Question for foster children who were adopted at a young age?

I work with foster children.

1) Many states do not allow access to foster care files. They are confidential under law. In other cases, parts are released but all confidential information is left out. I don't know what state you are in and I do not know if you have their files.

That being said, it is NOT appropriate to show case files to children until they can fully comprehend the implications of those files and have the appropriate coping skills to deal with the emotions that arise from those files.

Even foster care has rules (state-dependent) governing what children/teens can see while in care and when. Because these are not things to be taken lightly.

Your job as their parent is to answer their questions, support them, help them process what they are asking at their developmental stage. Let them lead the way.

Those files are NOT for children and not written or prepared at their developmental stage.

Build their coping skills, a healthy self-esteem, a loving self, through your interaction with them. Answer their questions honestly and at their level without passing judgment. And again, let them lead. They will ask when they are ready, especially if you are open and honest from the minute they start (like when your 4 year old asked about seeing her picture in your belly)

When they get to be teens, many will ask for their files..Some pre-teens ask. Then it might be appropriate. But they should be shared together and not given alone. And in the best circumstances, shared in work with a therapist, because clearly they will trigger strong emotions.

In my work, it is common for children at 6-7-8 to start asking about their biological parents and beginning to try and understand abuse and neglect. But they are NOT fully capable of comprehending an adult's perspective. They are children and need to be dealt with on their level.

They will lead. Just be ready to follow honestly, opening, supportative, and not passing judgment no matter how horrific the bioparents were. Model anger if appropriate, accept all feelings, but don't lead them. Let the children lead.

If you have files, take them and hide them away where the kids cannot find them. You need to deal with their questions, not a file. One of the worst things that could happen is that they start snooping around and see horrific information that has never been dealt with. Then, children either act out against you and take a while to say why or they act out against themselves and start hurting themselves. They don't have the abilities to deal with what is in those files, at their level. Put them away.

You need to deal with them and their questions....not a file.

They are children.

before you decide to do foster care, you need to ask yourselves if you could handle a child being in your home for a long period of time and then abruptly being taken out to be placed back with abusive parents because it happens everyday. i'm not sure, but i believe you have to be a married couple in order to foster if you live together... i could be wrong though. just try to remember that not all foster children you will take in will end in adoption and they may be going back to awful situations. also you may sometimes get kids from really bad backgrounds who will have severe psychological problems. on the other hand, you will eventually find a child that you are able to adopt and it is the best thing in the world! so this is a hard decision that can not be taken lightly and can only be made by you.

I was not adopted from foster care, and I don't have the same expertise that The Brain has on this issue, so I will defer to him/her (sorry--I don't know!) for the most part. I can tell you what I know, though, from our situation, and if you'd prefer I delete my answer, since it was not directed at AP's, I am more than happy to do so, and will not be offended:

Foster care files are NOT, as the Brain mentioned, geared toward a child's developmental age, and they do not provide age-appropriate information. The information is clinical, for the benefit of the professionals working with the child.

While I completely agree that a child's truth belongs to them, it is a parent's responsibility to PARENT their children...That means, first and foremost, a child needs to be emotionally, spiritually and physically nurtured. Telling a 6 year old (for example) that their mother was a prostitute does them a disservice, since there is no way for them to actually comprehend that information, or process it in a way that would be healthy. It is unfair, to say the least, to dump that on a child and expect them to deal with it, when they can't even understand the details in a perfunctory way, much less the complexities behind them.

My children are being protected by the province. We were required to change their names, we have a list of schools in our city that they are not allowed to attend, as well as a list of several places in the community where their biological family members frequent. These extreme measures are taken because previous children from this family were harmed, or brazen attempts to harm them were made. Those involved have addictions and violent histories that make them a danger to our kids.

As a result, we have been given very little info ourselves, and what we do have, we have been advised not to share with the kids until they are much older. Children have different boundaries, and may not appreciate the safety concern when they are telling their birth names to their classmates.

My point? Foster care adoption differs greatly, in many ways, from private HWI adoption...I agree with dispersing the truth, but the point of foster care is to preserve the safety of the kids, above all else. Don't withhold their truth from them forever; but appreciate their age, chronologically and developmentally, and take into consideration the potential for comprehension, as well as their safety. Details of abuse or neglect, for example, are better provided when that child has the coping skills and the support system to process it.

Good luck.