Has anyone here intended to keep their adoption open and didn't (from all perspectives)? Why/why not?
All of the agencies are saying they do almost 100% open adoptions and yet little to no education is done on the topic for natural parents who are considering surrendering or for adoptive parents. Open adoptions are very painful topic for many people as evidenced on these boards.. Trying to set a legally enforceable agreement about how much contact will occur between natural parents—and adoptive family is extremely hard to make and very rarely something that is legally enforceable.
I've reread some posts on here. Some questions:
How much education should be required for all parties? Who supplies it? What should be enforceable and how? How is that agreement flexible enough to account for all parties over time?
After rereading on the topic, lives will unfold very differently over time. While I believe intentions are pure to begin with, it is unknown at the time of the child’s birth both short and long term how everyone will feel. Beyond logistics—there are money and time issues, illness, divorce, other children being born not to mention emotions etc. There is the fluid and very real unknown of how everyone, the child included—will feel over time and many claim it is impossible to capture that in a legal doc. There are statements of intent and good will on all parties that I've seen but they aren't worth much. Any thoughts?
2009-11-07T12:56:45Z
ollie...what kind of boundaries?
Serenity712009-11-07T15:28:05Z
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The woman considering placing a child for adoption should be told everything relating to legal side of open adoption. Transparency, so she knows there is a risk of it being closed.
The potential adoptive parents need to know why they're agreeing to an open adoption, and have counselling relating to questions or feelings they might have about it.
Who supplies the counselling- a neutral source that has no gain from it. Throwing a blanket over it won't work because each case and needs are different and it can change over time. And ongoing support government supported through funding grants.
I did ask about flexibility at the time our adoption was being drawn up, and all I got was blank stares from social workers. (Opppss.... it wasn't in their manual that people question things that affect their life.) Like they didn't even think of it passed the court date and that peoples lives change over the years and needs. That sent alarm bells off in my mind, and made me wonder what they had promised to my kids First mum in relation to it. (I cringe at say that word, she hates being called a first mother, she prefers birth mother.)
Me and my DH work to keep promises we make, but we have found that at times its not us that's not sticking to the adoption plan, its her too because of things going on in her life meetings have been cancelled or just not happen for months out of the agreed time frame. (We have boundaries out of respect for personal space and privacy of each other, thats why we meet in a park not houses. Relationships happen over time, maybe one day that will change, but for now kids like to play in parks anyway.) I worry about people who a flippant about boundaries in life, everyone needs them. I like to know where I stand in situations or with people thats for sure!
Long term and consideration that adoptee's don't stay babies or toddlers forever and might want a say in it too as they grow is the main issue I have with enforceable open adoptions. (Open I mean with visits etc.) They don't know enough yet of how it affects younger children or how they feel about it....Can't wait to see the results in 20yrs time!
BTW- this is the first question I've read that is actually address the issues sensibly without attacking anyone or accusing Aparents of not keep agreements etc.
How much education??? Life long, it should be an ongoing commitment.
Who supplies it?? Adoption agencies, they need to stop making such a big profit and spend the money on the babies and their families.
What should be enforceable and how?? includes the flexibility agreement as well......
It should be enforceable like any other matter in family court. If the two parties can't come to an agreement in a divorce the mediator is thrown into the mix. If then that doesn't work, a guardian ad litem is appointent to represent the child and the best interests of the child. Finally it goes to the judge to decide. That is the best system I can compare it to and seems most suitable. Afterall, we want what is in the best interests of the child involved, right?
I echo what Lillie mentioned. it relatively is phenomenal which you're feeling so blessed, yet you in all probability shouldn't tell your son that "God" led him to you. I had a commenter provide up via my blog some months returned and question me as to why I disagreed with the God theory. Then she linked me to her blog internet site, and right here is what she mentioned: "specific, i think it grow to be God that led me to my son. It grow to be in basic terms meant to be, i won't be able to have faith it could have got here approximately any other way. yet after analyzing this adoptee's blog, I worry that my son could inquire from me, 'God made my birthparents no longer stable adequate?' i think it grow to be destiny. i think that employer had one little guy left to place for a erason. yet NO i might in no way tell him that and make him have faith that his birthparents weren't stable adequate!" in case you're saying it grow to be God... then your toddler could finally end up thinking, "nicely, what did my bio mum and dad gain this as to make God think of they weren't 'stable adequate' to enhance me?" i might honestly save the adoption open. which will make a distinction, and your toddler will comprehend how plenty they are enjoyed via 2 mothers. It heavily isn't all that complicated; i've got heard of many memories the place there have been open adoptions and the youngster grow to be no longer at a loss for words.
i was adopted because of abuse, and it was meant to be completely open with everyone except the abusive sperm donor. but the Grannie was on his side and in the end the bio mother realised it wasnt safe for me to have contact with his family so it was closed to them. my adopted family would go on holiday to where my maternal bio family lived and vice versa, and we would go on holiday together elsewhere.