My girls are 4 1/2 and 3. They came to us as foster babies and have since been adopted. We also have a birth son who is 16 months old.
My husband and I KNOW that the adoption of our girls started as a loss. We both have been abandoned by a parent (I was abused by my mother, him by his father). We realize better than *a lot* of adoptive parents that there will be a lot of pain and that we don't live in "happy adoption land". My daughters know they are adopted and we are in contact with their first family. I don't talk badly about either of their parents and don't pretend anything with them.
From what I have seen on here, it seems like we shouldn't even be happy about adopting. It's not ok to try to live normally because we can't for one second live like they didn't have a prior family/life. It's like we have to always have that on our mind and not ever just be a family- because God forbid we aren't focusing on the bad stuff all the time. We can't celebrate their adoption days or show happiness that they are in our family because that would make it seem like we are happy about their loss. Isn't it possible to love our a-children and be grateful that they are ours now?? It doesn't make the prior actions ok- but how is it better to only focus on the hurt? I am NOT glad that they were abused and neglected and that their parents couldn't get it together to keep them. I do agree that it would have been best for them to get help and be able to keep their girls. But I AM glad that they are safe and healthy now and that I am blessed with the opportunity to raise them. Why is it so bad to be exhilarated that we have these wonderful girls?
Why can't we be sad for their loss and be happy for our family at the same time?
2010-03-13T14:40:29Z
I appreciate everyone's input. We are NOT those AP's who dismiss the mother (or fathers) pain in losing a child. I have asked their parents to 'clean up' so they can be a part of thei girls lives growing up. YES I am angry that anyone would abuse their children, but I am pretty sure most people feel that way.
We aren't trying to create a false life for them or for us. With all of the stories I have read on AP's who 'ignore' the adoption or don't talk about it--- I do feel that us bringing a positive light into it might help my girls. I don't celebrate their being taken from their parents, but I do celebrate them coming into our family- and I hope that will help them see that it's not ALL BAD. Sometimes good things come from the darkest places. If that eventually makes them uncomfortable of course we will stop. My plan is to play it by ear (as every parent does, adoptive or not!) and support them. They don't have to agree with me and if they don't, I will respect their choice.
?2010-03-13T09:40:38Z
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One thing I have learned in life is that bad things happen and somehow we go on and learn to be happy again. Dwelling on the bad stuff makes for a depressing life.
I spent a lot of years obsessing about my own adoption and how unfair it all was. I wasted a lot of years on "poor me. I'm adopted."
There is nothing wrong with loving your daughters and being happy that they are yours. You did not steal them. From what I have read, their first mom screwed up and refused to put her kids above bad lifestyle choices. That was not your fault and it was not the girls' fault either. They are entitled to happy, safe childhoods and it sounds like what you are giving them.
I am glad I am able to be here for my adopted daughter. I am enjoying having her in my life very much. She is the only girl at home now and so sometimes it feels like me and her against the boys lol.
Her first mom had a chance to raise her. She was unable to. She has all the access to her she wants. Sadly sometimes she pulls back and wants very little contact, sometimes she comes and stays with us for days at a time.
For any situation in life there wil be nay saysers, and people telling you that you are doing things wrong. Do what feels right to you. You seem to have resepect for the fact that your daughters have suffered a loss and you will be sensitive to it.
You're going to feel however you feel - you can't change that. To acknowledge grief and loss while at the same time experiencing happiness as a parent is to be consciously present in mindful parenting. No one is saying you shouldn't do that.
Well, trolls maybe, but they don't count.
What's reprehensible is what Vanessa mentioned - adoptive mothers who celebrate a woman being too poor to parent her child, or parents who invalidate and ignore loss. They most certainly are out there. Check here for a few of the worst offenders
You can feel both at the same time. It's just that your daughters will always have adoption following them their entire life. People will say things to them outside of your hearing that will hurt - really hurt. Most likely they will never tell you all the things people say. Even though they can get their birth certificates, they'll always be viewed as somewhat suspect or less than simply by nature of their adoption. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do about that except be aware.
Have you ever seen the film "Adopted"? It addresses some of these things very well.
http://www.adoptedthemovie.com/
The film is expensive ($60), however you can download it and watch it on your computer for much less ($20).
I am happy with my chidren and love them every day. But I am not happy that they had to be adopted, so overall I am not for adoption. You can feel how you want, but we as AP's can't come on boards like this and say "wow adoption is soooo great" when everyone else suffers from it but us. My kids and us will have teh best life ever, but we don't lament over hte process that brought us together. We do not say "yay adoption", and we accept where we all are.
We all have days where we get sensitive, but look deeper, and listen to waht they are saying to help avoid pitfalls in raising your chlidren. I listen to the adult adoptees because they ahve been there done that.
Theresa beautifully explained it. It sounds like you are doing everything right. Its called "mindful parenting".
Adoption is bittersweet. While I was happy I had my a family, I was sad I lost my first family. By being respectful of your children's losses and acknowledging those losses when they come up, you are doing the right thing. Should ap's focus on the hurt? Of course not. But just know it is there.
I have to say that the whole "gotcha day/adoption day" thing is disrespectful. I remember when I was a little girl, I hated that my bday was around Christmas time. My aMom said that we could have a party the day that they "got me", which was in May. Even as a little kid, I was like, "WTF???" Sure, it was a happy day for my ap's & my extended family, but they were not really thinking of everything that transpired between the day I was born & the day they got me.
Of course, I was too young to get it myself, but I know the whole idea of celebrating that day was just not right.
Can you be happy your girls are happy and safe and loved? Of course! Im sure they are, too. But being happy and loving our new families really has nothing to do with the pain associated with abuse, neglect or our relinquishments.
Just love them. Sounds like you are doing just that. Address their losses as they manifest themselves.
You seem very defensive. I understand that you feel you were attacked in the responses to your last question and I'm sorry if I contributed to that, but you asked, so I answered.
No one said you have to keep the sad, painful parts of your children's lives at the forefront. No one said you can't show happiness that your kids are in your family. In fact, no one said you can't celebrate their adoption days. I don't do that because I think it's icky, but no one said you CAN'T. I expressed my opinion about Gotcha Day celebrations, as did others. But I did not read one single comment telling you NOT to celebrate them.
My son and I talk often about his fmom. He knows he was adopted and has known since the first day he came to live with me. I don't dwell on the fact that he had to experience a loss so that I could gain -- and neither should you. Acknowledge it; talk about it when the kids bring it up or when it seems appropriate, but don't dwell on it. If Gotcha Days work for your family then good for you. Everyone is different. I'm not ashamed that my son was adopted and I don't believe he is either. But to me, Gotcha Days are just one more way to point out that adoptees are "different" from everyone else. Just another way to dwell on the fact that your kids have experienced a huge loss. Seems weird, but like I said: whatever. Everyone is different.