Who's Truth Is it anyways?

My kids have an open adoption. The changes that happened are because adoptee's who are now adults said they wished they were told about their first family as they GREW UP. Not find out after they turned 18yrs old during a search and reunion. Now the only way to do that is for the Aparents to know this information too so we can answer questions to the best of our ability. The suddenly the same adoptees start saying "Its between the first mother/parent and the adoptee..." Can't have it all, not these days. The next generation is different from the way many of you grew up. Adoptive parents know now what was done in the past was wrong. (Most anyway.)

You were heard, why else would this father think to ask for information that he otherwise would have left alone.

So what do you all want for the next generation? They remain in ignorance of their past because suddenly all that information is private so lets lock it away again because opppsss we all meant that we wanted it at 18....or young adoptee's have more choices and questions answered, opportunities if its possible to meet Fparents sooner.

That's the one part that is very confusing...you want Aparents to raise kids openly but...you know butt out at the same time to knowing anything about our kids so we can help them understand their adoption and the things that lead to it.

Just trying to figure out if its just about one Generations needs being met,(Adoptees who are now adults 20+) or has any thought gone into how it affects future generations of adoptee's needs as well and how it has to be handled for it to happen within families.

Your rights have consequences to how its handled for the next generation. And what you say and wanted when you(meaning some adoptee's) grew up is being acted on and yet you call it extreme when another childs Aparent tries to help them?

My take on this is that the biological mother might have falsified the information on the birth certificate which could make the adoption illegal. Doesn't the biological mother have an obligation to be truthful when the adoption took place? Why should she get to hide behind a "MYOB" defense?

The minor children have a right to know who their biological father is and since they are minors, the adoptive parents need to act on their behalf.

The adoptive parents have a right to know whether or not the adoption was done under false pretences and might fall under legal scrutiny if the biological father tries to challenge the adoption.

The biological father deserves to know that he has a child!

Once a woman agrees to the adoption she has an OBLIGATION to be truthful and forthcoming about anything that might call the adoption into legal questioning down the road, ESPECIALLY the identity of the biological father so that he can give consent to the adoption.

Unless there is some compelling reason why the bio-father was not informed, I have no sympathy and don't buy the MYOB defense.

Being grimly realistic, how many of us absolutely KNOW who our fathers are? Unless we happen to look like someone in our father's family, or have some other attribute in common, we only have the word of our mothers as the only parent we absolutely know beyond a shadow of a doubt we have a direct link to, genetically. That is the reason that Jews have their Judaism passed through the Matriarchal branch. Our legal fathers, the names on our birth certificates,and the husbands of our mothers, are not always the men whose seed impregnated them. Some of us found out as we grew up that the men we thought were our fathers, actually were not.

There are numerous reasons why this whole discussion is crap, not the least of which there are so many questions that remain unanswered on the other forum, such as WHY this man wants this information. Up to the last time I checked, he still had not answered any of them. Any other discussions about the specifics are speculation. Nevertheless, I still concur that apars have no right to know the intimate details of this woman's sex life. What if she had the test, and actually NEITHER of the men matched? Then what? Who do you test next? Does she have to give a list of all the other sex partners? Get real!

As an adult, and a parent, you can do whatever you wish about telling the child you are raising anything you want to, but there is nothing wrong with a simple, "I don't know, you will have to ask her."

The man already refused a court ordered DNA test. Why should he go and take one now?

I also agree that the mother, who likely knows, should tell them when they are old enough to ask, or if there is something that arises in the meantime that makes it a necessity. However, I maintain that a woman has the right to protect her sexual history from strangers.

Reading on YA, the posts where Adoptive Parents lay out the intimate details of the parents of the children they adopted, lamenting how sorry they are for "OUR birthmother" and how sad "her poor choices" make them as they detail them on here for all the world to see. In a few years, their children will be reading on here, too. Anyone who knows me in real life knows who I am and they can read my thoughts, as your friends can read yours. Why would any woman expose her innermost secrets so that she can be the topic of discussion on a forum?

