Adoptees, what were you told about your first mom?
My adoptive mom tried tokeep my adoption a secret so I heard nothing about my first mom until I was 14. After that I was repeatedly told that my first mom had not wanted or loved me and that she left me because she didn't care about me. I was told she would leave me with anyone just to get away from me.
One family member told me that when my first mom was pregnant with me, she said she wished she could get an abortion (it was 1972 and abortion was illegal).
When I found mt first mom I fould out that all I had been told was a lie. In fact my mother and father had tried from their wedding night on to have a baby and it oook them 3 years to conceive me. My mother even consulted a dr as to why she had been unable to get pregnant.
I grew up feeling prety crappy about myself. I told myself that you have to be pretty bad for your own mother to no care about you and to leave you.
I have heard some people say they were told their first mom loved them so much they gave them up so they could have a better life.
So I am curious, what were other adoptees told about their first mom, and why they were relinquished and how did that make you feel? Did anyone who was adopted not wonder why they were not loved or kept? If so what did your adoptive parents do to make you feel a sense of worth about yourself?
(Im asking because as my adoped daughter gets older, I am at a loss how to tell her the truth of what happened with her first mom without making her feel unloved and unwanted.
2010-02-16T12:59:49Z
ETA Andraya, I too was warned about "turning out just like HER" Again that made me feel like crap.
With my daughter I am absolutely sure of the details, which is that her mother left her alone in a trailer while she partied down the street and she gladly gave custody to my husband (the father) and after we were married asked me to adopt.
I have kept her first mom in her life as much as she wants to be, which at times is not much. Her 1st mom dosen't want her to know any of the details, but I know that my MIL and other relatives will tell her someday. I am trying tofigure out how to give her the truth w/o making her feel bad abt herself or her 1st mom. My own adoption issues are getting in the way tho :(
2010-02-16T19:33:05Z
Calico, My parents were married, then my father was killed in a car accident.
My mother had a drug problem after his death and instead of helping her,his grandmother and mother conspired to get me away from her because they didn't want her to raise me.
She had no support from her family and was young so they got what they wanted.
Andraya - Snark's Sister2010-02-16T12:52:19Z
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I was told that she was a young girl who "got into trouble" and wanted to finish school so she gave me away to a family that had a mommy AND a daddy.
I was also told that she had "bad blood" and if I wasn't careful I would "catch" it too.
Neither one is true. I didn't talk about adoption in my home, I still don't talk about it much with my adoptive family. I know it was damaging to think that someone would have rather finished school than love me and I know it was VERY damaging to think that I was destined to turn out "bad" because of the "trouble" my mom got into but nobody bothered to think about how it might have affected me. I wasn't important enough, having that perfect Nuclear Family was what mattered. Keeping up appearances counted more than making sure that appearance was truth.
I say honesty is best, if you aren't 150% sure of the facts you have been given say so but don't candy coat it or make it seem worse than it is either.
I was told that she was "too young" to raise me properly, that she was not married and had no education. I was told she made a "loving choice" because she wanted the best possible life for me, in a home with 2 parents, and siblings.
She was not too young (21) when I was born and my APs didn't actually know her age. She wasn't married but my father proposed and she accepted... HER parents forbade her to marry my father because he was the "wrong" religion. Yes, it did matter that they forbade it, even though she was 21.
In 1972, an unmarried woman who was pregnant or had a child could be denied housing, work, any social benefit that anyone saw fit to deny her... and there was no recourse.
She did not make a "loving choice" to have me adopted because she did not want to relinquish me. She signed under the fear that she would not have any means to take care of me and her father's threat (which she is certain he would have carried out) to "put her out" if she chose to keep me. Her father also told MY father that he had no rights (a lie) and that he would be arrested if he tried to retrieve me from the hospital or interfere with my adoption.
She never said she wanted me to 'get' a home "with two parents" or with siblings -- nobody asked her what she wanted (which was to raise me). My adoptive parents were on a waiting list and I was born at the time that they reached the top of the list -- they were next in line for a baby and I was the next baby. That was all the "matching" that was done at that time. My parents ponied up the cash and the agency provided the "goods" (me).
My mother was never told that my a-parents already had two children and one of them was their own, biological child. When she learned that, she was furious! (Not with my adoptive parents, as they were not the ones who lied to her, but with the agency worker who DID lie.)
Both my adoptive parents and my natural parents were lied to throughout the process AND throughout my life. In addition, my adoptive parents took liberal license to add their own 'spin' on to the facts of my birth and adoption.
My AP's were kept in the dark about everything.they were not even allowed to come to the foster home for visits,prior to fostering me.it was all conducted in the Social Work Center.i grew up very suspicious they were hiding something.whenever they went away for a few hours(when i was a teen) i searched through everything,but there were no secrets.just unidentifying information,which i already knew.i always hoped i would find a secret paper ,but never did.they(AP'S) say now that i have contact with my first mom, they see how much peace i have found,just knowing who i am.they would have done anything in the past to help me find the info.i desperately needed,but in 1970 when i was adopted,it was like every step of the adoption was wiped out behind me/them.
Explain to her (in an age appropriate manner) that not all women who have babies are cut out to be moms, and so other people sometimes have to raise the child. As she gets older, you get more specific about the whys, but be led by her asking, not you (nor anyone else) forcing the issue.
My story started out with being loved so much my mom gave me away to give me a better life, progressing through some serious stretching of the truth from my paternal anan, via more and more confirmations, corrections and clarifications to my amom's biased perspective of what was pretty much true.
My bmom is pretty much the epitome of everything my afamily don't like, and sadly for them, much as I strive not to be, I am a very deeply embedded copy of my bmom.
Go see an adoption knowledgeable and friendly counsellor - that way you can all deal with any issues that may arise. :)
I was told that I was a firstborn child, that my parents weren't together anymore, and that my mother had wanted to move on with her life and go to college. I was also told that I was relinquished at birth. None of this ended up being true. I don't know if my aparents lied to me, maybe they did know some things and kept it from me, I will never know the truth, but that's what I got told.