Moving on? I know so many of your attribute adoptive parents?

Sadly, my daughter's mother is doing just that.....She hasn't come right out and said so but she has stopped calling or e mailing and when we contact her she acts like she can't be bothered.

We have decided to leave the door open in case she ever wants contact, but for now we are concentrating on being a family. When my daughter is old enough to ask questions I will be as honest as I can and perhaps will try again to contact her first mom.

I do not understand why her fmom wants no more contact but I am respecting it and hoping someday she will decide to see her daughter again

It can be from both sides. Many of the adoptive parents are brought into the adoption system and 'conditioned' to both raise a healthy and happy child and to honor the wishes of the birth mother. Many of the families in open adoption want the birth family involvement to whatever extent works for them. In the end, the decision of how often contact is made and how much will be in that contact is made my the birth mother to the adoptive parents and I feel that if they cannot respect those wishes than they have stopped looking after the feelings of the birth mother and her healing process.

Yes, the happiness of the child can rely on how much contact they have, but there is the possibility for that child to, later in life, contact their birth mother to let her know that they would like to make contact but they are willing to let her tell them when she is ready. It is something that shakes the foundation of the parents and the childs world. I think the child knowing that they were adopted but that their birth parents loved them to very much and wanted for them what they could not give them is important.

Or that they placed the child for whatever reason they did. But that it was done out of love and their adoptive parents do not love them any less.

Honor the natural mother's requests and wishes. She's already made the decision to give up her child, which is why you have adopted her child, and that means she wants to cut the strings because she acknowledges that it's your child now, and she wants to live her life before she regrets anything she's done.

Im the product of closed adoption, but at the age of 32 went to collect my records. Reading everything, my birth mother, with no issues other than being 23 and unmarried, was quite clear the day I was handed over, that was it

It is the child that matters frankly, and their feelings, as they were the ones who had no choice and say in the matter. How this is discussed with the child should be at the child's pace

the child should be brought up to be safe and happy in their identity, and free to develop it as they wish. Perhaps let them develop a memory bo of things that remind them of achievements and happiness, and maybe one day, if the mother changes her mind it would be there to discuss, but as an adopted child, the mother waived her rights to any input when the child was given up. Hard I know but I know what the impact is of that choice, no matter how you dress it up or keep contact etc, you are still rejected.

worry only about the child.

It is much more common than some people want to believe. There are many people, who for whatever reason, want to promote the idea that it is the adoptive parents that close an open adoption but the reality is that many adoptions close on their own within 3 years at the request of the birth mother. As with most situations, you can not assign one reason or one motive to any group of individuals and that includes birth/natural/ first mothers. There are many who regret their decision to give their child up for adoption but there are just as many who don't regret their decision and who know that their reasons for doing so were legitimate reasons. For those who want less contact over the years, that is also perfectly normal. As you said, for some it is a double-edge sword, they want contact but it is also painful or the contact, rather than being something that elicit joy or a sense or satisfaction, is something that elicits anxiety or fear or guilt or a myriad of other "negative" emotions. Or they may just not want to have to deal with the reminder of a "mistake" they made when they were a teenager or with some dude or strung out or whatever.

In which case, whatever her reasons, one should respect that she does not want contact anymore. The only thing the adoptive mother can do in that situation is to make sure she has any contact information and if she one day wants to resume contact, then be open to that. In the meantime, I would sit aside the same pictures and childhood items that you would have normally sent or given her so that if she one day wants to see them one, she can.

You honor her request and when your child is 18 you give them the information you have if and when they ask for it!! Until then you tell the child their birth mom loves them, but they saw how happy they were in their adoptive family and it was just too painful for her to continue to be a part of their life at this time.