I have read your rant above, and the more you say the more we learn about you. Your post seems to show that you are uber-interested in gathering every aspect of information that your adopted child receives so that you can control whether and how she perceives the woman who gave birth to her and then the reunion or the relationship even into your child's adulthood.

Now, then, Chickie, who is the hypocrite?

Sorry but I'm with Sly on this one. If he wants to test the boys to see if they are full siblings fine but to suggest that HE is going to track down potential fathers to test is insane. Also you can't force anyone to give a sample of their DNA if no crime has been commited. The man in question already refused court ordered testing so how do you propose we force this man to submit his DNA against his will? Do you really think his rights are being violated if he is left alone as he obviously wants? The child has a right to his parentage and once he is of legal age he can try to access that right himself.

Ps. Use the email button to voice concerns and encourage debate... your name is foolish.

I didn't answer the other question, but I have been thinking about it since it was posted. I do agree that is important for all adoptions to be opened, and to have identifying information available for all parties in case of medical emergencies if the adoption is NOT open.

In that particular question & situation, I do feel the a Dad was going overboard.

In my case (BSE, closed adoption) my relationship with my found first family is none of my ap's business. Period. If my a p's had bullied my first Mother this way when I was a child, I would have had a HUGE issue with it. I feel very strongly that it is up to the adoptee. Not the ap's, and not the fp's.

Im happy that you have information about your child's first family. BUT- and I dont mean to offend, I have to say that if my a Mom said she "had everything well documented so as to leave anything up to interpretation so no one gets creative with the truth later on", I would laugh at her. That's a bit much, and seems a little controlling, or like you're threatened. Adoptees just don't act like that- we do not pit any of our parents against each other, and by you saying that, it seems like that's what you are doing...or expecting to do. There's no need for it. We figure out how EVERYONE is when we're older, lol.

Of course, children should know who their fathers are. Fathers should be identified.

If they are not, and the mother has not told, then at this point in time I know of no legal way to force a mother to tell.

Children are not yet DNA tested at birth. When they are, then this issue will be a moot point.

I believe that DNA testing for all people will be coming, as a form of ID.

Most people have no proof of who their fathers are. They take their mother's word for it. The name of the man on their birth certificate is the man who is assumed to be their father, but in many cases of contested paternity, it is proven that he is not their father.

My answer to this question is the truth belongs to the adoptee.

My answer to the other question you mention is the same, "I see nothing wrong with the adoptive parents being proactive by trying to find out who the biological father/s are"

Who knows.....down the road when the kids do decide to ask/search the nmom and ndad/s could be gone. Yes, the truth belongs to the adoptee but some folk's here need to give an AP credit for trying to do what's right for his children.

If you are so concerned about 'truth'....tear up that Amended Birth Certificate that was issued for your adopted child, that has you as the person who gave birth to a child, you did not. I think that would be honest starters for 'truth'.

What 'father's rights', if the child is already adopted??? The nfather has no 'rights' once the child is legally adopted.

And no matter how much 'truth' you think you hold...the only person/persons who hold the actual 'truth' of conception and birth...is the natural parents, not you. Document away...still does not prove you have the whole truth and nothing but the truth...you as the adoptive parent can never really know, no matter how much you desire to know everything. My adult child received the 'truth' from me...The Source....upon our reunion. My 'truth' was and never will be, the property of the adoptive parents. The Truth only belongs to my now adult child.

This ploy about getting the 'truth', is just that a ploy, to know anything and/or anything about the nparents who no longer have any legal rights to said child. What guarantee does a nmother/parent have, in the here and now, that 'the truth' will even be passed onto the adopted child? We heard these same promises from agency and social workers, many years ago....most of them lied, and information in many cases was never passed on to the children, but held close to the chest by some insecure adoptive parents. If you had 'the truth' at your disposal, when would you share 'the truth' with your adopted child/children? Immediately or wait until they are an adult? And BTW, what constitutes/makes up...'The Truth'.

Jesus, talk about being on the Witness Stand in the Adopters Court!! I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...to do otherwise will find me in contempt in the Court of Adopters! WTF!

ETA: OP said..."fathers rights given more attention"

Before or after the adoption is finalized??