Most of you here know my situation with my daughter. She was my step daughter and her first mom asked me to adopt her with the understanding that she will always be able to have contact with our daughter. She is as involved as she chooses to be, and I frequently update her mother who lives in another state. Her mother sends gifts and cards to ALL of my kids and considers them ALL to be her grandkids.
A few days ago, I updated a web page I have for keeping people updated on my kids' progress and posting new pix ect. I listed her first mom's mother as "Grandma N______" which is how she wishes to be known to our daughter (and the other kids as well).
Today I got a nasty e mail from my mother in law (who is a harpie from hades anyway). In it she states "How DARE you list that woman as A____'s grandmother. She is NOT her grandmother I AM!!!! She no longer deserves the title of grandmother since her daughter decided to abandon and abuse A____. I absolutely DEMAND that you remove N_____'s name as grandmother and deny her access to the page"
My responce to her was a nice "go f*ck yourself, she is my daughter and I will list anyone I choose as her grandmother and furthermore it is up to ME who has access to the page and as I see it YOU are skating on thin ice, so if you want access shut up and leave me alone" (gotta love in law relationships huh?)
Later I was talking to a good friend of mine and mentioned the hateful e mail from the MIL. She said that while my MIL shouldn't have been so nasty about it, she understands why she feels that way. I asked her what she meant and she said that my daughter's first mom did abuse and neglect her and she can understand why my MIL thinks my daughter would be better off without that family in her life. (keep in mind that N___ has no part of what happened, she has never seen my daughter in person as she lives half way across the country from us)
Is it really so hard for people to get the concept of keeping as much family in a child's life as possible? And even if my daughter's first mom was the worst person in the world (she isn't), why should her mother be punished for what her daughter did?
Has anyone else in an open adoption delt with these attitudes?
2010-04-23T05:05:43Z
ETA: Gypsy, my MIL would gladly step in and run our lives if I'd let her.Fat chance!!
When my daughter was born, my MIL took the baby and brought her home in a nice, new, air conditioned car; and let her mother to ride in an 30 yr old truck with bad shocks and no A/C in the middle of August after just having had a C-section (they were going to stay w/ her for a week)
Then once they got home, she refused to let the baby's mother even so much as hold her.
My husband and the baby's mother both had jelly for spines and let her get away with it.
Thanks to me they have both grown a spine. My husband supports me (altho he leaves me to do the telling off when necessary)
What surprised me was not my MIL's attitude but my friend agreeing with her. I wonder how many of my friends secretly agree with her???
Ferbs2010-04-23T07:52:10Z
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I do not think YOU are out of line at all. Your family is handling this with honesty and grace.
In our situation, it's hard for many to understand why we bother too because our son's first mom has made neglectful decisions and placed her daughter (our son's sister) in harm's way. It's not always easy to sympathize with her for that reason but you know what...people need to be reminded that these decisions are based on a seriously messed up childhood. She is doing the best she can and adding to pain her life just isn't an option. It's also very important that we treat our son's mother kindly. Still, others around us who are just now getting the idea of an open adoption still don't have much respect for someone who would marry and willingly conceive a child with a convicted child abuser. I'm relieved though, that none of them would be mean-spirited towards her. If they did, like you, we would shorten that leash very fast (and possibly sever that relationship).
When I first read your post I thought..."hey...maybe MIL is just really protective and this is her abrasive way of sharing her concern"...NOW, after yoru Added Detais...NOT SO MUCH.
To treat anyone so cruelly is incomprehensible to me. If there is real love for someone...you don't disregard what they consider important because YOU feel like being a jerk. I mean...why was she even having her daughter's first mom at her house anyway...pure, sick pleasure?
I would understand the protective aspect of such a comment (which makes it easier for your friend to agree) but what your MIL has displayed is not protective. It's just plain mean. And short-sighted. Your kids will not be too impressed with this behaviour as they become aware of it. It's a shame she can't shut her trap for them. What a foolish woman.
As for your friend...sounds like she meant well and isn't challenging you on this. It's better that she felt comfortable telling you that out loud. She's probably willing to listen openly.
