Does everyone here think that as APs or PAPs we all believe that we are entitled to someone else's child? I am in no way entitled to any child, they are not a need, I need water, I don't need a child. I would however like to raise one to become a happy and healthy adult if possible. I plan to adopt from foster care and give a child in need that chance. I do not however understand where you seem to think think we ALL got a sense of entitlement. I'm not saying some don't, I know one really well who does indeed think she was but I wanted to know your opinion, do you think we ALL think that we have the right to any child we happen to like?
2010-04-27T03:46:26Z
I'm not mad at anyone here, I just wish to know why they think we all feel 'entitled' to a child when I for never have and never will feel that. Adoption should always be a last resort to give the child a family but I will never say I'm sorry for my children regardless how they become mine.
?2010-04-27T07:26:56Z
Favorite Answer
Nope, of course I don't think ALL paps or AP's have a sense of entitlement to another woman's child. Just as I dont think all adoptees are "angry" or "happy". There are no black and whites.
You've been around enough to see the questions that pop up, the ones from paps's trolling for babies, and then you see their angry and ignorant edits about first Moms being "meth heads and whores". You also see how some people claim they think pre-birth matching is horrendous, yet they still engage in it because they were "chosen" by the pregnant woman. Hogwash.
My ap's have never said they were sorry to me for how they became my parents, either...and it hurts. Did they engage in pre-birth matching? Nope. Did they coerce my first Mom? nope. They adopted me. And ALL adoptions are rooted in loss and pain- even those adoptions that were necessary. It's still a loss and still painful if a child was neglected. So while your joy of becoming a parent is awesome, your child hurts and will always have hurt associated with how your "forever family" came to be.
I don't think anyone thinks that ALL APs/PAPs feel entitled. It's just that there are many questions that say something to the effect of, "I've been waiting for three years for an infant and I deserve one" or "Adopting an infant is so expensive" or "I don't want any chance of the birth mother coming back". Obviously, not everyone feels this way and I'm sure some of the people posting comments like that are trolling. The fact remains, however, that there are people who do feel that way. Maybe it's a lack of education about adoption or maybe it's a true sense of entitlement. Either way, it is hard on the first mothers who were forced to surrender because they "couldn't be a good parent" or "wouldn't be able to give the child things" or "your baby will be loved by a couple who couldn't have kids". I truly feel horrible for those that can't conceive. I don't have any children now, but I definitely want them someday and I can't even imagine what it would be like to be told you can't have children. However, I don't think the solution is to buy someone else's baby. If I can't conceive, it is not someone else's responsibility to give me a baby. It is MY responsiblity to look into foster care or just accept I won't have children.
Edit: I should add that part of the responsibility of fostering is to acknowledge that reunion is the goal.
I don't think that all aps or paps, feel entitled to a child, but the ones that do feel entitled, are so nauseating and vocal about it, it makes the rest look bad.
I have personally known someone who cannot have children who went thru the "I HAVE to have a child" phase and even looked into international adoption for a while. It was very hard for me to be around them at that time.
I am adopted and my adopted parents could not have a child of their own, so they adopted me. What is so wrong with that? I see that you want to adopt a child out of foster care, and that is wonderful, I hope that one day you will be able to do that and give a child in need a chance. I also adopted 2 children (infants as well)- I don't understand people who think they are entitled to anything let alone a child. A child (whether biological or adopted) is a gift from God, period.
From someone who is not only an adoptee, but a mother, I can see this from both sides of the fence. It aggravates me to see adoptive parents claw so desperately for a baby that they will go through countless invitro fertilizations, doctors visits, etc. just to have a baby, but will not consider the possibility of adoption. And then I see adoptive parents who adopt and then cut off all ties in an "open" adoption, because they feel entitled to that child, because they signed the paperwork, because they've done the legwork, because they're "better" than the birth parent by adopting, when in actuality had they been capable of having a baby when they wanted to originally, who knows what kind of parent they themselves might have ended up to be. It just makes me want to pull my hair out.
On the other side, I feel for these parents because they do want a child so badly, and they will (in most cases) love the child just as they would their own. I feel for them because they do get a bad rap sometimes. Either way you look at it, I think the adoption system is broken, and I think there is alot of warped thinking out there. How many good people are out there that can't afford twenty or thirty thousand dollars for a child? Why are only the rich entitled to adopt? The feeling for me are warped here as well. But that can only be natural when a child is seperated from their birth parents and placed with people who aren't blood related to them. Sometimes it can be the most beautiful thing, but sometimes it can be a great heartache for everyone. It depends, whether I agree with an adopted parents' sense of "entitlement".