Who has more of a right to be considered "family"?

Today is my birthday and this morning I called my first mom and we were talking about how she always thought about me on m birthday when I was a kid and how she always hoped I was having a good birthday.

All of my birthdays were good, but I do have one bad birthday memory. I think I was turning 14; maybe 15. We were at my adoptive brother's house and several of the adopted brothers and their wives were there for a big cook out.

I had gone into the house to change togo swimming and one of my adoptive brother's wives followed me in. She said she had heard I had been disrespectful to my adoptive mom and had not been treating her well and that I had been going on about finding "that woman" (meaning my first mom)

She then proceeded to tell me how my first mom was trash and how I should (here it comes....) be so grateful to my adoptve mom and to the whole family for taking me in and giving me such a wonderful life.

First of all who made her the family spokesperson?, I had been in the family longer than she had. I had been adopted for 8 years before she married into it. She had never met my first mom. She had no idea what happened when I was adopted.

Another sister in law came along and took me to another room and told me not to listen to the first one because she was just drunk and talking cr@p. After a good cry, I went back out and tried to enjoy my party, but of course it was ruined.

Now I wonder if perhaps the drunk sister in law wasn't just speaking what the whole family was thinking since as soon as I turned 18, none of them had anything more to do with me.

Since I was pretty much banished from the family and the sister in law who went off on me is still happily married and in the family 20 years later, I wonder since neither of us are related by blood to the family, why she had more right to be considered family? How is this even decided?

So who has more claim on a family an adoptee or an in-law??

2010-06-27T14:18:19Z

ETA This all happened over 20 years ago. I haven't spoken with these people in about 20 years.

I wrote them all off a long time ago, but was just thinking today and found it interesting that while we were both non-blood members of the family, she seemed to claim rights to them and considered ME the outsider and I wondered if other adoptees had similar experiences

LindseyTaylor2010-06-27T20:05:41Z

Favorite Answer

Family may be family but that doesn't mean family can't suck.


Why did no one confront the drunken SIL? The SIL who talked to you after should have talked to her husband and the matter should have been handled by the family. There also should have been open communication about your search for your bio mother as well as open support (I honestly had no idea from the way I was raised but it's quite common for [good] parents to support their kids in matters even when they may not agree...and I'm not being sarcastic, I had to re-learn how things work in families.)

Technically an in law chooses to come into the family...an adoptee is chosen with little or no choice in the matter (in most cases)...so the adoptee should be more "family" than an in law. If you wanna get really technical about it although a in law can birth a child that is blood related their relationship is conditional and could be severed at anytime with any court.

I was born into my family..my mother carried, birthed and raised me. BUT I also grew up hearing my mother list reasons why she loved my sister more, and family tell me they felt sorry for me because my mother didn't want me (seriously who tells a child this?? but I thought it was normal..) When I was pregnant my mother wouldn't even LOAN me money to buy food or help with a car. My parents have never seen their grandchildren.
My in laws ask all the time how I'm doing, how I'm feeling, have sleepovers with their grandchild (the other is about to be born), send cookies home just for me, and have shown support like I have never known.

Some family is better off not being "claimed" (birth or adoptive) and some family can be more family to you without knowing you your entire life. Some parents are just not good parents, period. The argument of who is more family is null on this account because for some people it really doesn't matter, either way it comes down the the type of people they are. It's sad...

41

iGotSixxIssues2010-06-28T01:33:00Z

It depends on the situation on who has more of a "right"
But in this case, I think it was you. You were just a kid, and this woman, who is a part of your family(in a way), disrespected you, and your own mother. I know it was hard to take it, but at that age, you don't really think of knocking a bltch out ya know?
You both have the right to be considered family, because you are.
She may not have liked you because the family may have been talking about you, and moved on to your mom, since it was your birthday.
If she thinks your mom is trash, she should've been a good family member, and shut her trap and gave you respect since you seem to not have done anything to spark her outburst on you.

10

?2010-06-29T05:45:41Z

Interesting Question.... I guess how this question is answered will depend on who answers it... Im sure some adoptees would say that they consider their adoptive family more of a real family then their bio family , Just because they will say " my adopted family took me in and raised me...etc.."
And others may feel more of a connection with their bio family , Just because maybe they never got along, or fit in with their adoptive family...
This is one of those questions that one answer doesn't fit all... It all depends on who is answering it....

10

Torrejon2010-06-28T06:10:36Z

Frist, I think it was out-of-line and incredibly cruel and for your s-i-l to make such comments to you. And I too would be crushed beyond words, especially as a defenseless teenager.

I do not think who has a bigger/stronger "right" to be part of the family is the real issue. Frankly, I wonder why you allowed drunken comments from your s-i-l to color your own sense of a right to be part of the family. (I hope there was more to writing off your family than this single incident.) Did you ask others how they felt about her comments or the situation? Would revisiting the situation with the family members you do still interact with be possible? This is not criticism, just trying to assist you figure out a way that might help you find closure.

22

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