What do you think about my Poem/Monologue: No Sky?

Give me any feedback, any thoughts, disagreements etc. But now there is nothing left to say but here it is:

He's looking for a wish in the sky that isn't there. Though the wish could be found, the sky is absurdly beyond his reach. So he searches for the wish in a different place. A place that is dangerous. So dangerous infact that not one person has come out of that position to acheive any dream. But he's hard headed, so he attempts to beat the odds. The odds so commonly thrown into his face by doubters. These doubters, the murderers of hopes, dreams and the single wish produced by the many young minds across the world. They are his enemies, his rivals, of whom every movement, interaction, and activity they make, are his pet peeves. But the doubters are strong within theyre influence on the minds in need of shaping. Once these lost minds are shaped, there is no way to recover them, no way to allow them to become free form. No way to allow them to become great. The doubters do not care. The doubters only want their sons and daughters to be undoubted, to be influenced, inspired. So the ones who began life with the short end of the stick, will end life with half of that stick. That stick will be passed down to their children, and so on. It will be passed down until the stick is just a sad grain. A sad small grain of misfortune.

Sugar2010-07-16T16:54:49Z

Favorite Answer

Sound like a story to me. But I like it.

Hello2010-07-15T02:08:27Z

It's very good! But I have two critiques for you:

1: The sentences are too short in most cases, which make it sound akward.
2: It should be in STANZAS, not clumped in one big paragraph.

I give it a rating of 4/5 stars!

Elric2010-07-15T02:13:00Z

It's decent but the sentences are very short. I don't like paragraph poems at all but it was OK I guess.
Try some free verse

CT2010-07-15T01:57:50Z

It's good, but i don't get it. Is it all a reference to faith? if so, which part is the bad side? Also, i'm not great with paragraph poems anyways so don't take my advice. Read mine! just posted it! well, if ya wanna!

Kobe Bryant2010-07-15T03:24:26Z

I wouldn't call this a poem, more like an epic