kennebunklmt

My daughters are half sisters, we fostered and then adopted them. They are 5 and 3 1/2 now.

They know they are adopted and *kind of* get what that means. We told them they had different parents before, but they were sick and couldn't take care of them so they came to live with us and we adopted them.

I try not to add too much 'fluff' or give too much information considering they are so young. My oldest understands it better and asks me questions, which I try to answer the best I can.

Lately she has been asking me why her first parents were sick... of course she is thinking they had a cold or something, because she doesn't even know what drugs are.

How do I give her an answer that helps her without actually explaining that they are crack addicts?! I don't want to say anything negative about their first parents but I don't want to lie either- which is why we have been saying they were sick- since drug addiction IS a sickness.

Thanks and God bless

I would like good quality walkie talkies for my kiddos- but I have 3 (ages 5 and under)! Was wondering if there are any reasonably priced kid-tough walkie talkies in sets of 3 or 4? Just looking for ideas and personal experience with certain brands.

ALSO, I remember seeing walkie talkies for girls that looked like 'old' rotary phones... I saw them online at a children's learning type website and now have no clue where and can't find them!

Thanks a bunch!!

Ok... first of all, I do support adoption when the child truly does need a home. Every child in every country needs a safe, loving home. My husband and I have adopted 2 foster daughters from our state.

My question is this... when we have soooo many foster children (many who's parents have already had rights taken and the child is just waiting for a home) here in our own country- why spend so much money to adopt from another country?

This has been really bothering me. I am not judging anyone- but it hurts me to the core!! The foster children we have will be going to school with our kids, playing sports with them, working at their day-cares and maybe even coming to our homes for sleepovers. They might be in a great foster home- or they might be living in a group home.

WHY?????? Why not help the children who need us right now?

Thanks everyone. Just looking for input and experiences I guess.

God bless

My girls are 4 1/2 and 3. They came to us as foster babies and have since been adopted. We also have a birth son who is 16 months old.

My husband and I KNOW that the adoption of our girls started as a loss. We both have been abandoned by a parent (I was abused by my mother, him by his father). We realize better than *a lot* of adoptive parents that there will be a lot of pain and that we don't live in "happy adoption land". My daughters know they are adopted and we are in contact with their first family. I don't talk badly about either of their parents and don't pretend anything with them.

From what I have seen on here, it seems like we shouldn't even be happy about adopting. It's not ok to try to live normally because we can't for one second live like they didn't have a prior family/life. It's like we have to always have that on our mind and not ever just be a family- because God forbid we aren't focusing on the bad stuff all the time.

We can't celebrate their adoption days or show happiness that they are in our family because that would make it seem like we are happy about their loss.

Isn't it possible to love our a-children and be grateful that they are ours now?? It doesn't make the prior actions ok- but how is it better to only focus on the hurt?

I am NOT glad that they were abused and neglected and that their parents couldn't get it together to keep them. I do agree that it would have been best for them to get help and be able to keep their girls.

But I AM glad that they are safe and healthy now and that I am blessed with the opportunity to raise them. Why is it so bad to be exhilarated that we have these wonderful girls?

Why can't we be sad for their loss and be happy for our family at the same time?

We have 2 adopted foster daughters who came to us at 3 and 9 months old. They are half sisters (same mom) and the father of one is my half brother. They are 4 1/2 and 3 years old.

Every year we go to an amusement park and the beach as a celebration of their adoption days (they were on 8/29 and 9/2 so we have a combined family outing).

We have birthday parties for them too, of course! I was wondering if you do anything special as they get older and can understand more?

We don't have any information from their mother about their actual birthdays or any pictures from the hospital (as far as a story to tell) but I have thought about showing them pictures of them with their parents as newborns and talking about their weight and all that... something to recognize that they were born to someone else and also to talk about their mother in a good way (since the rest of the info isn't very good).

Of course we celebrate the day they were born, but it's THEIR day and has nothing really to do with us. I want to make it more about them, and not just with cake and presents!!

Does anyone have any ideas??

Just wondering how your adoption came up with your friends while you were growing up? Was it a big deal to discuss or just 'how it is' and wasn't really talked about?

