APs open to early reunion (open adoption)?

It took 6 years before I heard from the mother of the siblings we have adopted. It took me by surprise when it happened and it took me a little time to process, just because for me it came unexpectedly.

I received an email from a legal advocate for their mother. The request was simple--that she get some pictures and be able to send the children gifts.

The pictures were Zero problem for me to Send within moments by email. I didn't feel any issue at all about that and made sure to pick out the cute ones. I sent at least 20 or more.

The issue about the children receiving gifts took me a little more time to think about. Right now, the children are in a very difficult stage and our children are very special needs...the gifts would be sent right after Christmamas and right in the middle of our families Post-Christmas celebrations of all four of our birthdays right after the holiday...The kids were gifted out and I did not want to Accept Gifts and Not give them right to the children... They are in a stage where there is a lot of hurt and anger going on--a lot of issues they are working out.

In a way too I have concern that the children are not old enough or emotionally able to recognize the "Thought Counts" more then the quality of the content. Kids can be snotty and these kids just had the flood-gate on being gifted...I worried that if a gift came from their mother would they judge it? Would they Judge Her best Efforts to choose a gift for children she hasn't seen in 6 years? For HER I didn't want the spoiled-snarky age of the children to BE something they judged from such a naive point in life... does that make sense?

I know the children and the stage they are at--and I know that gifts and contact WILL happen... But, for her and for the children my hope would be that nothing well-intended turned out to be hurtful for anyone.

I have emailed her lagal aid and let them know I want to maintain contact--and I want her to know how the children are doing... I want her to understand that she is a part of their lives but, that we need to take these steps the best way for the kids... I want to keep in touch because I know the best way for them is not that long away--and I plan to be part of it... I want there to be a healing reunion when it happens.

I have let her know the children do not really need Gifts from her--that they are of the age where they just think gifts are what life is about but, that the time when gifts from her will mean the most is not that far away...and right now the Most Special Gift she could offer would be a picture of our daughter before the age of 4 if there is one any place? Right now this would mean so much to her--and would be the kind of gift that would be healing in her life--a toy picked out for the little girl of 6 years ago could be more hurtful then helpful at this time.

I hope that she will stay in touch and that she loves the pictures I sent--I also hope that she understands my reasoning. More then anything however, any picture would mean to world to her little girl! I hope that oneday I check my email and find one--and that we can work out the way of reuniting that is best for both of her children.

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I think you have offered the most wonderful gift to your son and hope that everyone can work together and think sending the picture is a very awesome first step...just remember to give everyone the time to process what's happening and keep in mind that often the First Reaction someone makes--is not always going to be set in stone. The best advice I could share is to remember not to over react and allow this to happen with an understanding that people come along with time.

The AP;s may respond to you one way at first--but, given time to go through it all they may respond differently as time passes and they are able to figure out how they feel and what is in the best interest of the child. It's best to let them go through the process without putting them on the defensive--even if they should be--even if you want them to be. It will be more positive to let them get there because of the love everyone has for your son--not in spite of it.

It's only been a few weeks since I was shocked by contact after 6 years and I have gone throught a huge number of feelings and needed time to evaulate the whole situation--how I feel at this moment is not the same as I did a few weeks ago and may not be how I feel in another week. So, keep in mind that life is long and try to help the AP's have the ability to take one step at a time. It will go wrong if everyone can't work together and try to be supportive of each persons feelings in this situation...

I do hope that the AP's of your son feel the kind of joy I would if only I could give our little girl a picture of the person she was when she was little...

Knowing what I know about you and your son, I'd say I'd be okay with it, but like monkeykitty83 said, let them know how you found the contact information first so it doesn't seem stalkerish (not saying YOU are, I hope you understand what I mean). Just wondering though... how much does he know about you? Have they told him the reason why you relinquished? I'm wondering if the amount of contact should be based on how he feels about it. Like if he's at the stage where he wants to know you or if he's angry, something along those lines. Then the other issue you mentioned before... his sisters. Does he know about them? I can understand how it's killing you but I think it's going to have to be at his pace. The worst that can happen is they say no. He'll be 18 in a few years and he'll be free to search for you as he wishes. Good luck. I hope everyone will be open to the idea.

This is kind of like survivor guilt. As an adoptive parent, I thank God and my birth mother for the beautiful gift she gave me. She's seen him a couple of times, then quit coming. I just found out that she doesn't come because she is jealous that we have so much, and with our similar ages, they are so far behind in getting ahead. We made sacrifices in order to adopt a child (I had to have a hysterectomy, and he is sterile), yet the birth parents were doing meth. We wish that they could get their act together, and we wish that they would have been able to raise Jacob, however, it would have been a life of hell for the baby, and we are so thankful and happy that we have him. I pity her, and yes, I do feel a little guilty and/or uncomfortable around her, but she brought the situation on herself. I would tell your family, wow, it makes me feel better that you approve, and I hope we all can do what's best for him (or her).

