Married Women - Am I bad husband for doing this?

My wife thinks I'm a bad husband because I told her that I want her to look sexier to save our sex life. After having inconsistent sex for the last 5 years (doing it once a month), I told her that I didn't feel sexually attracted to her like I did when we were 19 (when we first met) and that if she wanted to rekindle the sex in the relationship that she needed to give me something to look at once and a while. She said that I should accept her for who she is and to stop trying to change her. I told her that I spent 8 years accepting her for who she is (I'm 28 now) and now I'm getting a little bored of the same baggy jeans, non-fitted woman's top, hair down, no makeup, and sneakers look and that it's kind of average looking. She told me that if I wanted a woman who dressed more provocatively or was interested in her looks then I shouldn't of married her.

I'm constantly trying to think of ways to rekindle our sex life. It's hard to after having kids and after being together for 8 years.... One thing I tried was I lost a lot of weight because I thought that it would make her happy that she wasn't married to a fat lard and she told me that she was happy the way I was (but we did have sex a little more after I lost the weight - I don't think it was coincidence).

I told her that she doesn't have to look like a porn star but to wear makeup to look younger or wear heels to force her to shake her butt when she walks or to wear a skirt to show off her legs or to do something new with her hair, all these things would make me feel alive like something was new in my life. She said that if I wanted something new in my life then she would buy me a Barbie doll and have me dress her up instead. By the end of this discussion (which I have every month or so) she more or less told me that she was going to be a lazy tom boy for the rest of her life...

So there's the scenario. This is totally unfair because I love her for who she is, it's just that us men get bored of doing the same thing over and over and over again and we like to have chances to live out our fantasy. It doesn't help that I work in a downtown area with lots of salons and clothing stores so I see all these hot women walk past my storefront wearing some of the most skimpy and provocative outfits and they kept their body in great shape and they kept up with their looks. My wife thinks it's because they don't have kids but I've seen some of these women have children the same age as me so I don't think they have any more time than my wife...

The issue on why I can't just live life without sex is that I don't have sex but once a month with my wife under the current circumstances and I require more than that so I am forced to masturbate every night that we don't have sex. I watch a lot of porn because I need a way to get off.... When we have sex, we don't do any foreplay or we don't try to tease or role play, it's just me ending up on top doing it missionary style EVERY TIME.... My sex life is very snooze-able...

When I talked to a few male and female friends about the situation they said that they would have found someone on the side since my wife wasn't putting out (or doing anything to make me want to come on to her) and that she gets what's coming to her for her unwillingness to cooperate and make her husband happy... I don't believe in cheating but I have been VERY tempted since I have sex every 3rd or 4th week... But I love my wife so much that instead of going out and living out my fantasy with some random girl, I'd rather have my wife be that girl and live out my fantasy being that woman...

I guess let's go back to the question, am I a bad husband for wanting my wife to dress and act more sexy? Would I still be a bad husband if the reason I wanted her to do this was because I thought that it would improve our marriage?

2010-04-10T23:04:38Z

@TheMeow: I appreciate your input on all of this but you don't get it. The lack of sex is because the sex in the relationship is dead. I didn't speak up about the looks until after the 8 year mark. Imagine having sex every 3rd week and imagine trying to please her every need but she doesn't speak up what they are because inside she really doesn't enjoy sex but she does it because she knows that I do... Let's get something straight though, everything else in the relationship is just fine - we hang out together, we do chores together, we take care of the kids together, it's just the screwed up sexual attraction......

I really do care about her needs but I'm verbal, she's not. Sounds like some of you are telling me that I shouldn't have said anything to her but after 8 years of having sex with my hand instead of her I had to say something and get this sex life back on track because as far as I see it, the train was stopped and at least I got the train to think about moving...

TheMeow2010-04-10T22:55:06Z

Favorite Answer

You won't like my response, it's very honest.

No, you're a bad husband for even contemplating cheating on her and putting her down about her looks. Pushing her into dressing up for you won't help. Did you ever think that maybe there's something wrong with her self esteem? If you're always pushing her into dressing up, wearing make-up to look younger (GHASTLY THING TO SAY TO YOUR WIFE WHO YOU "LOVE"), of course she won't want to screw you or improve her look for you.

So you work on a street that has whores walking down it in skimpy clothes and perve on them all day. How would you feel if she perved on men all day because they have better style and looks than you do in her mind? Great, I bet.

