find and know my natural parents since I was 14 years old (or possibly younger... that's when I vividly remember telling them almost every day). It was not out of fear of their reaction that I excluded them, it was not WANTING them involved.

When you met with your bio fam, did you want your adoptive parents with you?

Not when I actually did it. When I was younger, I had wanted that -- or thought I wanted that -- but as I got older and wiser, I realized it didn't have anything to do with them and I DIDN'T want their input or even 'observation'. Still later, I realized that my mom probably wouldn't want them there, either. This occurred to me when I realized that I was probably a lot like her and that was how *I* felt.

Did they wait to share any info they had at 18 or how did you get it?

They *wanted* to wait but I went snooping and discovered a lot of information about myself and my adoption when I was 14. In addition, I found that THEY didn't have as much information as they claimed they had. I believe they were trying to maintain 'power' in my life and assert control over me. I can't think of another reason they would claim they had/knew more than they actually did.

If you didn't want your [adoptive] parents there, how did they react to it?

I changed the question to 'adoptive' because I assume that's what you meant. First parents would have to be involved in reunion... as they are one-half of those who are reuniting.

Honestly, I don't really remember them having any particular reaction. What was going on (or not) inside their heads I can't possibly guess but the outward response was, "Oh, that's nice." I never told them I didn't want them there and I never asked if they wanted to be there -- being there was NOT an option for them -- because they were not invited. I didn't ask how they felt either. I just told them, "I'm going to [different city about 1,000 miles away] tomorrow to meet my mom and spend the long weekend with her." They looked at my husband as if he had any say (he knew better than to say anything. :-)) and then asked me, "How do you expect to pay for that?" I told them the truth -- SHE paid for everything... absolutely EVERYTHING!

Did they help you search?

No. They always *told* me they would help but they never did. First it was "when you're 18", then it was "when you're 21", then it was "after you finish school (college)", then "maybe after you're married". I was married when I reunited with my natural mom... for just shy of two months. One of our greatest mutual heartbreaks is that she wasn't able to attend my wedding... made worse by the fact that it was *just soooo close*.

How did your first family react to the request to have your adoptive parents there if that was what you wanted?

N/A

My mom didn't want my APs there (as I had suspected before we found each other) and, so nobody thinks that was insecurity-related, she didn't want any of the rest of our/her family there, either. "Our family" meaning my siblings, etc. and "her family" meaning her husband and step-sons (who I totally claim as MINE now, too). We agreed that it would be too overwhelming to have anyone else there... each 'side' gawking and pawing at the "novelty" of the 'new' person. We BOTH wanted it to be us alone... that's why we both left our homes and met in a neutral city. And, yes, even though I had not yet been married a year, I left hubby at home to spend all my time with, and focus on, my mom.

Was it too personal and something you had to do yourself?

Yes.

My daughter did not hide her search

she did not include her parents

We did meet but not right away

We like each other very much

They understand her better

but were afraid of losing her to me.

It is personal