Take from this anything you might find helpful.

Is there anyway you can use a third party to initate the first contact? Sometimes an unexpected email can throw a person off or it could make them jump for joy to hear from you! (I'm not saying it wouldn't be welcomed, it just might be, but proir warning would at least give more crediblitly.)

The reason I'm suggesting it is another ap i know lost contact with her son's first mum, for four years there wasn't an word from her. Then she recieved a phone call from social services saying she wanted to see him. Her own reaction wasn't what she expected it to be. She wanted him to see her but was scared he's end up hurt if she came into his life and left it again just as fast. She needed a week or two to get her head around it, tell him his first mum is in touch and wants to see him.(Husband too). As it was the timing was bad for him, he was just starting school for the first time and she found it would be too much because of how stressed he became leading up to day they organised to meet up. They're working on another time soon to catch up when he's settled into school.

His Amother was worried she'd think she was trying to stop it from happening altogether when they cancelled-it was further from the truth. But the social worker has been good in explaining whats going on to his first mum. So from what I gather it will hopefully work out for them soon.

The third party prevented any misunderstandings between them because they conveyed the messages. Email is good, but something write is open to interpretation too.

Even though I'm in touch through email with my kids first parents I still have a third party social worker who keeps details up to date and I ask advice from regarding anything that can be taken the wrong way, because 18yrs is a long time and people move houses etc, kids grow and have different stages in their life to deal with.

I just want you have a successful reunion without any hitches. So if those things crop up at the time of your first contact be patient and I hope you all get together soon. Let us know how you go.

All the best

Well I don’t think there would be any harm in contacting them and seeing if they are open to some sort of contact and since your son is I think 14 they would want to see if he is open to contact since at this age I think he would be old enough to decided if he wants or is ready for contact. It seems from what you say they were open to contact and probably felt that you didn’t want it but you can explain to them what your friend did by discarding their number. I would go ahead and send them a letter and the photos since it can’t hurt to try. I agree you should keep the letter or email short.

:-) A happy smile is sent your way!

I would be thrilled to receive an e-mail. I agree with Monkey Kitty that a brief comment about how you found them would help calm any confusion.

If you keep the e-mail relatively short it will help them acclimate a little better. They may be overwhelmed and a long letter about the years that have passed may be too much for first contact. If you leave it short, honest, and open-ended, how could they not respond?

Absolutely include the pictures. I treasure the photo I have of my daughter in the hospital with her mother and aunt on the day she was born.

On a personal note, I would love to hear how your story unfolds. I hope it ends up with the best of all worlds for you, your son, and his APs!

I think an email with those pictures sounds perfect. My daughter's adoption is different because it was international, but I sooooo hope her first mother will maintain our semi-open adoption. (We send things regularly. She hasn't yet. I know it's probably too raw still.) I personally would be open to any contact, phone call, letter, email, meeting. I remember the story you told about the chance encounter you had 7 years ago. It really touched me, and I can't imagine that your son's adoptive mother doesn't think of you every day and hope to find out how you are doing and would want contact for your son. I soooooo hope you can open your son's adoption. Absolute best wishes with this!

I would be completely open to an overture that didn't involve interaction w/any illegal activity. Reading what you just said about your history--absolutely I'd be open to it. Write a letter, email etc and ask for what you are looking for.

Just be honest, sincere and up front about what you are looking for. I think 1/2 the issue's from wierdo interactions from AP's and natural parents is that their imaginations are far worse than realities. People just need to talk about what's really going on.

In a situation like yours (no abuse or safety concerns) I would be very open to this, personally, if I were on the receiving end. I think sending a polite and friendly e-mail saying that you would like more openness in the adoption is perfectly appropriate. Sharing the pictures is a particularly nice gesture on your part, both for the adoptive parents and your son.

The one thing I would suggest is making sure you include a brief explanation of how you got their contact information, since if it were me and that wasn't clarified, I would worry about my online safety and privacy in general.

I think what you have in mind is a good idea, and I would personally be very open to something like that if I was the adoptive parent in this situation.

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I say e mail the amom. Send her the photo she last sent you as proof. Tell her that you would like as much contact and info as they are comfortable sharing. Tell her you have photos of your son as a newborn and baby that you would like them to have so your son can have them.

Then comes the hardest part, waiting to see if/how she will respond. Unless she is totally selfish and insecure, she will respond favorably. It might just be updates thru her at first, but hopefully she and her husband will talk it over and open up some contact.

Good luck. I will be hoping for the best for you.