You need to focus on making her feel better about her self esteem. The poor thing is using the tom boy thing as a defense mechanism after having to live with you trying to fix her all the time. I wonder if she feels beautiful at all, EVER?

As for the 'boring' sex, why don't YOU try to spice things up? Why is the woman to blame? Maybe you're just crap at anything other than missionary? Maybe she's bored of sex with you?

As for your little friends, they're immoral whores who don't deserve faithful partners.

'Living out your fantasy' hey? What about your wife's fantasy? You're probably sexually suppressing her, seriously. Do you really think you'll be satisfied if you force her into dressing up nicely for you? Think again bud, you want it to be out of her own accord. So build her self esteem up. Make her care and NOT by making her feel insecure... but by telling her she's beautiful, buying her gifts and pampering her. Get her a pedicure + manicure. Send her to the most expensive hair salon and tell her she can do whatever SHE wants with her hair (if she wants to that is, don't force her because that may seem like you're doing it for you rather than her). Whatever you do, make her feel beautiful.

Before sending her to salons and such... do some things around the house. Maybe take some of her duties away. You seem to be the kind of male that makes a woman cook and clean for him and all that. How about you cook and clean for a while so she has more time to herself and maybe starts caring about her appearance. Make her see that you care.

Good luck and I hope your wife ends up caring for how she looks again based off high self esteem, as in being worthy of pretty clothes and make-up and such.. not because you want her to look 'younger'. Ugh, chauvinistic bastards like you really piss me off.

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Anonymous2010-04-10T22:54:50Z

Hate to be the bearer of truth here. But welcome to the world of marriage. Been there and done that. I've been married for 15 years and she had 3 kids. She was a 17 year old hotty when I met her. And we had sex about 4 times every night for 3 years. I was 22. Now 15 years later we still have sex, just not as often. Your needs are totally normal. You're not a bad husband for wanting her to help fulfill your needs since they are not above her ability to do so. She needs to break the status quo and be willing to bend a little. Women like that usually end up in divorce because the same Ole' gets boring. I guarantee you that if you threaten to leave she will try harder. But you might actually have to go out the door. Or instead of doing something that dramatic, you could get dressed really nice one weekend night and even put on some cologne. Then plan on going to a bar to see a live band WITHOUT her. Just find "harmless" ways of bringing your relationship to the front and center and having her worry about losing you. Sometimes it takes fear to get what you want. I already went through using threats to my wife years ago and she actually tried. But it wore off pretty fast. Women don't really see things the way we do. But there are some out there that do. And they dress provocatively because they love the attention. Don't get too heavy on the porn though. It exercises pervertedness and causes you to "need" that kind of sex. Not a problem if your woman is into doing the things a porn star does. But some women won't go there.

12

soozemusic2010-04-10T23:24:58Z

What a very honest post. It sounds like inwardly, your wife has resentments against you and not because you may be verbal, but it's your approach that angers her. In many areas of your lives. It brings out her insecurity, which causes her only one reaction, to assume the defense mode. Females generally have a hard time being intimate and sexy if they are not emotionally satisfied. My suggestion is that you try pumping your wife up a little for a while by saying some nice things to her. Maybe complimenting dinner, the house, etc. Why not offer her a package for an all female gym (she would probably be more comfortable) or let her know that you would like to work out and work on yourself, and you were hoping she would join you. Also, if you see something sexy you like, buy it for her. She'll be looking at it.

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ladylaw_ladylaw2010-04-10T22:45:08Z

Your post was so long I read the first paragraph and breezed through the rest. I do not think that you were wrong for sharing with your wife that she is not as sexually attractive as you know she can be. Actually, it would be nice if more men would share that with their wives before simply stepping out on the marriage. However, if it is not in her character to wear the heels, make-up, dresses, etc. then her attempts may be short lived. Two things can happen, either she will change or you will accept to move on or stay with a woman that does not fully satisfy you.

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Anonymous2016-04-12T15:41:44Z

I disagree. Theres a lot of beauty in the world and to not look would be wrong. And your human instinct is to lust, whether its sexually or jealously. You can pretend you don't have those urges all you want but its denial. My husband and I have a very honest and open relationship and it has to be an extreme situation for him to really stare at another woman and me another man, but there are times when I will point out a hot girl and ask him what he thinks. Its just admiring beauty. You can look all you want, you just can't touch. And so long as I'm the one going home with him and I'm the one he's thinking about during sex all is good.

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