I am NOT talking about the mean people who tormented you about being adopted, I want to know about your close friendships.

(I was tortured for being abused and taken away from my mother- but the discussions I had with my friends were more important than what any teenage bully had to say.)

My adopted foster daughters are 4 and 3 and know they are adopted, but obviously I will not be broadcasting it to their friends, that is their place and choice. I was just curious about your experiences.

Thanks!!

The only foster care I have dealt with is that of my niece and her sister- my husband and I fostered them both as infants and eventually adopted them.

A friend of mine has had her sister's son (8 yrs old) for a year. The parents are married, both have drug and physical abuse problems. They haven't really been doing what they need to get their son back, so the state stopped all reunification and granted my friend permanent custody instead of terminating the parents rights.

She said that the parents can 'apply' to start reunification again if/when they are ready and possibly get their son back. The process is lengthy and pretty unusual, according to the social worker.

I am having a hard time understanding how it would be good for this child (who has already been abused and neglected and then taken from his parents and seen with his own eyes that they didn't fight to get him back) to all of a sudden be forced to start reunification and maybe go back with them after a year, 2, 3 etc go by?

I am all for reunification when the parents really want to do it and make the effort. I do believe that the best case scenario is for a child to be with their parents as long as they are stable and healthy and take care of the child. However, the thought that they could just wake up and decide to start 'behaving' and take their child back... honestly scares me! He loves being where he is (with 3 boy cousins his age) and being able to see his family, etc. He is SAFE and has a stable home who will take care of his needs (he has a lot of learning disabilities that his parents never helped with).

Do you think they chose that route because of his age and the fact that he is with his aunt?

Thanks for the info!!

I don't have my daughters OBC's. The parents would not let us make copies, so all we have are the amended ones.

Can WE get the originals for the girls or do they have to do it when they turn 18? Can they even get them at 18?

We adopted both girls after fostering them for 2 years. I am sure the social workers would have this answer, but I thought I would ask here since I don't need them immediately. The girls are only 4 and 3 and don't need any documents right now- I would just like to have them for the future.

Thanks

Most of us foster-adoptive parents get cut some slack on this site- I am assuming that is because we are not considered 'baby stealers' and are, in fact, adopting children who DO need new homes. Children who's parents cannot/will not take care of their child correctly even given months or years to try.

However, I am wondering if you think that ALL adoptions are WRONG?

We can all (almost) agree that those children cannot be with the people who are hurting them and need to be removed immediately.

But do you think that they should all just have legal guardians and never actually be adopted? Should adoption forever be eliminated from the planet regardless of the circumstance?

I am wondering this because you talk about the loss of identity and the birth certificate change, etc.

I am asking this seriously, not being sarcastic. I truly do understand that many of the adoption agencies are 'corrupt'.

Thanks

I ad a laparoscopy during my fertility issues and the dr found and cleaned out a ton of endometriosis. That was 3 years ago.

About 9 months later, the pain started to come back (I know what the endo pains feel like and I am sure it is what the pain is from). Lately, it has been bothering me almost all month long... it used to only happen around ovulation and my period.

I have been on the lupron-depo shots to control it, but at this time it is not what is best for me (need my cycle to be normal).

I was wondering how many years did you wait before you had another one done? I have 3 small children and do not really want surgery, but it's painful and I want it to STOP!!

Thanks a bunch!!

My husband and I have a biological son as well as 2 adopted daughters (through foster care). One of the girls is my niece (her father is my brother) and the other one is no blood relation to me at all (however the girls share the same mother).

We fostered my oldest by 'surprise' when she was taken from her parents. We weren't even considering adoption at that point, but welcomed it with open arms. We had already been trying to get pregnant for a year. We stopped trying for a while to focus on the adoption and acclamating our daughter. Then, we started trying again. In the meantime we got placement of her sister and then we got pregnant (when we weren't even doing treatments anymore).

I don't think of my children differently. My girls are miracles just as my son is. They just came into our family in different ways. I wanted to go through pregnancy and wasn't going to let that go because we already had children. I don't feel one is better, they are just different experiences and I wanted to experience both!

