So exactly HOW are us AP's supposed to feel then?

One thing I have learned in life is that bad things happen and somehow we go on and learn to be happy again. Dwelling on the bad stuff makes for a depressing life.

I spent a lot of years obsessing about my own adoption and how unfair it all was. I wasted a lot of years on "poor me. I'm adopted."

There is nothing wrong with loving your daughters and being happy that they are yours. You did not steal them. From what I have read, their first mom screwed up and refused to put her kids above bad lifestyle choices. That was not your fault and it was not the girls' fault either. They are entitled to happy, safe childhoods and it sounds like what you are giving them.

I am glad I am able to be here for my adopted daughter. I am enjoying having her in my life very much. She is the only girl at home now and so sometimes it feels like me and her against the boys lol.

Her first mom had a chance to raise her. She was unable to. She has all the access to her she wants. Sadly sometimes she pulls back and wants very little contact, sometimes she comes and stays with us for days at a time.

For any situation in life there wil be nay saysers, and people telling you that you are doing things wrong. Do what feels right to you. You seem to have resepect for the fact that your daughters have suffered a loss and you will be sensitive to it.

You're going to feel however you feel - you can't change that. To acknowledge grief and loss while at the same time experiencing happiness as a parent is to be consciously present in mindful parenting. No one is saying you shouldn't do that.

Well, trolls maybe, but they don't count.

What's reprehensible is what Vanessa mentioned - adoptive mothers who celebrate a woman being too poor to parent her child, or parents who invalidate and ignore loss. They most certainly are out there. Check here for a few of the worst offenders

http://www.inquisitor.com/pcgi-bin/media.cgi?NA=Me...

You can feel both at the same time. It's just that your daughters will always have adoption following them their entire life. People will say things to them outside of your hearing that will hurt - really hurt. Most likely they will never tell you all the things people say. Even though they can get their birth certificates, they'll always be viewed as somewhat suspect or less than simply by nature of their adoption. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do about that except be aware.

Have you ever seen the film "Adopted"? It addresses some of these things very well.

http://www.adoptedthemovie.com/

The film is expensive ($60), however you can download it and watch it on your computer for much less ($20).

I am happy with my chidren and love them every day. But I am not happy that they had to be adopted, so overall I am not for adoption. You can feel how you want, but we as AP's can't come on boards like this and say "wow adoption is soooo great" when everyone else suffers from it but us. My kids and us will have teh best life ever, but we don't lament over hte process that brought us together. We do not say "yay adoption", and we accept where we all are.

We all have days where we get sensitive, but look deeper, and listen to waht they are saying to help avoid pitfalls in raising your chlidren. I listen to the adult adoptees because they ahve been there done that.

Theresa beautifully explained it. It sounds like you are doing everything right. Its called "mindful parenting".

Adoption is bittersweet. While I was happy I had my a family, I was sad I lost my first family. By being respectful of your children's losses and acknowledging those losses when they come up, you are doing the right thing. Should ap's focus on the hurt? Of course not. But just know it is there.

I have to say that the whole "gotcha day/adoption day" thing is disrespectful. I remember when I was a little girl, I hated that my bday was around Christmas time. My aMom said that we could have a party the day that they "got me", which was in May. Even as a little kid, I was like, "WTF???" Sure, it was a happy day for my ap's & my extended family, but they were not really thinking of everything that transpired between the day I was born & the day they got me.

Of course, I was too young to get it myself, but I know the whole idea of celebrating that day was just not right.

Can you be happy your girls are happy and safe and loved? Of course! Im sure they are, too. But being happy and loving our new families really has nothing to do with the pain associated with abuse, neglect or our relinquishments.

Just love them. Sounds like you are doing just that. Address their losses as they manifest themselves.

You seem very defensive. I understand that you feel you were attacked in the responses to your last question and I'm sorry if I contributed to that, but you asked, so I answered.

No one said you have to keep the sad, painful parts of your children's lives at the forefront. No one said you can't show happiness that your kids are in your family. In fact, no one said you can't celebrate their adoption days. I don't do that because I think it's icky, but no one said you CAN'T. I expressed my opinion about Gotcha Day celebrations, as did others. But I did not read one single comment telling you NOT to celebrate them.

My son and I talk often about his fmom. He knows he was adopted and has known since the first day he came to live with me. I don't dwell on the fact that he had to experience a loss so that I could gain -- and neither should you. Acknowledge it; talk about it when the kids bring it up or when it seems appropriate, but don't dwell on it. If Gotcha Days work for your family then good for you. Everyone is different. I'm not ashamed that my son was adopted and I don't believe he is either. But to me, Gotcha Days are just one more way to point out that adoptees are "different" from everyone else. Just another way to dwell on the fact that your kids have experienced a huge loss. Seems weird, but like I said: whatever. Everyone is different.

I'm not sure why so many people who answer questions feel that way but there isn't any reason to take what they say to heart.

I'm an adoptee and also an adoptive mom to our oldest daughter. I'm really sorry for our adopted daughter's early life. It was horrific with every form of abuse imaginable. I'm sorry her dad walked away from her and her mom chose a boyfriend that abused her and mom just allowed it to happen and called her a liar when she told. I'm thankful for the teacher that noticed finally noticed something was wrong and got her out of there. She's 25 years old now and her mom isn't with that boyfriend anymore and her mom is doing better overall - mostly off drugs and alcohol and working steadily. I'm glad she can talk to her biological family members and it's mostly okay. But I'm also thankful, every day, that I get to be her mom. She is a treasure. And no one can make me feel sorry about celebrating that. : )

Blessings to you and your kids!

Adoptive parents should be happy for the children they have adopted---those from foster care I'm referring too. I don't think we're si[posed to go around in sackcloth all the time. We know the circumstances of our child's past life and we will help the child as best we can.

I support adoption in cases where infants were in danger or were abused. I think you should feel thrilled and not dwell on it. Most of the folks who are bitter, disheartened and angry (including myself) support adoption in this situation. That is the CORRECT use of adoption - finding a home for a child who otherwise wouldn't have one or significantly harmed in the home they were born in.

Unfortunately, in the US, most infant adoption is about subversive tactics to get healthy WHITE infants from their mothers in any way that can be accomplished including moving them to another state to better accomplish the goal. In addition, these mothers are often bullied by family and not given representation of their own. Unfortunately, also, is the practice in some foreign countries of stealing babies in order to bring in western dollars.

When they are older you will be able to explain to them why they came to your home, and why they have two families and should be happy about that. Until then, maybe you could have the celebrations under a different name, say child A's special day. That would help the children feel special and loved, and make dealing with their losses easier. If they called their mother's mommy, have them call you mama. I've noticed a lot of children who are grandparent raised call their grandparent's mama and by their first name. Maybe you could try that? Time heals all wounds. Good luck :)

Vanessa- maybe if you had made better decisions, you wouldn't of lost your child in the first place. Say, birth control? It's your fault your child was taken from you. You couldn't provide for it. Making this woman feel bad because another person couldn't take care of an innocent child is unnecessay. These people who regret abortions and adoptions are the only one's at fault here. Abortions are used as forms of birth control, and guilt sets in, but there's no going back. Same as adoption. If you can't support a child, keep your knees shut. I'd say the same goes for you men, but apparently, going by how the court systems here in Alabama handle things, you're not obligated to provide for a child you helped create. So, if you can't depend on yourself to raise a child, condoms are provided at the Health Dept for free.

I dont think you should focus on the past. Now and the future is the only important thing to focus on. All you need is happy memories put the past behind you.