FlyingMonkeySwatter

as being the ones to encourage the sentiment that a mother who has given up her parental rights "should just move on." Most adoptive parents I know unless there were any abuse, drugs or alcohol involved don't feel that way. So, what does an adoptive parent do on behalf of their child in the case of a natural mother in an open adoption who is the one saying no more pics and no more contact because "I'd rather just move on?" I personally think this sentiment is far more common that people will acknowledge.

to their child? What do they owe the first family? I am not talking $..just in general.

I am wondering how people feel about minor children on facebook, chat and gaming sites etc being contacted blindly by their blood relatives that they haven't been introduced to? Many on here have stated it isn't the adoptive parents business. As a PARENT of a child--adopted or not-I think it is 100% my business to know and understand the intent behind any adult reaching out to my child and why--even within our own immediate family. Call me protective-I will not apologize for it. We have an open adoption but there are relatives that neither my daughters bio mother or myself would probably appreciate contacting my children. It would likely be terrifying. A more innocent contact with in the family we were ok with was with a relative who contacted my 12 YO via an online gaming site and they spoke to him about items related to the adoption that were not age appropriate asking questions --he was clearly wierded out and devastated.

The reason why I ask is I've been reading up on situation that turned out great--and then others I know personally where an extended blood relative reached out to an unstable youth which lead to a suicide (I fully realize this wasn't the intent of the blood relatives). I have said many times especially when minors are involved that reunion should include the adoptive parents and I've gotten jumped on pretty hard about it. I am not against contact. But I am against any contact where an adult tells someone who is a minor that it needs to be hidden-it makes me question intent. I also realize there is needed privacy and I won't and shouldn't be central to their relationship.

Our daughters mom is a very loving and very sweet woman who I've enjoyed getting to know. She's had challenges and I do worry about her all of the time. She lives nearly 1500 miles away but we have had a very open adoption. There has been no response to emails phone calls nothing for nearly two months. What would you do? Primarily on here I read about Moms who have surrendered children who have adoptive parents who go dark or don't respond.

I spoke at length to my husband last night. He's a great guy but basically he's like..move on. I feel committed to continuing to send pictures, video and letters even with no response. I am just sad not nec for me though I feel very worried about her--but that I hope she's ok for our daughters sake I guess what I am looking for is for others to validate their experiences from all points of view so I can try to figure out what's going on. I do have contact info for her other family members however, the relationships between her and her fam were not good so I don't feel it is my place to contact them just to see if she's ok.

I've read quite a bit on here and elsewhere about pregnant woman who either want to hide their prospective adoptions from the fathers or others who lament that the potential fathers to be "abandoned" them during pregnancy so they want to keep the father away from the kids after they are born. Are these dad's getting short changed out of father hood because the mom can't sep their relationship with the father with the relationship the father has to the child?

Would adoption not be as common if the fathers "pretended" and stayed in the relationship for access to the child since Mom is then gatekeeper--or is the mom in the wrong from not being able to make the differentiation? I am not looking to make anyone the bad guy--it just seems like many woman seem to pursue the adoption once the male doesn't want the primary relationship with them.

I've read plenty lately about how some kids "hide" their adoption. If you did hide it growing up, did you continue that practice into your dating years, adulthood, etc? Who did you tell growing up and why?

I read another article about funding being cut for support of kids who are aging out of the system. Are there resources or programs that people can refer me to consider donating time/money to that are devoted to support kids who age out? It just seems like so many...too many...people let these kids down and their future is not a bright one.

So we have a 15 month old that my parents adore. They ask for her to stay at their house all of the time. Here's my issue and question: they ask us to buy things in duplicate to keep at their house like highchairs, car seats, play pens. When I bring things over in the baby bag they basically scavenge everything out of the bag diapers, wipes and everything else and then ask for me to buy more which they keep there. My daughter has not outgrown the car seat we did give them and personally--I feel like if they want to have her over (keep in mind I am not asking them to babysit)they can either use ours or buy one for themselves. My mom got very upset. What do you think? It isn't that they are poor or on a fixed income. Am I wrong?

How many adoptees here can discuss their birth order experiences (both in adoptive and biological if in an open adoption or reunited) and sibling experiences/surprises and how any bio children play into their adoptive birth order and how ? I guess what I am asking if for example you grew up an only child or the eldest and then found you were the youngest in a large sibling group what was your reaction to it. I am also asking if any adoptees here was a middle child of an adoptive family who had bio children already and went on to have more bio children. Am totally open to hearing about any permutation on above as well and your thoughts and experiences on it.