I know that my girls will have 'issues' that my son won't have. We are prepared to go through that with them and are very honest already eventhough they are just 4 and 3 years old and don't understand a lot of it.

My question is this... was there anything in particular that your adoptive parents did to make you feel included OR excluded? I don't want my girls to feel like they are loved less or are any less a part of our family. I don't want to erase their past or their first family (we are in contact with them, just not the parents because of drug/prison issues). I just want them to know that their brother isn't more 'special' because he shares our dna.

Any thoughts would be great! (oh, except the ones that say they aren't my children and I am not their mom).

Thanks!!

I know that the connection between mom and child tends to be stronger/different than that of the dad and child (not in ALL cases, obviously).

For those who searched for their moms and found them, have you also searched for your dads(assuming they weren't still together) ?

How many of you had your parents search and find you? Was it your mom or dad who made the first move?

I am just interested... it seems that a lot of the time, the main concern is the mother. I say this from my own experience of my mother abandoning me and also that we have adopted 2 foster daughters... the thought of 'accepting/explaining' that their mom couldn't take care of them breaks my heart more than the thought of their dad.

Thanks :)

I have been doing some research and found one http://www.walmart.com/ip/Summer-Infant-Sure-Secur...

that is long enough, but it's mesh and I'm not sure how well that actually works.

Does anyone have suggestions? I need one with a 'door' and also, it needs to screw to the wall.

Thanks!!!

My girls were in foster care and have been adopted. My oldest B is 4 (she's been with us since 3 months) and my youngest L is almost 3 (she's been with us since 9 months). They don't remember their parents (both are drug addicts and know that if they 'clean up' they can see the girls, but it has yet to happen). The only life they know has been with us- although they remember their adoption days because they were recent.

They know they are adopted but don't quite understand it yet. B recently asked to see a picture of her in my belly (we had a biological son and she sees those pregnancy pictures). I explained to her that she didn't grow in my belly, etc.

Today she asked who's belly she grew in and why wasn't it mine. I briefly explained it (her mother was sick, etc). She looked very confused!! Of course we will keep explaining it to them when they ask.

We have a few adoption books for children, but I would like more. I want some that show other children have been adopted. Not an educational book for me, but a real children's book.

We have 'over the moon' and 'little miss spider' but all of the other ones I found were about international or infant adoptions. Does anyone know of any good ones for pre-school age??

Thanks!

My husband and I fostered our 2 daughters and eventually adopted them. People are always saying "oh you are so great", "oh you are a blessing in their lives" etc etc...

Well, I am not an idiot. I KNOW that they are blessed not to be with their neglectful, abusive parents. And I know I am blessed to be able to raise such amazing girls!!

But, I don't feel like I have rushed in and been their savior or that their lives would have sucked without me (I am pretty sure another foster family would have adopted and cared for/loved them if we didn't!). I realize that foster parenting and adopting can be a hard concept and isn't an experience for everyone to do- and I know these people mean well with their statements.

However, I never really know how to respond... I usually stumble over my words and get some version of "well we are all blessed to be together" and (since I am a Christian) say that it was God's doing and not my own... I just did the right thing when asked (which I do believe!).

Just wondering what you all say when people make these comments to you??

Thanks!!!

Just wondering if you have, and whether it was private or foster?

I was a foster child after being taken from my biological mother- eventually went to live with my dad (whom I had never met). I always felt grateful that I was taken from her, and when we got the call asking if we could foster my niece, I felt almost like it was what I was 'supposed' to do- that it was meant to be... like I was saved from the system and I wanted to do the same for her (and eventually her sister).

I never set out to adopt, but when presented with it, I couldn't say no to these innocent little girls. We didn't say yes out of pity- we felt like it was the right thing to do and we were so in love with the girls :)

Has anyone else felt that way? Especially someone who was adopted themselves or taken away from a parent and feel good about how their lives have ended up?

Obviously every situation is different, but I was wondering about when/how you learned of your past?

My girls came to us as foster children at ages 3 months and 9 months. They are half sisters. They were taken away because of neglect, drug and alcohol abuse and some physical abuse.

