For adoptive parents... what do you say when people praise you?
My husband and I fostered our 2 daughters and eventually adopted them. People are always saying "oh you are so great", "oh you are a blessing in their lives" etc etc...
Well, I am not an idiot. I KNOW that they are blessed not to be with their neglectful, abusive parents. And I know I am blessed to be able to raise such amazing girls!! But, I don't feel like I have rushed in and been their savior or that their lives would have sucked without me (I am pretty sure another foster family would have adopted and cared for/loved them if we didn't!). I realize that foster parenting and adopting can be a hard concept and isn't an experience for everyone to do- and I know these people mean well with their statements.
However, I never really know how to respond... I usually stumble over my words and get some version of "well we are all blessed to be together" and (since I am a Christian) say that it was God's doing and not my own... I just did the right thing when asked (which I do believe!).
Just wondering what you all say when people make these comments to you??
Thanks!!!
Anonymous2010-02-12T14:51:51Z
Favorite Answer
1. I am the lucky one
2. say nothing
3. shut up
4. thank you (on really bad days)
5. YOu know it is sad that adoption needs to happen at all.
6. shut up
I have never actually told someone to shut up in life, but given how often I get this question, sometimes you feel like it. And frankly, I am grandiose, you want to think I am great then go to it but NEVER place my child in a category of "needy" or I am great to have adopted a child "like him". Those are when I am close to saying shut up, but don't. I do give a really good look that relays the message. When I get those ones saying "like him:", I say yes isn't he fantastic!
I usually say, "Oh, no...I'm the lucky one." Sometimes, if I know the person fairly well, I'll even add, "S might not agree with you when I'm having a bad day!" That usually shuts them up.
In all honesty, I wanted to be a mom. I adopted for ME, not to be a savior. We both got lucky, but if I hadn't come along, my son would have been adopted by someone. I'M the lucky one to have HIM.
Yeah, I stumble over that one as well. It does make me uncomfortable. I'm not trying to apply for sainthood or savior-hood. I usually say something like, "We're all lucky to be together." Similar to what you say. There are valid reasons why statements like the "sainthood" bit are not appropriate in adoption situations, but it's hard to give an Adoption 101 course to someone on the fly. I think the motives are good behind those statements. The people making the comments don't realize what a loaded statement that is.
I was never expecting that portion of the adoption experience. It is very uncomfortable for me personally and I really hope no one EVER says anything like that to us in front of our daughter. I also hate the "that is one lucky little girl" or when people ask very dark insinuating questions about her parentage. Hate it. I also had the very first, "Well, you never know what types of genetics you'll get when you adopt" from someone who noticed that our daughter didn't have teeth, hair or wasn't walking (she's 11 months).
I take a big step back and I have a rehearsed--"we are a very happy family." I used to try to "educate" people on how offensive/uncomfortable it was and how those statements could be perceived by her and everyone else in the adoption chain. The reactions were very very ODD and awkward so I stopped.
While I am not an adoptive parent, I did raise the daughter of a friend for a number of years and received these same accolades, which felt awkward. I would simply say thank you, she is a blessing in my life and leave it at that. As you've said, this is really an acknowledgment that not everyone is willing to raise other people's children and make them their own.