THANK YOU for walking the talk re: open adoptions.
I think what you are doing is right, BUT I can understand your MIL feelings as well. She obviously has anger over what happened to her granddaughter. In her eyes, the other grandmother WAS a contributer to the abuse. She must believe that if the mother had raised her daughter correctly, then the daughter would not have grown up to abuse her own daughter. In this case, it doesn't seem likely that was the case, but your MIL probably believes it is.
In your situation, I would probably make the same decision, but TRY to be patient with your MIL. What she's feeling is fear and anger rarely helps fear. Try to make her understand why you think it's best for all the kids to continue to have positive connections with your daughter's biological family, but realize it may take an awfully long time to change her mind.
I grew up with two brothers who had been abused (prenataly, and in one case after birth) by their biological mother. As I've gotten older, I've gained a measure of peace with that fact. However, as a teenager if a woman had showed up at our house claiming to be my brothers biological grandmother, I think that "f*ck off" would have been the NICEST reaction I was likely to have. I would have been more tempted to scream, kick, bite, and claw her for even being related by the person who had injured my brothers.
Our kids are being adopted from foster care, but they spent the first 16/2 months of their lives with foster parents.
Those foster parents have their faults, but they did what they could for our kids in a lot of respects, and especially our little guy. They love him a lot, and we want to keep them involved in our kids' lives.
In talking to them, we've decided that they will be another set of grandparents for our kids. They hold a chunk of their story, and we believe that our kids deserve all the information and contact with their history that we can POSSIBLY provide for them, under the circumstances.
Now, my freaking mother-in-law, upon hearing that P & L will ALSO be grandparents was not impressed, and made a comment that it was silly to call them Grandma P & Grandpa L because they aren't "real" grandparents.
That made us laugh. NONE of the grandparents (my parents, in-laws or P & L) are BIOLOGICAL grandparents. Of anyone, P & L know the kids better than anyone! Der.
My husband told her sort of quietly that her insecurities were showing and that she'd just have to get used to it.
Oh, Kidmindi, I could tell you MIL stories that would make the hair stand up on the back of your neck. LOL You're doing just fine, and I think it's AMAZING that you are keeping everything available for your daughter to know her kin and her history. Don't let MIL's and friends with no concept of the complexities of adoption sway you. You, of all people, know better than anyone how to handle this. ;-) Don't let 'em get to you.
You know what, you are doing the right thing. It is so much better for your daughter to have that stability and peace between her two mothers than to live like so many bitter divorced parents do, fighting, saying nasty things about each other to the kids... You are taking the higher road and being a great mom. Don't let your MIL upset you, she has a different personality and sounds like a grudgeful, unhappy person. Keep doing what you are doing. I have a son with my ex, and I could have been nasty to him. He cheated on me, abused me and more. I choose to forgive and forget. Well at least forgive. It is unhealthy and emotionally damaging (along with morally wrong) to talk crap about the childs other parent in front of them. He is remarried and has a cute daughter, she used to spend the night with us when they went out of town. We are in a different state now so we miss them, but we all used to go out to dinners once in a while, keep the peace. He is a very stable teenage boy. My brother and his ex lived like your MIL wants you to, all 3 of his daughters are completely screwed up. So, keep up your good work. You love your daughter and are doing what is best. Obviously mom isn't wanting to have a real committed relationship with her daughter or she would have. If you cut her off, she just may show up and problems could arise. Let her be happy being "grandma" and if your MIL doesn't understand this after you explain your reasons to her in a nice way, then it's her problem. Be nice to everyone and you will always come out ahead.
Parental alienation syndrome is common and takes many forms. Grandparents practice it too. Some of them want to be the "only" grandparents.
It happens with divorce and even when a parent has died. One side of the family will cut the other side out of the child's life.
I think you are doing the right thing. Grandma N is A's grandma and should be allowed to behave as such. The harm would be in more separation...more alienation.
Families don't know how to get along anymore and it is really sad. Treating children like trophies to fight over, and cutting them off from their own relatives is mean.