They know they were adopted, but are only 4 and (almost) 3... they don't quite understand it yet, but we have every intention of being honest with them. They were too young to remember the details of it, so we have to give it to them in 'doses' when they can understand it.

So far, my 4 year old has asked to see pictures of her in my belly (we have a biological son so she sees pregnancy pictures) and I told her that she grew in another womans belly and when she was a baby, she came to live with us. She giggled and walked away. (kids lol).

Anyway- how old were you when you saw your social services records (if at all)? When did you learn about the reasons you were taken away? Was there anything that really helped you deal with it?

I was taken from my biological mother at age 4 and went to live with my dad whom I had never met. I didn't remember a lot of the details but would have nightmares about the abuse. When I was 19 I got copies of the DHHS reports. My parents did tell me some info, but I know they were afraid to hurt my confidence (which was hurt anyway since I knew my mother couldn't take care of me and let all that happen.)

Sorry this was so long. I know every child is different, I am just looking for some advice!!! Thanks!!

I don't mean to sound like an idiot, but I am curious about this. I know adoption in general is a touchy subject. I have only dealt with foster care/adoptions. Obviously children being taken from their parents for abuse/neglect, etc is horrible, but I have to admit that they way they go about it is pretty ethical. They give the parents a zillion chances and so much help, and they do look for family members to adopt the children first. It doesn't always work out perfectly, but in my experiences, the best interest is for the child. If they don't think the foster family is a good fit, they don't let you adopt. You can't just pick your child and "get" them. A lot goes into this between the workers and the guardians. And it certainly doesn't revolve around money... we don't pay the state in order to adopt our children.

I don't understand why private adoptions aren't run in a similar way. It shouldn't be about profit! They shouldn't try to convince women to give up their children. I know ALL agencies aren't bad, so please don't attack me.

So I wonder if there's anything in the works in regards to changing the laws for them.

Thanks

I have 2 adopted daughters through foster care and know the trials of that. However, I know nothing about private agencies and don't plan ever getting involved with one.

I see many people against adoptions because of how the agencies are sketchy and deceitful. I was wondering how they work... like from start to finish... in summary.

In my mind, the first step would be for the pregnant mom (or her parents) to actually contact the agency and show some interest in giving the child up for adoption. For those who have 'surrendered' (sorry, I don't know a better word to use) a baby, what made you interested in the idea? Were you forced by your parents? Did the agency make it sound like a wonderful experience?

I realize that not every woman was coerced into doing it and some honestly felt it was best for the child- but more of what I read on here it is from a bad experience.

Nothing will ever make me feel that ALL adoptions are negative and I know everyone agrees that a child in danger or neglected needs to be removed from the home.

I am not trying to be offensive, just honestly looking for information so I can be more 'adoption knowledgeable'.

Thanks a bunch

I have always been very leery of 'labeling' a child's behavior issues. I have believed that most children (especially 4 yr olds) are just testing the boundaries and are completely normal.

However, my daughter is VERY defiant and her actions are far beyond 'normal' from what I have seen working in day cares, being a nanny and having 2 other children.

Our daughter was adopted and her biological parents both have drug/alcohol problems (she was born with cocaine in her system and the mother did it the entire pregnancy), they both have ADHD, Bi-polar and the father has ODD. I do believe that environment can be a huge reason why children act that way. But, it's also proven that DNA can have a lot do with chemical imbalances like bi-polar.

My daughter will have a fit about something minor (can't have a cookie at 9am, etc- stuff she KNOWS has always been a rule and is explained to her nicely)... and most of the time that leads

to a tantrum of kicking, flailing, screaming, throwing that can go on for hours.

Her dr thinks she could have early-onset bi-polar but medication is not an option at her age (and I don't ever want her on it unless very medically needed). We are seeing a behavioral specialist soon for some potty training issues. We do time-outs, etc and we praise her for her 'good' behavior. The same techniques work fine for her younger sister and most other children. I ignore her fits but she becomes even more enraged and out of control. She is in-consolable during them.

I just thought I would see if anyone has dealth with this in a child so young, or if anyone has any thoughts.

Thanks