Grandparent question?

While your mom obviously has accepted your daughter as one of the family & that is fantastic, she is not genetically related to any of you. Saying things like that are almost like a slap in the face to an adoptee. Like you said- she freezes....poor thing. I remember those feelings like it was yesterday. I used to cringe when people would say I looked like my a Mom. I knew people were lying- I looked NOTHING like my a Mom. Not that she is unattractive or anything, lol.

There are other ways for your Mom to encourage your daughter without triggering her. How about, "You're a great dancer", or "You have the happiest eyes"- there is no need to add on everything else. You should talk to your Mom privately about this and let her know that it upsets you and your daughter and that you dont want anything to come between them. Im sure your Mom means no harm, she's just not tuned into what can trigger an adopted child.

My daughter looks like her bio mom too. However she also looks a lot like me. In fact she looks more like me than some of my bio kids. I get a lot of coments about how much like me she looks and sometimes I say "Yes she does, but she looks more like her other mommy" Imagine the looks I get it this small, southern Bible belt town LMAO. I am not sure how my daughter will feel about his when she is older. I will take my cues on how to handle it from her.

Since itis obviously bothering your daughter, you need to tell your mom that even tho you usederstand that she is trying to do what she feels is best, she needs to realize that is upsetting your daughter and STOP

I don't usually get these kinds of comments from family, but we do from strangers, who often tell us that they'd never know our daughter was adopted, or even that she looks like me, and I'm even a different race than my daughter. People think they're being reassuring about the genuineness of our parenthood or something. It's embarassing. And I can't imagine it wouldnt't be embarassing for our children. I say what you do, that my daughter looks like her biological mother, which she does (although as she gets older I'm seeing a lot more of her biological father in her). I think you can't always change others, even your mom, but you CAN do things like you are already doing, saying she looks like a biological family member to affirm the validity of her genetic heritage for your daughter. At least she will be regularly hearing that from you, and that is important. If you think your mom might be receptive, mention sometime that it makes you and your daughter uncomfortable to talk about sharing genetic traits, when the reality is that she doesn't, and that it makes your daughter feel like it's not okay with her grandmother to not be genetically related when she tries to pretend that she is. But, I kind of think that you, when it comes right down to it, have a supportive mom and a supportive grandma for your daughter, and you don't want to damage that. Just keep setting the example yourself and affirming your daughter yourself.

According to other answers, my daughter should have run out and had mammogram after mammogram like her family suggested because her sister (adopted parents bio daughter) got breast cancer. It's nice to be accepted as one of the family but genetics are a whole different thing. My daughter simply asked why when told to go get a mammogram after her sister being diagnosed. She had to remind them it doesn't run in my family.

I'd ask your daughter how she wants to handle it and make that the house rule.

Wow. My daughter is just the opposite and always has been. Nothing pleases her more than remarks of how much she favors this, her family. She thought the world and all of her grandmother and all of our other relatives and accepted them all without hesitation. And I found no difference in raising her than our two other children.And we have no secrets either. She has always known she was adopted.

Hey, FMS:

It sounds like she's *already* dreading these comments. They may be well-meaning, but they are obviously having an affect on your daughter. I don't think that your mother is intentionally trying to hurt her with those words, but she *is* being hurt.

Time to have a sit-down with your mother.

As a child, I remember people telling me I looked like my dad. I also remember thinking those people must be quite simple minded since they all knew I was adopted.

I'm not sure what your question is, but I would have rather those people kept their insecurities about my lack of genetic similarities to my parents to themselves. I mean, they tried their best to see one, but there was nothing to see.

ETA: Oh, I am so going to use that tricky memory line. Where's my cane? I must be developing dementia. I can't find my cane....

Listen to your friend.

When you're mom says "she has her mother's happy eyes", she's not talking about resemblance. She's commenting on how happy the 2 of you look.

The comment about dancing means she sees your daughter as part of the family. It's an "extra thought" to remember she's adopted and has nothing to do with grampa's clumsyness. You on the other hand don't seem to have adjusted to that thought. It's uppermost in your mind meaning you are thinking of and treating her different.

Remember too that old folks have tricky memories. Even as young as 40 or 50, they can have memory lapses. It's embarrassing and upsetting to have someone point out their mistakes. Old people are VERY worried about going senile, or worse, getting demented, and the problems that come with that.

Pointing out her mistakes is stressful for her. Quit doing that right away.

If you're worried that your daughters feelings will be hurt because she's NOT genetically part of your family - TALK TO HER!!!

Explain that grandma's comments are meant to make her feel part of the family. Explain that old people say things differently.

I think your friend is right. She has accepted your daughter as your daughter. You still think of her as your adopted daughter. I hope for your daughter's sake, some day you will think she has the traits of the family that loves and takes care of her and not see someone who lookd exactly like the "biomom". Love your daughter like she was your own blood, and be glad that your mom does.

you have adopted a kid your mother has fully accepted her into the family

YOU HAVE NOT