Yesterday we had my daughter at Children's Hospital for more testing for her developmental delays. Before you get to the appt, they send you a huge packet with a million forms to fill out so that they can get a complete social and medical history on your child.
Some of the questions when they asked about the mother, I answered using myself as mother because they were questions about how the child relates to the mother and what the mother's perspective on certain issues are.
On the medical questions I used her first mom's info. When I would answer a question about "mother" I would put in parenthesis either "adoptive mother" or "natural mother" (I figured they had never heard the term first mom and natural mother seemed more medical anyway)
Well when they were doing the interview they kept refering to her first mom as "The birthmother" They didn't use "natural mother" as I had or even HER birthmother, it was THE birthmother. It made me feel like they saw her first mom as some sort of birthing thing. I have heard first mom's say that is how the term "birthmother" made them feel but I don't think I truly understood it until yesterday.
Has anyone else delt with this when talking to Drs and how did you handle it? I thought about telling them it was an offensive term, but didn't. Now I wonder if I should. We go back Friday for more testing. SHould I say something to them then?? (my hubby told me to leave it alone)
2010-03-03T14:49:04Z
ETA My main issue with it was that we are teaching our daughter to love and respect her first mom. We refer to her as her other mother, the same was one son is a brother and a different son is an other brother.
She is too young to understand now, but in the future I do not want her to hear her first mom spoken of as if she were a thing. ie THE birth mother.
I even refered to her first mom by her first name a few times, yet the Dr didn't catch on.
We will have a lot of Q's that will discuss her first mom and the pregnancy because we are dealing with seizures and developmental delays wich could be inherited.
MamaKate2010-03-03T10:11:09Z
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It isn't. The generally accepted medical/scientific term would be "biological mother".
Unfortunately, "birthmother" has become an accepted part of the vernacular (as clearly demonstrated by some of the other answers).
Thank you for putting so much thought into this - I am sure your daughter will appreciate it. (Who wants to feel as though the came from an "incubator"?! Its better for her that you encourage people to see her other mother as a human being too!) I would tactfully say something on my next visit were it me. Every little bit of education helps. JMHO.
The doctor should have picked up on the terminology you preferred but in all honestly I don't think he or she was trying to be insensitive. In professions like doctors, law enforcement, CPS, etc. you have so many cases that it's hard to keep track of individual names you develop the habit of referring to people in the family situation by their role and not their name. However, the person should be sensitive enough to not use this with the family.
I'm a CPS worker and I'll be honest, when we consult about 25 referrals at once we often refer to people by their title - the mother, the father, the aunt, etc. This isn't meant to be insensitive it's just to keep the relationships clear as it's easier than remembering 200 names and how they are related. That said, if someone was correcting me then it's obviously important to them and I always use the terminology they prefer.
I know it was probably really upsetting for you but keep in mind the doctor probably saw dozens of patients that day, at least. It was simply probably easier for him or her to separate the players in the family by clearly identifying them by their relationship to the child, ie, adoptive mom, birth mom, etc. If it really bothers you you could talk with the doctor but at the end of the day the important thing is did you get good medical care/developmental assessment. It might be a bit much for the doctor to remember to call her Nancy (or whatever her name might be) but I think it's fine to simply correct him or her politely when the term birth mother is used and just say, "We prefer the term natural mother if you don't mind." That should get the point across without making it an issue.
I find the term fetus disgusting and a medical attempt to dsensitize and alienate what the "fetus" ACTUALLY is; I thought that was the whole point, if you don't call it a baby it's easier to kill it, like a bug.
I haven't experienced it directly from health professionals, but I have come across similar... was it said with a sneer? Not asking to spark fury or indignation, but only to relay my experiences - in much the same way as I've faced sneers when mentioning being adopted (including in college this week by someone who's aiming to be a social worker - let's just hope his attitude changes before he graduates!).
Tbh, I have no idea whether you should tackle it or leave it alone - I s'pose ***for me*** it would depend on the whats as well as the whys as to whether I thought I should tackle such things or not - I may become too worried that my child would be adversely affected by their reaction to my intervention wrt their judgements as to whether or not I'd correct them - *I think*.
I s'pose more than anything, it'd depend on how relevant the pre-natal medical history was to the current medical crisis, as to whether I'd say much.
What I will say is good luck in getting whatever health issues it is sorted with the minimum intervention necessary. :)
I was also not aware that they did this and agree with you that if you're educated about adoption issues, you would naturally be sensitive about it. I have a neighbor/close friend who is a nurse practitioner and also an aunt to an adopted child in an open adoption (one that really is open).
But she was using the term "birthmother". I finally said to her in a friendly way "you know, terminology has changed to be more p.c. and many first/natural/bio mothers feel objectified when they are referred to that way. I thought you just might want to know that since you deal with these kinds of things all the time in your family and professionally". She thanked me and said she had no idea and since I had explained it, she would be more sensitive.
In her case, I also sent her some links about adoption.
I see nothing wrong with mentioning this to Drs. without sounding accusatory. Good for you for caring about this!