How do you deal with not having your child?

Question

Ok, well its a little more than that, when I was 6 years old my father died. That in and of its self is hard. I still cry to this day and in less than a week I will be 20. So 14 years now. When I was 17 starting my senior year of high school I got pregnant. I had my beautiful daughter, her name is Alaina. I love her to death but I gave her up for adoption. It's an open adoption which helps a lot but I'm NOT "mommy" which is so hard. I still get to see pictures of her, they upload them online. I just wish I could raise her, everyone says I did whats best, I'm sure I did. I just sit here and watch as all these girls around me, friends, family, acquaintances, are getting pregnant and keeping their babies. It's not fair, first I lose my father, now my daughter. She will be a year and 8 months on Christmas. I know I would of been a good mom. Or at least I think I would've been. It's just tough cause I have done so much with out my dad, I went to school, got good grades, graduated early and still walked with my class, had my daughter, gave her up, enlisted in the military, I'm becoming an EMT-B, I also might deploy. All of this without him. I just am hoping someone could give me advice on how to deal with not having my baby, or my father.

Meenir-Cradien · Accepted Answer

There's nothing really you can do here other than being thankful for the fact that her APs have kept her in an open adoption because they could have just closed it.

myst1998 · Answer

I am really sorry honey... really sorry.

Its hard.  To be honest, I had no idea how I got through.  Part of it was working my guts out and on my days off I would watch the goriest or scariest movies I could find... movies I could never watch today.  That was instead of drinking or anything else.  These movies were the only ones I could watch that would actually numb the pain.  It was and still is hell on earth.

My daughter graduates from primary school next Monday and I am going to see her.  But it has taken a very long time to get here and I have had to play by so many rules.  You really need to find a support group with mothers your age and who feel similarly.  What you feel is valid and important.  Loss is hard to deal with, I won't lie to you.

What makes you think you did the right thing?  Because of what everyone else says?  When it comes to adoption they will tell you that but everyone knows the best thing for the both of you is for you to have raised her yourself.  They should have stepped up and been more supportive.  I am very sorry you did not receive the support you needed.

If you want to email me and just have someone to hear you out, feel free to email me anytime at myst1998@hotmail.com.

Take care and all the best.

Anonymous · Answer

While you lost your dad, you didn't lose your child, what you did was abandon her when she needed you most.

As for coping, I'm imaging coping without your child is going to be infinitely different to coping without your dad - mainly because your child is supposed to be able to rely on you, whereas your dad is supposed to be there for you to rely on.

I can only try to help with the coping with losing your dad as that's the only part I have any knowledge of (I was the abandoned baby). My adad died when I was 25 (so 'bout twelve years ago), and while it was in this case "for the best" (he'd had a traumatisingly agonising bad back since I was seven), I sincerely miss talking to him ... and so I never stopped it. I have photo's of him around the house anyway, and often just get a quiet five minutes and spill my guts out to him. While he might not be able to offer advice now he's gone, he's still there to listen to, of you need someone there. :)

italianscotschick · Answer

You have had a tough time. Firstly on your father, when someone dies it can be so traumatic you enver get over it. Some peole can heal the wounds over time and others never get over it. Try to be happy for your father in heaven doing whatever it is he loved best and beleive me i bet he is very proud of you and watching you and helping you without you knowing.Just because he is dead does not mean you have to die with him. Feel the pain but live his memories and look at the pictures and be happy for the live he had not mourn the death. 

Your daughter... now this is difficult as it is a hard decision you made so very young. I have had abortions and regretted them at the time ( different but bear with me) but as I grew older and saw where my life was going I knew i couldnt have gave that child the life they needed. I am ready now to be an adult and got my grades at school and went on to do well for my myself. It sounds to me that you are doing some amazing things with your life.. enlisting in the military is a great thing to do for yourself and for your country. Everything in life happens for a reason.. perhaps your daughter is detined t be your daughetr but live with that other family. It nmust be so hard to se epicture sof her that as heart breaking as it may be you might have to let go and let her grow and be looked afetr by someone else. In time you will have more children and perhaps when she is 16 or 18 she will come looking for you. But that must be a choice she makes. I am sorry to say but the best thing you can do is make a great life for yourelf..not only in honour of your fathers memory but alos so whenyour daughter is old enough she have a mother that she can be proud of! 

Good luck... life can be hard but you sound strong.. you will be just fine.

smarmy · Answer

Seriously? One day at a time. One foot in front of the other until your child is grown.

How do you deal with not having your child?

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