To adult adoptees that were the Firstborn and surrendered for adoption?
OK....I just read 2 questions and answers in regards to "kept" siblings and being "rejected" by older brothers that were surrendered. And I just have to ask these questions. I can understand the adoptee feelings of being unwanted and rejected, I honestly can...but this 'kept' stuff methinks needs a little clarification or further expansion on. Truly I know I would be upset if Mom had 1, 2, 3 kids already that she was raising and then gave me up somewhere in between or at the end. But for those adoptees who were the Firstborn...would you have much rather learned that your mother never had another child, remained childless, never got married, never had a life at all after your surrender? I can't speak to today...but I can speak to yesterday....unmarried mothers with babes were last on the list for any kind of help and our babies were prized. OK..baby is gone. Now that same young woman gets married..she is now MRS somebody, which those 3 letters now give her the legal right to have unlimited amounts of legal sex within the confines of marriage. Well, we all know how babies get here...people have sex and most married people do the nasty. MRS now gets pg and she is going to have this baby... What would you have had her do??
1. Get an abortion 2. Give that baby away too (guess MR wouldn't have a voice, yes/no?) 3. *Keep* the baby that is born *legitimate* in a *legitimate* marriage and now makes her a *legitimate* mother in our Great Society 4. Surrender the legit baby, get a tubal ligation ( to insure she never got pg again, no children whatsoever) and would therefore insure no "kept" children, get a divorce, never be allowed to marry
I know I probably sound a bit snarky...that's just me, I really mean no harm, nor offense...but I would really like to know what surrendered Firstborns have wished, not wished, expected or not expected of their nmothers lives After surrender. I am not speaking to 'apprehension' types of adoptions, but rather the supposed 'voluntary' type thru an agency, when a newborn. Thank you and I am listening.
BOTZ2010-01-24T07:31:47Z
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I would have had my mother do exactly what she did... well, almost. She got married just under 6 months after I was born. From the look of Every. Single. Wedding picture. she is still very much in shock. She is, in one picture, the ONLY person NOT smiling -- at her own wedding. I have seen only 3-4 pictures and she is not smiling in any of them... she looks... 'vacant'.
She went on to have 3 more children, with that husband, who are my natural siblings. They are 3, 6, and 10 years younger than I am. I love them dearly and would not have changed a thing about their birth or upbringing -- except that I would put myself there, with them, in OUR family.
My mom is now divorced from 'the kids' (what she and I call my younger siblings) father and is married to her sweetheart and best friend. He had two adult children when they married and, being late 40s and 50 when they married, they have no children together.
My natural dad had one daughter 5 years after me, within a short-lived marriage, and is now raising an almost-two-year-old sister with his current wife. I am 37 years old, he is 57 years old and my baby sister's mom is just 4 years older than I am. :-) I'm good with it because he -- THEY -- is/are happy. My baby sis is the cutest child ever born and I am 'reborn' (and feel younger) with her in my life.
My parents raised all of the children born to them after me and I would not have wished that to be any different. I would NEVER 'reject' them as they had no hand/part in my birth, surrender or adoption.
The only thing that ever gave me pause was learning that my parents were not teenagers when I was born. I was an adult when I learned that and I thought, "What the...? Why didn't they keep me? They were ADULTS!" Then, and for the next 8 years until reunion, I learned everything I could about the time period (early 70s... months before Roe v. Wade) and I eventually came to understand that everything, including 'adulthood', was different then... especially for women. *sigh* My feelings were more or less resolved before reunion but even if they hadn't been, I couldn't have been angry at my siblings... or even my mom. I never was. Surprised? Yes. Confused? Briefly. But, I was never mad.
My siblings are wonderful, beautiful, loving people. They are bright, shining lights in my life and I would not wish to continue living a moment without ALL of them.
That's how I feel and I'm sorry I can't shed any light on the situation you mentioned. Perhaps the adoptee(s) is/are too hurt to deal just yet? I don't know. Logically, they MUST know that their younger (kept) siblings had nothing to do with their surrender/adoption. I do know though, FWIW, that very little in adoption or anything thereafter is "logical".
If your mothers and fathers are inclined to support you preserve your baby, accomplish that. I used to be raised inside an open adoption and, with out going into element, used to be very unsatisfied with the obstacle. I could certainly not position my baby for adoption. And if I needed to I could certainly not position my baby into an open adoption. I do think in open files! But I firmly think no followed baby must meet any in their organic loved ones till they're an grownup! If you desire to e-mail me approximately my stories, please do. I shall be completely satisfied to instruct you approximately the disorders that may expand inside an open adoption. I have learn a couple of of the postings related to your query and I trust the concept of both have an abortion or preserve your baby! In standard, it's too difficult to be followed. There are only a few humans I could desire the stories I had being followed on, and those who I do I do not like AT ALL! If you're main a legislation abiding existence, now not death, a drug addict or have a low ethical individual without a want to difference, preserve your baby. If your mothers and fathers or any person you'll believe that has the above features needs to support you preserve your youngster, preserve your youngster. You shall be doing your self and your youngster a want!
I will say there is a tiny bit of bitterness in me about my nmom keeping my biosister. Mainly because she got pregnant within about one year of having me, similar situation meaning still a teenager and still no father in the picture, but she kept this one. I am not mad about it and I can understand why she did it, but it definitely ties into all of the rejection stuff from adoption.
I had always assumed she went on with her life and had additional children. I really never "wished" anything...well, other than that she had kept me, lol.
I mean, that's what people do. They go on. Just as we had to go on with our new adoptive families. To me, someone who wishes their first Mom do nothing but mourn the loss of them and sit around, do nothing and wait for us to find them is ridiculous. Maybe some adoptees do, but I dont think they are in the majority.
It was bittersweet for me, because my first Mom got pregnant...unmarried...AGAIN...when I was barely 4 months old. I wasn't even adopted yet. She couldn't keep me, because of society and pressure from Catholic Charities, yet she somehow got the balls to keep my brother. How could I NOT have conflicting feelings about that?
Am I angry? No. Just confused.....but I had hoped she had gone on to have a "normal" life- however normal you can be after giving away a child, just as she hoped I had a "normal" life- however normal you can be when being raised by strangers.
I was really looking forward to siblings. I wanted siblings as much or more as I wanted to meet my parents. My mother was married four months after I was born. She never had more children. I have no siblings. Unless my daddy gets another phone call...I am an only child. I wish I had siblings. She did not want to have another child. She told me that her/my/our birth experience was so bad that she never, ever wanted to do it again. They cut her pretty bad. Nothing about that makes me happy. It's certainly not what I hoped for my mother.