I've read so much about psychology and birth order but that can be a complicated topic and as an adult finding you were the oldest and then finding out you were actually the youngest could be odd to say the least.

I've also read quite a bit and the general advice is don't adopt out of birth order for various reasons. We aren't but was curious what others experiences were on this topic and opinions.

It dawns on me as I read through the historical Q and A on here that the definition of family very much depends on who is answering the question. I often read adoped people here say they have two families and 4 parents. I also read that sometimes people don't recognize their adopters as family and then others who say they don't think of their blood relationships as family at all. I looked up the legal definitions by country to get some points of reference which were also interesting.

So what's your definition of family? Why? If you feel that you have four parents--doesn't that make them family to each other as well? Why or why not? I always think people are compartmentalizing or are in avoidance when they say their adoptive parents and biological parents have nothing to do with each other or they purposefully keep them seperate. Why would someone feel it is important to do that?

We have an adopted daughter. My mom - my daughter's adopted grandmother--and my daughter obviously love each other to pieces. However my mom says things like,"Well, she's a great dancer...she definately didn't get from Grandpa's side of the family" or "she has her mom's happy eyes" in reference to myself and other items like that. My best friend and I have talked about it and she thinks that it is my mom's way of accepting her and to let it go...I think I hate it and while not interested in punishing anyone I've said--she looks exactly like her biomom....and she freezes and I can tell doesn't like being reminded of the adoption.

Opinions?

Question: I have a friend who is an adoptive parent who agreed up front as part of their adoption to supply pictures and letters twice a year in a semi-open adoption. After 13 years she's is consistent about the the pics and letters. When her daughter was 4 she received a letter back but she hasn't gotten any communication in 9 years. She recently heard from the agency that the natural mother is requesting two-way direct communication/letters with the daughter with out any communication having to go through the parents since the daughter has turned into a teenager. She asked my advice on thoughts about the situation and in turn I thought I'd ask the community here.

Just a question for the group. I, like others here, participate in other forums. Some interesting things I've wanted to ask that apply to several generations or different types of adoption-for first parents, upon reuniting if you found the aparents had divorced, lost jobs, died etc--did you see that as the AP's "lying" or not doing right by the child? For adoptive parents in open to semi open adoptions, how much personal info do you give? One first mom said it should be mandatory for AP's to give up their social security numbers (no way-just my opinon). In a semi to very open adoption, if you are an AP going through a divorce, bankruptcy, moving, going on mission work for several months--how much of that do you feel obligated to share? Firstparents, in a open to semi open adoption, if you found out that the AP's divorced, moved, died etc but didn't tell you or told you after the fact--what is your reaction? Do you expect to get that info?

All of the agencies are saying they do almost 100% open adoptions and yet little to no education is done on the topic for natural parents who are considering surrendering or for adoptive parents. Open adoptions are very painful topic for many people as evidenced on these boards.. Trying to set a legally enforceable agreement about how much contact will occur between natural parents—and adoptive family is extremely hard to make and very rarely something that is legally enforceable.

I've reread some posts on here. Some questions:

How much education should be required for all parties?

Who supplies it?

What should be enforceable and how?

How is that agreement flexible enough to account for all parties over time?

After rereading on the topic, lives will unfold very differently over time. While I believe intentions are pure to begin with, it is unknown at the time of the child’s birth both short and long term how everyone will feel. Beyond logistics—there are money and time issues, illness, divorce, other children being born not to mention emotions etc. There is the fluid and very real unknown of how everyone, the child included—will feel over time and many claim it is impossible to capture that in a legal doc. There are statements of intent and good will on all parties that I've seen but they aren't worth much. Any thoughts?

I am not talking just about family or boyfriends, husbands etc. I mean in general. I saw the mother of a 14 year old hacked on here pretty hard because she didn't believe her daughter was able to parent a child. It begged the question of what people here consider supporting the prospective mother (not just underage). Is it short term until she gets on her feet and self reliant kind of support of full blown because I am relation or I am going to financially and emotionally support everyone kind of commit for as long as everyone uses it that everyone is looking for? Is tough love or a stiff dose of reality ever appropriate?

