Semi-open adoption preferences question?

If it were me, I'd agree to contact, but only through me.

Unsupervised contact - no. Not until she's 18.

I think it's a parents right and responsiblity to poke their noses into their kids business. ALL their kids business. Email accounts, all the social networking accounts, school work, home work, drawers, closets, lockers - all subject to random search and seizure until 18.

Basically, I don't discriminate. ALL correspondence my child engages in will be read - and commented on - by me. My kids will know this from day one and if they have a problem with it, well they can just turn 18 and move away.

The natural mother took herself out of the parenting equation. She has no right to decide when she can walk back in and start making decisions. Yes, contact is good. Barging in whenever you please and making demands is not.

I'd suggest a phone call at first, with adoptive parents knowing what the first mom is saying, or at least have the meeting at a place, such as a counselor or attorney's office where there's some 3rd party protection for the child. I'd also suggest that the first parents and the adoptive parents talk ahead of time, and set some ground rules about talking about the other party. The only way this situation will work of having the daughter and the first mom together is for all to have the best interests of the child at heart.

My main question would be to ask why communications were stopped in the first place. A child's life is nothing to play yo-yo with. For a first mom to cut off communications for 9 years, even though the adoptive parents were sending letters and pictures sounds a little unsteady. As an adoptive mom, I wouldn't allow a stranger to have direct contact with my child without me, and to this daughter, the first mom is a stranger in ways because of the lack of contact. I wouldn't even leave my child with my cousins or other relatives that I hadn't seen in that many years, much less someone who'd stopped contact in an adoption situation.

Overall, I think I'd gradually work into a relationship with all the family members-both adoptive and first parents-working together. Just like dating in a way, it takes time to build a relationship, to build trust, and to get to know other people. The results if the meeting didn't go well, and the first mom abandons the daughter's feelings all over again after reunification could be disastrous, and I think there needs to be some supervision. A 13 year old teen doesn't have the confidence levels built up to defend themselves, their family situation, and they don't have life's experiences enough to be able to stand up for themselves and ask questions. They need an advocate on their side in the situation that isn't the first mom.

Also, if all agree, perhaps their first communications alone should be through email or myspace or facebook, where there is a "paper-trail" and the communication could be checked by the parent in the event the daughter is upset over something that the first mom says.

Hopefully, all the persons in this triad can work together for the sake of the daughter. It's going to take time, love, and tenderness to build the trust again. Also, if the daughter has been through some life changes in the last few years, such as school changes, moves, home changes, deaths, divorce, etc, then the initial contacts might need more time than normal, and schoolwork and such needs to be closely monitored, so she doesn't harbor some problems.

I think that the daughter should be allowed contact with her biological mother.

However, after nine years of silence and given the child is a minor, I think contact should be supervised for the first few visits (if visits are part of the agreement,) and letters should go through the parents initially. As I would say in any relationship a thirteen-year-old was embarking on-- parents need to be alert and involved, period. If all seems well and Mom relates appropriately to the child, after a few interactions I think unsupervised contact is fine if the child is willing.

I just think that there should be a transition process, since the daughter hasn't even heard from her biological mother in such a long time. If Mom has no wrong intentions with this sudden reappearance (she likely doesn't, she probably just misses her daughter,) she shouldn't have any problem demonstrating that. After all, wouldn't she have just as much concern for her child if the positions were reversed, and someone else abruptly appeared back in her child's life after an extended unexplained absence?

So I would say...

Contact: Yes.

Unsupervised contact immediately: No.

Unsupervised contact after a reasonable period of transition: Yes.

Therapy for the child during the whole process: Definitely.

ETA: For the record, I would say the same thing about ANY person who disappeared from the child's life for nearly a decade and wanted to return while the child remained a minor. Including my OWN family if applicable. It's not a biological mother thing-- it's an emotional and physical safety thing with anyone whose actions we aren't familiar with. Nine years on, there's a process of getting to know each other again, and that process shouldn't be rushed or forced.

At this point, Mom is someone you don't know. She IS someone it would be good for your daughter to have a relationship with, so don't cut her off. But the trust that has gotten lost in the last nine years has to be rebuilt.

i have not study the different of the solutions right here, and am responding on on your question as well because the "further information" you provide. i'm an adoptive mom myself. Please, lower than no circumstances enter right into a semi-open or open adoption relationship that you do not have any target of conserving open. in simple terms please do not. it really is glaring out of your better information that you've such contempt for a first mom, that extremely you do not have any target of following by nor seeing the great aspect about any style of openness. second, in case you opt on to proceed with adoption on your destiny (although i do not comprehend why you extremely decide on to proceed, given your blanket emotions about the dad and mom of your destiny toddler, sight unseen), hit upon a way now to not poison your toddler adverse to their own history and beginnings. in spite of the undeniable fact that you've faith, it surely would not help a baby (who's made out of their organic and organic dad and mom!) to trust that they are poor and incapable by way of their very nature. finally your toddler will discover his or her dad and mom and comprehend that you lied to get a placement and that is going to backfire. I promise. Do the right element or do not something in any respect.

I think as a parent you need to tread lightly on this topic. You never want to tell anyone they can't have contact with their birthparents, BUT you do not know the birth mother and this is your daughter- I personally think you have the right to check out what kind of letters she is writing before giving them to your daughter. I mean you have no idea what state of mind the birthmother is in. It will probably be harmless and even helpful to your daughter to get to know her birth mother. You still need to read the letters before handing them over to your daughter. I mean it is up to you to decide whether this is an appropriate relationship or if all the information is appropriate for your 13 year old. Not in a way to keep her from her birth parents, but protect her emotionally. I am an adoptive parent and it is an open adoption. I have had to say no to some things that the birth mother has wanted to do with my kids. We have raised our children differently and that needs to be respected by her (which of course she does) as much as I respect that she is their birth mother. You need to set the tone for this relationship since you know your daughter's state of mind and what she is capable of handling. Just my opinion! good luck.

Absolutely not. She cut off contact before. What's to stop her from doing it again? NO decent, sane person would do what she's done. Frankly, communication would lead to (at best) confusion and hurt for the child about why her birthmother would stay away for nine years, and eventually when she does it again it would be worse. At worst, you're looking at kidnapping, which HAS happened. The child needs to be protected, an contact just isn't worth it. And she must have something to hide if she doesn't want the contact intercepted

I don't see why a child shouldn't be able to have any contact with her biological parents - though some obviously do: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=201004...

As a 13 year old, I was desperate to know who my mom was, although I'd never even seen a picture, nor even knew anything other than her name - and that's more than most get.

If you trust the sense your friend has hopefully been able to instil into her daughter whole she's been raising her, then surely you should trust her daughter, by the age of thirteen, to be able to make such a choice for herself?

Ask the daughter what SHE wants, since this is supposed to be "for the best" for her.