I personally think the male potential father role or lack there of is probably the single biggest factor in why people give up or keep their children. We spend so much time villifying AP's as the primary cause of coercion, but I truly believe the male role has far more role in coercion than any of us talk about. I also think the pregnancy is also the biggest carrot or stick that women use to try keep or dump the guy--the staying together and the parenting choices are highly unrelated in my own mind. I've also seen here quite often where if the guy doesn't want to stay together with the pregnant woman that it means they shouldn't be allowed to parent or some how that disqualifies him as a parent. Does support of the pregnancy mean they have to stay together with the woman during the pregnancy? Opinions?

So there was someone here who pointed us all to another forum saying the adoptive father was only trying to delve into a surrendering mothers sexual history through the court system because of his curiosity. I think I speak for most adoptive parents that no one would go that far to satisfy their curiosity about a stranger for the soul purpose of curiosity. So does privacy for the surrendering mother trump not providing the truth to the child? I totally disagreed that anyone gave two hoots of who slept with who--most of us could really care less and the only intent on finding out or pushing for a natural fathers identification isn't to delve between the sheets of anyone. I want my child to have her truth. I want to provide a father his rights. My question is who's information and truth is parental history--the children's, the surrendering mothers or is it the adoptive parents responsibility to seek this out? Or is it soully to their children to fight for their truth when they are old enough? I was emailed privately saying that "the truth" was between the surrendering mother and the child upon reunion only. I beg to differ at least until adulthood--I was given the responsibility to provide answers and guidance and answering my child's questions and I expect quite a few of them as she gets older. I tried hard to get as much information as I could and have maintained an open adoption. I also made sure we have everything well documented so as to leave anything up to interpretation so no one gets creative with the truth later on.

I am just curious what others have done or what can even be legally represented. My daughter is adopted...her mother has in all of her paperwork on her background identified her a one primary ethnic background. She was raped and this information is included in all of the documentation we have as part of the information we have. However, our daughters appearance looks nothing like her ethnic documentation suggests and after she was born her mother said it was highly unlikely with the timing the crime occured that her attacker was the father. However all of her documentation remains the same. I've saved everything for my daughter so she can have it at a later date. This question has two parts: how do we approach this topic when she's older (if )she wasn't conceived in rape, do we include it in the information we share about her mother and what we know about the father before she reads her documentation and is it relevant if her mother shared it isn't likely? I've also read about contested college scholarship opportunities when ethnicity has been in question, and how much controversy surrounds documentation accuracy in adoptions etc...

We are involved in an adoption we are trying to keep open and I truly care about her mother. These topics are not "light" and I feel this was an intense and horrifying several years for her mother and I hesitate approaching the topic with her but I also feel like the information should be as accurate as possible for our daughter. It is apparent that our daughter is a reminder of a bad place in her life and while we love to talk--she really doesn't like to talk about our daughter.

Any suggestions?

What roles do you feel adoptive parents have in reunification? Is this age dependant? Adoptees, did you include your adoptive parents in the process or hide it from them out of fear of how they would react? First parents, did you want to meet the adoptive parents when your children found you? When you met with your bio fam, did you want your adoptive parents with you? Did they wait to share any info they had at 18 or how did you get it? If you didn't want your first parents there, how did they react to it? Did they help you search? How did your first family react to the request to have your adoptive parents there if that was what you wanted? Was it too personal and something you had to do yourself? If you had both sets there, what happened? I propose that there is not one right set of answers here but many so please no judgements. I am looking for respectful diversity of answers here for discussion the board. Roles and feelings can be complicated.

Why do certain "parties" in the adoption section go after each other? Frankly--adoption couldn't happen with all parties being involved under what all parties would not consider ideal...but in some circumstances it is the best outcome of many not great options. Why the bullying?

Our nanny has two small children...one school age and the other in pre-school who come to our house when she watches my two kids...my youngest is 4 months old. Her two daughters kiss my baby on the lips. My son has had our "no germ" and wash your hands around the baby drilled into him and told the two kids not to kiss our baby on the lips and the nanny has scolded him for it. One of the reasons I have the nanny rather than day care is so our baby isn't sharing germy toys and getting exposed to so many sick children that others bring in. On the other hand, babies need all of the love and affection they can get. I am not losing sleep over it and I'd rather have our baby kissed than not. Thought I would weigh in and get some thoughts.